Soul Tracks

Day 6: Childlike Faith? Really?

2011-06-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

where in the bible does it say that my everyday faith has to be like a child?

i was going to write a whole big post on this, but as i was studying this, i found that the bible does not say we are to have an everyday faith that is child-like. now let's prove it by turning to 2 synoptic gospels, Matthew and Mark.

Matthew 18:2-4(ESV)
2And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them 3and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven

Mark 10:13-16(ESV)
13 And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. 14But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, "Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it." 16And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.

so, after first glance this obviously says we need a childlike faith... but the context is about entering the kingdom of heaven, on judgment. the greater context is that Jesus has just revealed to the disciples that he will be killed, and the disciples are worried about their outcomes. Jesus is saying, believe and you enter in the kingdom of heaven.

yes. child like faith, on judgement.

i'm probably on this ground here but my personal revelation is that this text is misused here to say things that aren't said in the text. the text is referring to our eternity. we aren't to worry about judgement, we are trust that Jesus has taken our sin on the cross.

we are not to conduct ourselves like children, in regards to our faith. only in regards to our eternity.

I guess i stand on Paul's well documented verse:

1 Peter 2:1-3(ESV)
1 So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— 3if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.

sigh... i hope i'm not offending anyone.

Day 5: Zombie

2011-06-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation. Also note this is Day 5. Please go here for the first day in this series. thanks!)

so it has been 5 days that i've been on a single dad adventure. i've had my ups and downs, but on the whole Ethan has been doing great. i'm certain that he's happy to be back in his own bed, in his house, playing with his own toys. he has every breakfast with mommy over facetime, so he get's his virtual hugs and kisses from momma everyday. he knows he can talk with momma through the computer, so he's learned to come over and say "talk momma" to me to ask to speak with Janice. i think that's great, because that means he understands that while Janice is not here, he can have access to her.

most nights ethan has been great, but last night he was not. in the middle of the night he woke up crying for momma. i knew i was in for a long night, but after putting him in our bed, he fell back asleep. he's had a stuffy nose, so he was constantly snoring and waking up and flailing that it pretty much kept me up all night.

when morning finally broke, i decided it was time to go to an old staple, Cafe Au Play. Janice and I love this place because it's a great little non-profit cafe that has a big kids area, and always has things happening for kids. i went in the morning, and when i arrived there were 4 other sets of parent(s) with their toddlers or babies.

i ordered my coffee and bagel, sat down, and let Ethan play. as i sat and injected my caffeine, i looked around. i was feeling destroyed from the night before, but as i scanned the room i realised that every single parent was drinking coffee and had the same look on their face. none of us were smiling. no one was happily reading a paper.

everyone was a zombie.

it was actually very funny. we all shared the same vibe. the i-am-so-tired-but-my-child-is-not face. it was just classic. i didn't know the parents nor their children, but we all silently shared that feeling of... "i'm so happy i'm drinking coffee and my child is not screaming"

no words were spoken, other than the occasional child crying or parent saying "no, don't hit"... but for that short amount of time, i felt that i shared something with every single parent in that cafe.

as i got ethan back into the car to go home for his nap, i actually felt refreshed. more important than the caffeine was a sense that i'm not alone, and that i can do this. all because about 6 other parents openly shared the wear & tear on their faces over a much enjoyed cup of coffee.

there is no moral to this story, but really this was the highlight of my day. that in my tiredness from caring for a toddler, i found brethren.

Day 4: Be angry, and do not sin...

2011-06-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation. Also note this is day 4. Please go here for the first post in this series. thanks!)

Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.

i'm not really an angry person. i've neer been so angry that i loose control and do irrational things. i used to pride myself on this aspect of myself growing up. other people would get so angry it would throw them out of whack, and they would be unreliable and unstable. me? i would crack jokes, albeit sometimes at inappropriate moments, always under control.

it's not that i trained in the Himalayas' to control my anger, it's just something i guess i was born with. i mean, don't get me wrong. i DO get angry, but never throw chairs out the window angry.

over these last few days, i've found myself being angry. there are so many reasons why. angry at myself for not being a better husband to Janice, as in not putting down my foot when i had an inkling of fear that she would be flagged at the border. angry at myself for not being a better dad, as in this time with Ethan should be amazing and adventurous, not tiring and stressful. these are valid angers that I believe are fueling my days to grow.

however there are unhealthy angers.

i'm angry at the immigration guy at the border, because ultimately he was the one who stopped us. i'm angry at the Visa people, who have their heads so far up their asses they forgot they are actually dealing with living human beings. i'm angry about.... well, you get the point. but as i was driving from Canada, i found that there's one anger i'm not familiar with.

it was being angry with God.

now, i believe in the Sovereignty and Grace of our Lord. i do. i received it, i believe it, i partially understand it, i preach it... but this whole situation has hit home in ways that no other scenario in my life has. i have very rarely been shake-my-fist-at-God angry.

there was one time i was so angry at God AND myself because i accidentally gave Ethan 3x the dosage of medicine and we were worried that i poisoned him. i remember this so clearly. i was crying and i was on the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and i was punching the ground. but.... this was more being upset at my own stupidity than being angry at God.

yet, this time i found that i was talking, angrily, with God while driving. there was no audible response, or miraculous signs indicating God was replying to my rants. it was more like i was giving God a diatribe of emotion.

days later, i've calmed down and i've moved to repent, but as I have repented, I have not felt convicted.

under more scrutiny of the scritpure, it does not say "DO NOT be angry"... but "it actually says BE ANGRY". note that this is ESV, a more reliable translation that's closer to the original text. the NIV says "tremble". i like the ESV more in this circumtsance.

be. angry. and do not sin.

anger is such a tricky emotion. it is combustable, and can lead to so many divergnent outcomes. fire is much the same way. a controlled fire can be a vital light, saving warmth, cooking heat or even for comfort on a cold winters day. uncontrolled fire can rage and destroy everything in it's path.

my anger has led me to sin. i have critically broken the face of the immigration office, and i have napalmed the Visa processing office, and i have also brutally murdered some key individuals in my life... for that i have repented.

but as the Holy Spirit as my witness, i have no repented of my anger towards God. the only way this is possible is because i have still stubbornly and stoically held to the sovereignty of God. it is his will, but i am just trying to not sin with upholding the other part of scripture. being angry.

for my whole life i have shunned and forcibly pushed away the cancerous emotion, but now it seems i'm embracing it. my goal, much like with fire, is to harness it so that the Lord can use it for his glory.

my closing thought on this is that it is only the harnessed blazing fires of adversity do things truly become purified. i'm just doing it angry. But while not sinning.

Day 3: It's raining love

2011-06-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation. Also note this is day 3. Day 2 is here and please go here for day 0 & 1. )

we only sent one email, but on the winds of social media our situation reached Hong Kong, Canadian and American sands and people really went out of their way to pray for us, and to send their love.

you know, sometimes you expect certain things of people. like family for example, you expect certain things in certain ways. but with friends they can not always be relied on in the same way. well now, that's a little harsh so let me qualify that statement.

over the span of just 4 days since Janice got flagged at the border, we've received so much support, love and prayers from people. really it has been crazy. for me personally, i had highschool friends, highschool acquaintances, college friends and church friends all share support to us. people came out of the woodworks and it was amazing.

of course, with something as difficult as having your family separated the first few days are the most difficult. and this is exactly why love from anyone in any way whatsoever is literally like love falling down from the sky like rain.

even with something as small as a 'like' button, a reply tweet, a quick <140 character "we love U & R praying 4 U guyz"... these all have made such a huge difference to us. to me.

i think the hardest thing for me to deal with is pondering tomorrow. not like far future, but literally the next day. as in have no clue what to do with ethan to keep him engaged. i dont want to sit in front of the TV all day (he's watching Lion King as i type this... sigh). but it is an adventure to get him changed and ready to get out of the house. most times it's actually fine, but every now and then he remembers he's a toddler and he throws a tantrum. and to be honest, one tantrum can zap my strength for the whole day.

but then to offset all of this I get to speak and pray with janice, I also have all these emails/texts/fb messages reminding us that we are not alone. Even though many are miles away, people are standing with us.

in these times where any source of joy weighs heavier than ever before, i stand under a constant stream of love and encouragement. from my son, my wife, my family, my friends... it has absolutely humbled me.

thank you to one and all.

Day 2: Careful what you ask for

2011-06-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation.
Also note this is day 2. please go here for day 0 & 1.)

since quitting my pastoral role back in Hong Kong, i moved from a 55 hr work week... to no work at all. needless to say, life changed. it was an amazingly good change, because i got to spend so much time with Ethan and Janice. it was great because i could be a father and a husband, instead of just working.

however, with that change came adjustment. my commute to work used to be about an hour, 1.5 if i took the train. i used to look forward to that time, and i came to rely on it for worship, quiet time, devotion, etc. many times i used it to just exhale and have space since sometimes it's crazy to have a baby at home.

no matter what i did, i could never give Janice those times alone like she gave me. i mean, for the first 14 months of Ethan's life Janice was breastfeeding so she really couldn't be away from ethan for more than a few hours. and even in the months after that, Ethan was clingy to his mom so it was a stretch for me to take him for any longer than half a day.

when we got to North America, my commute to school was a 5 min WALK, and i had no other time to myself. at first it was hard, but then i had good days. it was a see saw, but then i started to pout and get silly with God.

i would ask God... "i wish i could have my alone time back"

......

i think back to these moments, and i laugh at my stupidity. now i have all the alone time i can handle, and i hate it. i hate knowing that while i have alone time while ethan is sleeping, janice is 7 hours away wrestling with being away from her husband and son.

it goes to show that sometimes we are so selfish in our desires, that we ask for things from God that we should never have.... yet we do it repeatedly. and then we get angry at God when He does not deliver things that we shouldn't have? it seems like non-stop stupidity.

so what i'm learning from this situation, is to not pray my desires. i'm seeing this as the height of idolatry masked with Christian-speak. there's lots of this happening in the church. we tell God what we want, and then say Amen, and there it's sanctified.

nope.

out the desires of the heart does the mouth speak. and if all we ask are things for ourselves...?

so the moral story of today is that be careful what you ask for, because you just may get it. and then you'll be sorry. try, just once, to pray the desires of Jesus' heart. it's scary to do that, because the focus shifts from you, to your God. then perspective comes, and shows us Jesus' heart... and then, funnily enough, your desires change to that which can satisfy a carnal desire, to that of eternal significance.

thank you Lord that you are God, and I am not.

Day 0 & 1: TEARS

2011-06-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation

it's hard for me to remember the moments when I cry, because they aren't the best of memories. granted, it doesn't happen very often, but they've been pretty hard times.

one time i was so upset and sad and angry about breaking up with janice, i cried on Ps Bob Strachan's shoulder for a good 10 minutes (which is an ETERNITY when you're a guy that's crying). it was when 180 was in the Ho Lee building, and i have no clue what the sermon was about, but all i knew was during ministry time i just broke, and i sobbed. Bob did nothing but pray silently, and i honestly thank God that he did nothing. the shoulder was what i needed. the great ending to this story is that janice and I married now. yay.

another time i cried my guts out was while watching Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ movie. it was 9am and i watched it with Mandy Lee because we got tickets to a special screening as we were church staff. yes, i sobbed, but it was for obvious reasons. and another time i fought back tears was when Janice and I found out that she had a hematoma in her uterus, and it threatened the young life of Ethan that was growing in her womb.

see? all not the best of memories.

but for the first time in a seemingly long time, i cried, but i couldn't even place the emotions, or reasons why. mainly because they were so many.

it was two nights ago, when Janice was bathing Ethan and then putting him to bed. It would be the last time she would do this for weeks, possibly months. the weight of the situation was dawning on me, and that the next morning i would driving Ethan away from his mom. possibly it was due to driving 12+ hours in the last 16 hrs prior to that moment. i was running on redbull and not much else. maybe it was because i was in the moment of woe-is-us...

but i was listening to janice speak with ethan, telling him she loves him. that daddy will take him home and mommy will stay to speak with the immigration people. janice was speaking slowly, ensuring that Ethan understood every word. i heard janice kissing Ethan and him laughing.

as i listened, i cried. i cried because i love my wife, and i love my son, but they have to be apart. granted we have so many things to ease the distance. text, facetime, skype... and we are only 6 hours away. but it was the physical touch that he will miss. it will be his mother's hugs, kisses and cheek pinching. he will miss it all.

i cried because i was so exhausted from this process, from the driving, from the stress. i cried because i was so upset at God. i was being selfish, but at that moment i wasn't trying to be Ghandi. i cried for many reasons.

i pulled myself together only to feel so tired that i almost fell asleep while doing the dishes. i went downstairs and lay in bed, and i read james. i read the whole book, and i was gritting my teeth. i KNEW what GOd was saying to me, it was so loud and clear.... but in my spirit i was saying to God can I just have this moment to be upset? just because i'm a pastor do i need to smile and put on a happy face? would it be right to put my situation in proper perspective and then compare our lives to the thousands of families that have been torn apart?

it was then that i fell asleep. i did not feel justified in my self-pity or anger, i just fell asleep.

the amazing thing was that the next morning when we drove off, Ethan was the strongest one out of all of us. he didn't cry any tears, and it was the fear of his tears that brought me to tears the night before.

during the 6hr drive back, i laughed at how the fear of tears could bring me to tears. in the end, God revealed His power, mercy and sovereignty even though it looked a bit murky for us. but at that moment, while my son was happily napping and i was driving through Seattle... i laughed. i didn't cry, but i laughed.

thank you Jesus.

Derek on jury duty pt2: "Do Not Sue"

2011-05-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

"But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."

As I sat down for jury duty, the first thing I wanted to know was what type of trial I was going to be a juror for. Will it be for some crazy murder trial or coffee spilling on someone's lap? I found out it was a civil case, with someone rear ending another and the person who got hit is suing for LOTS of money. As I heard the details of the whole case, I was struggling with this passage the whole time. What am I supposed to do as a bible-believing follower of Christ?

After studying this scripture in class, my prof gives a compelling case that these scriptures are an exaggeration, and we never intended for us to take literally. Now, I fundamentally disagreed, because I believe that there is application from these words of Jesus. I know that actually doing these things are difficult, dare I say impossible?

Regardless if one believes the sermon on the mount hyperbole (as my prof does), or it's guidelines for right living... I struggled.

We are called as followers of Christ to be instruments of grace. Why? Because we are recipients of grace, and it is entirely unmerited. So who are we to now stand on a position of judgment and demand retribution?

I am naive. In my heart, I wanted a Disney movie finish were there is singing a song together and everyone loves each other by the end of the trial. I know people were hurt, doctor bills added up, cars were wrecked. But can't we all just get along?

As I sat and heard the case, i became increasingly aware that what I was wanting was a personal preference, not a scriptural conviction.

As I slowly was able to put down my own desire for the court to turn into some Disney movie and for everyone to burst into song, I started to see that in this particular case, it was no longer about who was right or wrong, it was clearly all about the person getting hit now greedily trying to steal money from the person who hit him.

it was plain extortion and greed.

As the case proceeded i was increasingly angry at the plaintiff because he obviously wanted money and did not have a compelling argument to demand the money he was trying to extract from the person who hit him. It was then not about reconciliation but about preventing this person from taking advantage of another. Now the point of this is that Christians tend to just forgive and try to gush love. However there are times when we as Christians need to take a firm stand to protect the innocent.

Now, I'm treading on very thin ice here. If you really think about this scripture (turning the other cheek), how you respond to it will dictate how you view vengeance? anyways, for more on the outcome of the case, that will be in a later part. But let's park on this concept of vengeance.

Scripture states that vengeance belongs to the Lord, and Him alone. Him alone. This is why I don't see how people can scripturally defend war for oil...

In the end, I made a decision that was to protect the innocent from being exploited. There was a just response to the situation and I fought for it. I didn't do it because I was a pastor and I needed to show people Jesus. I choose to protect the innocent because i could not stand by and feign Christian love while one person is obviously being taken advantage of.

after 2 days of trial, just before the jury were allowed to talk about the case, i prayed. i remember that my specific prayer would be that justice would be done. what was amazing was that as the jury began to deliberate, i found that i was on common ground with the other jurors and we eventually came to a decision to protect the person being sued.

the details of the case aren't important, but want i wanted to share was i truly gained insight into tension between not suing, forgiving, and being a voice for the voiceless, and standing for what was right.

it was a small battle, but i felt that the lesson learned from it was worth the days in court.

Derek on jury duty pt1: "Constitutional Right"

2011-05-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Honestly, this may offend you. And if it does, I'm terribly sorry and I apologize for the offense but....

I don't give a crap about being American, I don't care about the constitution nor the bill of rights. I don't ever fly the flag, I can't sing the anthem, I don't know the pledge of allegiance. I don't know what the score of the miracle on ice was, I don't know who and what started the civil war, I haven't ever voted for a president, and I haven't ever paid taxes (because I've not made enough, not because I'm avoiding it)

Sooooo, when I arrived at courthouse and a judge gave the introduction to the 'trial by jury' concept, he used terms I just did not use on a normal basis. It was the term "constitutional right". We fought for this in the civil war and our founding fathers saw that it was so vital to American future that they included it in the declaration of independence.

I sat there puking into my own mouth.

Then the judge wrapped up and asked for questions. A lady stood up and said,"thank you for allowing us to uphold the declaration of independence and to exercise our constitutional right of a trial by jury."

Are you kidding me? I almost heard a drum line and trumpet blasting in the background. Did she even have a question? No! She should ended her "question" with "America the Beautiful".

I was recovering from my sickness and I looked around while this women was celebrating the stars and stripes, and a whole lot of other people around us were nodding, smiling and when she started to choke up with tears, people were right there crying with her.

In the famous words of Mugatu in the final moments of Zoolander, he exclaimed, "Am I the only one not taking crazy pills?!?!"

I have recently studied a snippet of American history, and while I haven't looked at it in great depth I have a foundational understanding of the gravity of the founding of America. But nationalism is something that I fundamentally frown upon? Why? Because all people do is want rape, pillage and exploit those who are not of the same nation.

I guess the other issue is that as someone who has lived over half his life outside of America, I understand that people outside of America... Really dont like Americans.

Yep, it's true. Americans who are patriots and act on their manifest destiny of spreading the teachings of America, are really disliked. Even disdained...

So what's this post about? It's about how far removed I am from the ideals of this country. But I was honestly surprised at how much rhetoric was thrown around during the briefing. I didn't buy it, but I also understand that other countries don't have trails by jury and it's not fair.

Sigh, maybe I'm just a grumpy old man who just find ways to complain about everything.

So this was my introduction to my experience as a juror. I actually loved it, but it was safe to say that it didn't start off well....

Till part 2.

Humble Pie

2011-04-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

So in all honesty, I'm a pretty prideful person. I think I'm pretty stinking good at what I feel that I excel at. (notice excel? ha, i am up myself!) I know I'm not good at many things, but I dont need to think about those things... I just need to focus on what I CAN do.

That said, I'm finding that being "good" at something is really only subjective. If I felt I was any good at being a pastor, then just place me next to an amazing pastor and then I'm not really "good" anymore.

You know what that's called? That's called eating humble pie.

I used to hate eating humble pie. It's because I used to think I was good at stuff, so why do I need to eat that? Well, that mentality is pretty dumb... Dumb and pig headed. i was eating idiot-cake (this food analogy is really catching me at the mo...)

You see, the confidence I had was more from the circumstances that surrounded me, as oppose to having a clear conviction from Christ. For example, I thought I was good at pastoring because I had lots of people coming to my ministry and because people told me I was good? See how dumb that mentality is? Why dumb you ask? Well, what happens when you take away that ministry, those people and that church? Well then I would think I sucked. see how fickle that mentality is? idiot-cake.

So that's been my life for the last year almost. I've left a spectacular pastoring role, amazing people I was ministering to and with, and then I'm placed in a school were I'm one of many clergy... most of whom know scriptures much better than i do. SO, in that sense I was enjoying a wonderful humble pie. But in my heart I always felt, well.... At least I have events.

SO ANWAYS, Events was something of an obsession for me. I LOVE doing events. Not to be on stage, but I love doing things behind the scenes. I love planning things like people flow, like planning meetings, like rundowns and volunteer training. And you know what? I did it well. After years of doing large events, I made a name for myself and I felt that I could do any event.

And so when I was volunteered to help out a conference on campus I considered immediately calling the person in charge and tell her that she can relax now, because DEREK MA has arrived. But before I actually contacted her, I felt God just nudge me a bit to stop.

So I said nothing.

Right up to the event morning, I was like... Should I say anything? The answer was no. So I just shut up, turned up and just did whatever I was asked to do. No name dropping, no selling myself, no retelling of my battles in Hong Kong... just do what I was told to.

At first I started making mental lists of what was done wrong, but then after a while I just took the stick out of my butt and enjoyed being on the other side of an event... A normal volunteer.

You know, I have to admit I was actually had a great time. I don't remember the last time I was at an event that I didn't have any part whatsoever with leading it. No really, I can not remember, it's been that long. So there I was. What my glorious experience of project managing and blah blah blah? I was asked to do dishes.

DISHES!

And after that, you what was next? Taking out the trash and wiping down tables.

Say WHAT!?!?

Yep, that was my 4hrs of serving. And you know what, I ate humble pie and it tasted amazing. Afterwards, my heart was in a place of expectant entitlement. I felt I deserved to be doing a certain role, or treated a certain way. And when God saw that, his response to remind me that I don't deserve anything.

So I got humble pie. And in so doing I was put back in a place of reverence and adoration.

Thank you God.

Space.

2011-03-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

What am i talking about? Not like outer space, but space, as in for the holy spirit. Not physical space, but spiritual space, intentional space for the 3rd part of the trinity to move.

Now hear me out, I love musical times of worship, but I realized that what I love is a particular style of worship. Not the type that has moving flashing lights, but a particular style that during the music part of worship, there is space given to the spirit. Apparently, I know exactly what I mean, but now that I'm half a world away in another culture, I realized that I don't really know how to explain it to people.

It would be like explaining chocolate to an alien that does not have taste buds. Or trying to explain nuclear physics to a caveman. To ME it's amazing, relevant and important. To others, it's not.

So that means that every time I'm in a church here, I miss a little something during the worship time. It's like a moment that can't be filled with lyrics. There's no formula, and it can't be faked. I'll try and explain it. In our lives, we have time and we like to fill it. We have hobbies, smart phones, Netflix, jobs, family, and sudoko. We feel fulfilled when our time is used up entirely, and this attitude has seeped into our worship. We fill it, and when it's filled with good music and singing, we're fulfilled. Filled even.

My notion and concept of worship was never like this, because I 1) did not grow up in church and 2) did not grow up in N America. I grew up in a church where worship was a key part in our relationship with Christ, why? Because we interact with Him via the Holy Spirit. We give him space. here, it's like we need to sing Christian music (whatever THAT means)

SO, there's no formula, but it's not rocket science either.

I preached once years ago that my favorite times in worship is when there are no lyrics on the screen. Time in-between songs, when the music is very quiet, and there's nothing but space. and it's in these times where freedom takes over. what a strange saying, that freedom can be controlling, but it's closest saying that represents what happens in those sweet moments.
In these moments, God and I talk. Maybe not in the way that I talk with another humans, but there is a heart to heart between the everlasting God and little ol me. In those times, I feel the weight of my sin. I feel the love and grace of God. Those moments become the exclamation in everything else that God was speaking to me about.

It is important to understand that without the punctuation of the Holy spirit in the entire package of what God speaks to us in a worship service, we have an incoherent message. i'm not talking about the sermon, i'm talking the whole service. don't believe me? Think about a letter or email without punctuation. It wouldn't make sense, it would be difficult to receive, meaning would misinterpreted. it would be gibberish.

There are loads of things that are going on in our personal lives, and in something like a worship service. You have scriptures being read, sermons, communion, announcements, friends, you name it. So when the music time of worship happens, and then you have a moment when their are no lyrics and the music is quiet, it can be stressful. that's why i'm such a stickler for space in a worship service. There are so many different things attacking our senses and vying for our attention, so what do we do? we bombard it even more with more "Jesus" stuff.

i vote no. i say, let's calm down, quiet down, and just let God, through the holy spirit, speak. see, it's not rocket science.

so next time you have a minute, either alone or in church, especially in such an intimate time as a worship set.... give God space. Let the Holy Spirit guide the message of the worship service by adding the vital punctuation on the whole thing in order that it makes sense. then worship won't be about being filled, but it will be about receiving the true revelation that the Lord is trying to give you.

or you could just play sudoko....

:to shine a light:

2011-03-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

The last few times I've been putting Ethan to sleep, he's been grabbing the taplight and walking around the room to illuminate certain corners of the room. He also likes to shine the light on his train table saying, "more light." it's very adorable.

I've thought that this new development is pretty cute, but sometimes I'm too preoccupied with trying to get him in bed that I've been missing out on something God has been showing me.

One of the callings I have as a father to Ethan is that be an example of Christ to him. The point being is that before anyone sits him down to talk to him about Jesus, he will have a strong foundation of his parents' example to say, "yeah, I understand what you're saying... My dad and mom showed me what that meant." something along those lines.

The truth is, Janice and I aren't the best parents. It's hard to always be on your guard and to always walk with integrity. At least for me. Janice is much better at this than i am. However, having a child, especially now as he's a toddler and very observant, it's really forced me to think long and hard about my example to him. it's a very passive way of discipling someone, not really with words, but with action, example, tone and heart.

So, when he was picking up his light and shining it around the room, for some reason i started to well up with tears. it was really God saying to me, "he will have a light of his own from ME, and he will shine it."

there are days where the grace of God is a million miles away from my perception, and then there are days when he sticks it right in my face and says, "here it is, take it."

:thank you daddy:

2011-02-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

you know, i never EVER comprehended what this phrase means, or the impact it could have on a father. let me give some background information.

over the last few months, we've been trying to teach our 2 yr old proper manners. it's really difficult to explain to a toddler to wait for something that he wants. i was going to write 'desperately' want, but at that age everything is desperate. in fact, i observe ethan to be overly dramatic, and janice likes to point out that he is truly my son. anyways, it's called "delayed gratification", and is a very important skill to develop if a person is going to function in society. other than trying to teach ethan delayed gratification, we have epic battles over the two phrases, "please" and "thank you".

most of the time we literally have to hold him back from a toy or food and then wait until some semblance of please or thank you comes out his mouth. the point is that he learns that if and when he desires something he needs to ask politely for it.

when we are holding our 2 year old back, and some yummy snack is being held in front of his face and he's forced to say "thank you daddy", it's nice. you know? it's really cute. you kinda smile, pat him on the head and then you give him whatever he asks for. after that you smile and then you think, "one day he'll get it", but you give the snack anyways. there's joy in the knowledge that my son is on his way, albeit slowly.

today was a different story.

it was a very chill day at home, and so ethan bumbled over to me while i was in kitchen and he clearly wanted a drink. he was looking and point at something and i realized that he hadn't drunk anything in hours. thinking i'll give him a nice drink, i decided to get him some juice instead of his normal water. i heavily diluted some OJ, put the lid on his sippie cup, and sent him on his way.

as he walked away he looked at me at smiled and said "thank you Daddy". clear as day, and walked away chugging away the juice.

i can not accurately explain to you the feeling of joy, happiness and pride that swelled up in my heart when my son, unprovoked, said thank you. and not because he had to because he wanted some juice, he clearly said it because he was thankful for the drink that i made for him.

he walked away smiling. i walked away almost crying.

the impact of this simple phrase of gratitude, arguably just thrown away from the giver, had a much more profound impact on the receiver. and after some reflection, the giver of the gratitude will not be able to fathom the impact on the receive. especially when that receiver is the givers' father.

today, i've received such strong insight into a fraction of the joy that our God, the Father, receives whenever we just say to him with a genuine heart....

"thank you"

i can not remember the last time i have ever said to God, thank you, without a desire to ask God for something selfish. today, God used my son to remind me that saying thank you to Father God is something that is necessary as a follower, but it can give our God such joy. the true joy of seeing his creation honor Him.

i mean this was a pretty heavy revelation considering this occurred after church and i went all service without actually saying 'thank you' to God. and yet, in my kitchen, given my son watered down juice, God reminded me of my manners. not just to get what I want, but to give joy to my God.

and also, to anyone who still reads this blog...

"thank you."

:harmony:

2011-02-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

look, let's a little honest here....

i'm a melodramatic guy.

not all the time, but much of the time, i get a little emotional. i don't like to show it, because that's just the way i am, but i dont know if it's old age, or depression, or desperation, or being uprooted, or becoming a husband, or becoming a father... but i'm melodramatic.

it's a bit hit and miss though. some things that really should move my soul don't, and i question my heart of coal sometimes. most of the time i laugh at things i should be appalled about. but sometimes, i'm just struck by certain things.

.... like The Sing-Off.

so the Sing Off is a show where it's basically a reality show where America's best acapella groups sing their hearts out to get America to vote, and the top group get's a butt load of $$ and a recoding contract. yeah yeah yeah, reality show making you soppy?

look, what's going on here is more than just a show. what moved me was that these cats had a team of people... they weren't the greatest looking bunch, nor the most successful or driven peeps...

but boy could they sing.

the reason why i loved this more than any other thing is that when they replay the show you can hear almost every single person singing, and it was simply amazing how their voices blended and complemented each other.

i love that. a lot.

you see, in life it's really hard to know where you fit in. think about it, socially, professionally, emotionally... people these days dont want to be labelled anything and we get this entitlement bug and refuse to be boxed in. but the joys of seeing these people understand that they are not good if not in a team of people where the sum of the parts is great than the whole. i loved other performance reality shows, but to be honest there's something magical and mesmerizing when an acapella group can get their voices, tones, pitches, beats all on the same page.

i guess it's called harmony.

as a pastor in training i guess there are goals that i have as leader. sometimes as leaders we tend to maximise the return on our human-resource investment, but that doesn't speak of the majesty of getting a group of people to put down their own personal agendas and to work together for a common purpose.

so you have these 5 or so different groups trying to do their best to perform as a team, yet for one song each week they come together to form this amazing, huge group to sing one song that blends ALL their gifts together. the resulting song is that i forget that this is a competition and i just enjoy the fact that man, this is pretty amazing. let me show you.

and that's kind of how i want to lead my church one day. that yes, we have a purpose, a vision and a plan, but the point is that together we can accomplish something that paints a picture of the beauty that's capable for God's people.

i can't believe i just posted about the Sing Off. but hey, i TOLD you i'm a bit melodramatic.

houses made of graham crackers

2011-01-16T23:53:00.000-08:00

i'm not a big believer in living in an edible house. giant peaches, marshmallows... you know the deal. and of course, there's graham cracker houses.

last night janice and I put together... as in cut, glued, decorated and took pictures of a graham cracker village. 5 buildings in total, complete with a chapel among other things. it was actually a lot more work than I thought, cutting out those annoyingly brittle walls and roofs, putting the tiniest little balls on icing that's already dried up, trying not to swear when I jab my overly huge finger through the wall of a stupid cracker.

and so God making the universe in 6 days seem all the more incredible.

anyways, back to the point at hand. i was looking at these incredibly brittle, fragile, tiny homes... and I thought,

Who the hell would want to live in one of these things?

it was rhetorical, which honestly speaking, ALL my questions are rhetorical, but after some thought i really wanted know what type of person would knowingly move into a house that really was only suitable for Papa Smurf. i mean, this thing was being held up by icing of all things. it would eventually rot with mold,and it must have the worst plumbing system possible. let me show you our village:

of course, after careful consideration, the only answer is:
NO ONE.
no one would choose this type of living situation. it smells nice and could be nice to look at, but practically it's worthless, substanceless, pointless...

yet this is how we all live.

our lives are so self-engrossed that when the winds of life blow (pun intended), we loose center and we panic. panic is such an underused word in our society because it instills many preconceived notions to the listener... but honestly, so many of us are in a tailspin and we are in a vicious cycle that's out to destroy us. if it's not our family, it's our job, it's our marriage, our friends, our health... you know that song i'm singing right?

there's a name for this type of 'thing'. i use that word loosely, because it very tenuously holds together far too many combustable situations, but that word is summed up nicely in a Holy Book i'm currently studying. it's the word 'storms'.

storms in our life are inevitable. they are. Jesus Christ never said, i'm the savior of the World, now go eat sun chips forever and let's just chill. nope. he said, come to me all who are heavy burden... and i'll give you rest.

he wasn't talking about taking a pit stop along a road trip of life to intermittently relieve yourself. he was talking about coming to Him with every single issue, every problem, every 'thing'... and he will DO something about it. what does he do?

Matthew 8:25-27
And they went and woke him, saying, "Save us, Lord; we are perishing." And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the ~~things~~ storms, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, "What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?"
- emphasis mine

so, what am i trying to say? i guess i'm saying that our lives ARE fragile. they are supposed to be. trying to change that about our lives is just plain stupid. we can't. we can't just etch-a-stech our whole life and say "man, let's start that crap over again..." we have one life to live and it's scary if we screw it up. and i mean, we are mostly blood, bones and organs wrapped tightly by a layer of skin that's comparable to burritto skin... and yet we think that security comes with a degree, or a gun. we are fragile people through and through.

we live in graham cracker houses.

yet in my tender 30 years of existence, there's never been a single message on this planet that's as compelling as Jesus Christ when he says this:

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

i mean, he is God, he created... everything. and He knew just how fragile we are, how fragile our psyche is, yet He also gave Christ. He comes, He forgives us of ALL of sin, by His grace, and then He says, "now LIVE!"

wow.

so now, i can live life in a graham cracker house, and have the best fricking life possible. and intend to.

welcome back...?

2011-01-11T21:40:00.001-08:00

so, since my last post... EVERYTHING has changed. again.

rather than go over every single minute detail, i'm just going to comment on a few things, just to keep it interesting.

so Theology. what the hell is that?

i know i have no more readers for this site, but if i were to pretend that I did like I used to, some people would be asking me that. i also have no friends now... but again, if i did I would imagine that they would ask that question.

so like, are you going to be a priest?

i get that question a lot. like it's a weird question because I'm not Catholic, nor do i like to wear black so really it's a "no, not today i am. we'll how how tomorrow goes."

the reason for moving halfway across the world, quitting a very amazing and comfortable job, leaving friends and family behind is not to become anything really. it wasn't even to get a piece of paper that had numerous capital letters with a full stop after each one. it was one 1) to follow what God told us to do 2) to get training in being able to lead people towards being more like Christ.

so here I am, months in. I finished my first term and I have learned so much... not just about being some sort of Minister, but about my self, my family, my shortcomings, my fears... i've learned a lot.

and so i need to digest them. here.

yep. i'm back on the blogging trail. i'm going to keep this going for at least every week of this semester. I laugh at many of my peers in school, as a number of them have very insightful and powerful blogs that comment on the current state of society and/or their theological revelations.

me? i'll invent random stuff about life, and will post silly but amazingly cute photos of my family:

till next time folks.

:procrastination:

2009-12-18T05:22:00.000-08:00

so, it's been WAY too long since i updated here.. but since no one follows this anymore, and i posted once in the last year, i feel free to just update away.

life has been ABSOLUTELY crazy since Ethan was born, and life is moving forward at an incredible pace. i have realised that i am not prepared at ALL to be a father, but every single day has been filled with adventure and grace from God. i think that's why a baby can't remember anything before 2 years old, because that gives 24 months for the dad to figure stuff out...

so it's 924 on a friday night. i haven't preached a sermon almost 2 months.. and i've only really spoke 4 times in the past 4. it's by design, for reasons i can't really share yet, but it's been a very good time of growth, or trusting, and of releasing.

as i sit here in my flat, alone and trying to get inspiration from the Lord on to how this sermon is going to develop... i just reflect that my life, coupled with the amazing commitment and love from Janice... and now the icing on top of Ethan.... my life is just awesome and crazy. awesome because i never really dreamt that i would be living like this.. not in the affluent sense, but in the sense of trusting in God, but being so blessed by Him too. my life is crazy because.. i lead an amazing group of young adults, i'm part of a crazy church that's doing crazy things... and i'm a flipping father! awesome and crazy.

anyways, this is a directionless rant that has me resurrecting the blogger inside of me. Jon Yang is inspiring me to press on and blog daily. i haven't blogged daily since 2008, but then again, now that blogs are very uncool, with twitter taking over the world... i find this very familiar blogger site welcoming and familiar....

so, here's my feeble attempt at allowing more people back into my brain. i really wanted this site to be about the pitfalls of my life, ministry, marriage and fathering skills.. but in the end, it's just going to suffice as friday night procrastination outlet.

my guilt level has reached capacity, and so back to the grind i go.

ps. as i pray, surf, type, write and ponder tomorrow's talk... i'm always thinking about how the people will respond... i mean.. i have been thinking about this sermon for months, since i never speak anymore... but i haven't actually sat down to write it until late this week. i know my heart, and i know how i want to see 180ers end their 2009. but can i get there? can i share what the Lord is saying? can i do it?

opps. Ethan is crying... gotta go.

much love and hopefully i'll see you again soon.

shhhhhhhh

2009-04-02T17:30:00.001-07:00

So secretly I've been wanting to blog for a while but never really got round to it. Now with some free time I've decided it's time.

Life has been absolutely amazing. Ethan is almost 4 months and it's just amazing to see him learning new things like laughing and turning over. I love it.

What's also been crazy is the development of my role. I've really latched on to the word that the lord has given me to release. Meaning to trust more in Him and in the people He has placed in my life. I think doing this has been as difficult a it's been rewarding.

I think at the core of who I am, I like to control things, or I like to feel that my opinion counts towards something. I've studied that this is a veer natural human need. And as I come to more and more situations where I have NO control, I cone face to face with the situation of trust or loose.

So yes. My updat is that I am releasing an trusting more with my life. In many ways it's amazing, but not easy.

Just like getting back into blogging.

Till next time.

:hey there buddy:

2008-10-18T00:50:00.001-07:00

So I was about to leave the toilet when in the door comes Chris Tomlin.

"hey there buddy" he says.

Now, at this point Tomlin knows that I'm on ledership team, as the blue shirt and pass says so, and no doubt he was being a good worship leader and trying to reach out to the local team.

Now, I sometimes get weirdly star struck sometimes. Not becaus I'm enamored by the person, but more because I know how I want to be treated when I go abroad.

I've been the 'big shot' a few times before, and everytime I've connected with our hosts is when they just chill.

With that experience I was determined to do the same with my new bossom buddy, chris tomlin.

So, when tomlin patted me on the shoulder and said what's up, I said this...

"uhgg ahhh uhhh, ohh..."

Then I walked through the door.

I'm such a tool....

:dude, where's my blog?:

2008-10-08T08:30:00.001-07:00

I'm just testing to see If I can update my blog from my phone.

As you can tell from the number of my recent posts, I love my new iPhone. There are a few things I don't like but there are many more that i love.

Anyways, let's test this baby out and the I'll post a real post....

:Timeout Competition:

2008-09-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

so Timeout do these competitions and i've always wanted to enter. deep inside i feel like that i have talent to write silly but somewhat engaging prose. i'm bias, this i am well aware, but hey.. this is my blog, so bite me. anyways, here's my answer and i hope i win!

Q: In 50 words or less, tell us what your favourite style of music is, and why.

For decades I have caused men and woman to join arms, to prance in unison, to cross language and cultural divides.

I can be seen in bars, or fields. On a weekend out, or daytime over a picnic.

Young and old I welcome all to join in my tunes, tap their feet and shakes their hips.

The strings sing my direction, the joy abounds, laughter always follows me.

I am... The Irish Jig.

:love?:

2008-09-24T04:01:00.000-07:00

so on monday i went to gym. (i know, SO blogworthy) but what happened at the door to my clubhouse was this grandma type person who was absolutely pissed off. like really ticked. she came out while i was on the way in and then before i walked in i heard her start a full on curse-fest. i turned around to see what was going on, and i was shocked.

there was a small girl, must have been about 5 yrs old, with their helper.

The grandma full on cussed out both the helper and then child. it was all in canto, but if translated it was a flurry of f-bombs and ridiculously mean things... she was in the face of her 5 year old granddaughter telling her that she was f'ing no good and worthless all because they made her wait or something stupid like that. it was intense because it was complete with granny throwing her bags on the ground, finger in the chest, hitting the girl on the arm... very agro.

i was shocked at the whole scene... but when shock was over, anger seeped in.

this gave me the extra umph needed to complete my workout, but i really couldn't get over the harsh words spoken to someone who wasn't even old enough to cross a street on their own. also, the poor helper was just doing her job... and what did she get for it? an angry chinese grandmother yelling at her.

i've been in christian ministry for over 4 years and so many problems in adult life stem from crap that happens when children hear damning words from an adult, especially from family.

as i take this continued path down towards becoming a father, i've been super sensitive to circumstances like this, and the more that i experience, then more that i'm hoping and praying that the Lord keeps me on a path that leads me to be a good husband and father... not a raging hypocrite that looks for a reason to throw f-bombs at the world. (i've been doing that a little bit, but more on that in another post)

so, the lesson for today is don't become an old angry chinese woman. take a deep breath and chill... you know?

chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll.

otherwise you'll be like my friend here below..

:the mind, and the beliefs:

2008-09-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

as janice and mojo are quietly snuggled up next to me in a wonderous afternoon nap, i'm sitting on my sofa contemplating the human mind, society as an evolved entity and what place religion has in it.

i think it would be safe to say that as soon as humans developed language beyond grunts and snorts, they must have asked the question "what happens after we die..." and then someone looked up from their meal and countered, "but where did we come from...?"

over the weekend i was sitting through a series of talks by a guest speaker from india who gave some great talks about the promise and deception of Yoga. i wasn't really looking forward to this, but after the first 15 minutes, i realised that i was hearing more about the impact of Hinduism than of yoga.

if you couple my weekend with my other recent week of an introduction to Theology, it's been a mind bender. i've loved the extent of the teaching, because it's stretched my mind beyond where i have been before. it's an entirely welcomed change from the more run of the mill stuff, a lah hillsong.

what simple conclusions i've come to is that the human mind is amazing. with the ability to think, comes an ability to imagine. and that ability to imagine gives us a chance to consider things that our logic can't explain. the secular argument is that religion is just the overactive imagination to provide a dream for people to live for.

you see, in a world study of those who actually declared an answer, 87% of the worlds population said they believe in some sort of religion... and it's roughly believed that around 35% of that 87 believes in God, and Jesus as Lord and savior.

i've lived in a type of bubble. meaning that i've not really done due diligence in understanding what the other religions are teaching and believe. not the best approach, but my argument is that i'm still trying to wrap my head around my own beliefs, there's no more room in the inn for anything else.

what this doctor was teaching was that Hinduism goes down a path that i can try to sum up as self actualisation.... what is actualised is that we are all one... we are all God.

i've known some incredibly strong new age practitioners, and free-mind types... like my own mother for one. they all share a particular type of smugness... it's the... "i'm SO advanced in my beliefs that it just shows Christianity as a dated, insignificant boring set of rules." then discussion becomes difficult as i'm always face to face with someone who seems to know everything about anything and then they humor because i've such a simple belief system.

i guess what i'm saying is that when people are so into yoga, or new age, or reiki or whatever.. it's the ultimate goal that they can manipulate energy. in yoga, you can achieve inner peace, while being very healthy. with reiki, you manipulate energy to heal with your own hands. with new age, you channel energy and spirits for your own benefit.

i've noticed such a huge focus on the self. like the ultimate goal is to have power. the doctor also taught that this is exactly like what the serpent was tempting adam and eve with... eat this and you be like God....

"to be like God..."

if this is the ultimate teaching of Hinduism, or the end goal of new age... isn't that amazing that God outlined this lie in the first book of the bible?

yet at the heart of a relationship with Jesus, it's about love. sacrificial love that says i can not sit back and be quiet if injustice or inequality is rampant. i can not be comfortable if there are people around suffering. and i dont do this because i need to atone for my bad karma or because i need to. i do it because i have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus and i desire to see that freedom and forgiveness spread through this whole world.

yet if that's truly what i believe... or what WE believe... why dont we do it?

:fear of fatherhood...:

2008-09-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

so over the last 24 hours i saw two children of a man who is very "on fire" for the Lord. The type of "on fire" that used to make me cringe and be a little ashamed of being Christian. I know that you know what i'm talking about, so i wont go into detail. the thing that kind of made me feel a little uneasy was that he, and his wife are really lovers of Jesus... like he started a home church, and is the type of person that everyone in the city knows. "oh yeah, that's so-and-so, great heart for the Lord!"

but lets talk about their kids. i think that there are only 3 of them, but all three have gone off the rails and are completely, absolutely, not wanting anything to do with Jesus Christ. it's not like they're very chill, and atheist... they have literally gone off the rails and are struggling with different types of addictions that are arguably destroying their lives.

yes i'm judging them, but i'm honestly only observing from a pastoral standpoint.. that in this family, the parents love the Lord and the kids hate the Lord.

as Janice and i prepare for parenthood, there are a few things that we really fear. oftentimes, we play an unhealthy game of "what if..." and honestly, that game, if there's no line drawn, can digress to pinpoint deep fears that we have as followers of Christ and as human beings.

As a husband, i know the scriptures in the bible that talks of being a spiritual head of the house and holding responsibility for my wife. for the record, janice doesn't need me to spiritually hold her hand and move her forwards with the Lord, so that's been great. I mean, we can obviously be closer to the Lord, but we still encourage each other in the Lord. HOWEVER, janice is a grown woman and for as i long as i've known her she's been in a relationship with the Lord.

in a few months, our son will be relying on us and us alone to see God.

as a pastor, i get a glimpse of this. it's kind of the same thing... i seek Christ out and as i hear His leading in my life, i share what i hear with my young adults. in some very small ways i am responsible for the spiritual growth of some young adults. it's not entirely up to me, because they are grown and mature people... they can find Jesus on their own. "follow my example as i follow Christ..." is something i live to, but i know for a fact that there is grace because they are supposed to test every word from my mouth.

but it's different with a child... my OWN child.

this child will completely rely on janice and I this child lives with us. he will see all our faults, all the things we don't do, or don't live up to. i can't hide behind a pulpit. i can't run away from everyone in the church and hide on my day off... our Son will be searching for God and the first point of contact will be Janice and I....

i was given a piece of advice from a friend, and she said this... "If i could change one thing on how i raised my kids, it would be teach them as soon as possible to fear the Lord. That impacts everything."

Having a fear for the Lord will impact everything.

this has really stuck with me... and in the few months before our son pops out and draws his first breath... Janice and i gearing up in prayer to not only raise a child, but raise a follower of Christ. We have decided already that no matter how hard it will be, we'll do what we can and love our son as Jesus loves us.... unconditional is the word. i expect that i am only just beginning to understand what this word actually means...

so as the weeks continue to unravel, and my wife's bump grows into more of a watermelon... i am faced with a plethora of feelings... some good, some not so good. every day it's elation and fear all wrapped into one...

but really, all i can think is...

i can't bloody wait! woohoooo!!!!!

:Theology:

2008-09-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

ok so i've jumped onto a plane, and rather last minute like, i'm in Manila on a theology course. it's a long story, but the vine has sent me here to receive training and solid theological teaching, while also serving the people by being on the worship team.

after 2 days, everything i know about God has changed.

alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration... but it's been crazy. i mean, i've been to many different kinds of teaching, but never like.. theology stuff...you know? i've been to 7 sessions 36 hours... and now i've had a few key things that i've always believe to have been "doctrine" now, not.

the details will not be shared here, mainly because i've still to digest and figure out this stuff to call it my own doctrine, but there's something that i felt compelled to share here though.

The principle of the School said that Theology can be described as the Mind Worshiping God. think about that for a second. The MIND... called to worship. dictionary.com states this:

the·ol·o·gy
the field of study and analysis that treats of God and of God's attributes and relations to the universe; study of divine things or religious truth; divinity.

i've kind of held on to the secular thought about theology. it's about studying the bible, about KNOWING the TRUTH about scripture. about being an authority. about having the letters and qualifications to lead people in Christ. it's about knowing more than the average person.

what i love about this week is that i heard the Principle of a School of Theology tell me that theology is actually a type of worship. worship to me speaks of an interaction with God. for some reason, i've taken that interaction OUT of what i've thought theology is.

which is wrong.

this week, if nothing else, i've felt like the Lord has shown me that it is possible to intensely study the bible, and still have an outworking of love... rather than an outworking of "i'm so stinking knowledgeable, now cower in my shadow."

so, next time anyone who's been to bible school starts waxing bible on you, remind that person that their call is share in love... and if love ain't what you're hearing.. then you don't need to hear it.

yup. that's how i roll.

:i'm not really Chinese....:

2008-08-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

so for years i've been eating dim sum lunches with Janice's extended family in hong kong. after years of being amazingly blessed by these great times... i've come a realisation.

i am not really chinese...

during lunch i was having flashbacks to that movie "Joy Luck Club" where the gwailo dude pours soysauce all over the dish that the mom makes? yeah... that's me. only sans le sauce...

i believe that i have discovered about 1001 little unspoken but vigorously followed laws to eating dim sum with old school REAL chinese people. i think that the problem is that i also get nervous and shy when the medium of discussion is Canto. that coupled with feeling VERY small around certain people... makes me... well.. kind of like Mr. Bean goes to eat dim sum.

one thing that i completely get wrong is the etiquettes of serving other people.

Janice is an independent woman (read, she can put her own food on her own plate). she's REALLY not into me putting stuff on her plate, so we just never did that. but in Chinese dim sum lunches, you're supposed to give to someone else before you put on your own? something like that....

see how crap i am?

so then i'm NEVER good with getting stuff from the table and putting in the person's plate... especially if that person is not really someone i know well. i guess i've watched my parents do it to hundreds of people and i'm always embarrassed by it because the people receiving the food OBVIOUSLY don't want it... that's why i never did it growing up... it's also because i'm the youngest, so by birthright, i wasn't serving ANYONE...

the same goes for tea. the FREAKING tea.

when do you pour? do you pour for EVERYONE? what if my arms don't go that long? who do you choose not to pour? do you pour by age, or by sex, or by preference, or by if you konw the person or not? or do you JUST pour the water? or JUST the tea? water AND the tea? do you double hand it and do both simultaneously?

i always thought that my brother-in-law Kevin Tsang did it VERY well. it helped that he has 7ft wingspan with those long arms. they don't call him stretch for nothing.

and then there's the law of "leave the last piece of dim sum so it'll get cold but no one can actually eat it"... i never understand this either.. i dont like eating cold dim sum, but you know what? THEY ALWAYS GIVE IT TO ME! well.. to be fair, i'll eat that thing, no matter WHAT it is, because well.. i love food.

OH and get this. my chinese is as good as a really smart 4 year old local, so when the extended in laws talk right to me and fast, i only take in about 5% of the intended meaning, and then i just go into smile-and-nod-mode. i mean, do i ask them to repeat themselves? do i say, please speak in English? (everyone of Janice's extended family speaks great English, but they only EVER speak in canto)... do i just flip the table and say, look! i'm only as good a 4 year old! PLEASE SPEAK SLOWER AND MORE SIMPLER! ha.. that would funny.... but somehow i think that is not the 'proper etiquette'

SO, i really have decided that after taking a good look at my knowledge of dim sum eating etiquettes... that sadly.. i'm not Chinese. i'm glad that Janice married me.. cuz sometimes i'm a bit of TOOL! (and i say that in and endearing way)

as the great philosopher Zoolander once said, "Who Am I?"

:my thoughts on Mike Guglielmucci:

2008-08-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

so i've had a few post on the backburner, but i couldn't decide on what to focus on... then i got an email this morning about Mike Guglielmucci and i've been digesting all this.

i first saw him preach in KL with the Planetshaker team, and i thought he was great. like a REALLY good 'fire me up' type of preacher... like the whole shaker team... very good at hype.

there was one thing that he said that completely did not sit well with me when he preached.. and it was that he said this, "Late last night, God gave me a song... and i believe it's a song for this country..." he then went on to sing a song that basically crescendos to the chorus, "Save Malaysia".

at the time, i was like... did you really write that last night? i've been preaching only for about 6 years now, but i know a slight exaggeration when i hear it.

when i returned to HK, i did some research and found that Mike G. gives that talk in a few places, but then changes the name of the country. Save Malaysia, Save Australia, Save America.... it's on a few of the their albums...

so when i read an email from Tom saying that this has happened... i was upset... hurt... and then i was a bit annoyed... but really, i wasn't at all that surprised.

check out the articles:
Adelaide Now
The Australian News

i've been at my desk for 32 minutes, and i've already seen pages upon pages in the blogger world absolutely kick his ass and rub his name in the dirt... while also i've read pages and pages about how can ANYONE believe in this God...

is there something cynical in me that says, you know what? i can see why he did it. great story... great way to push a song... but that's a HUGE facade... but as they say, when you lie you cover your lies with more lies.. and then you're in too deep...

i've been meditating on this scripture, and i've asked John to preach about this on Saturday...

1 Corinthians 9:27
27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

this is one of the most difficult scriptures for me a pastor and leader... because i hold myself to a standard which i do next expect everyone to live to, because i have to do what i can to live out the words of which i preach on that platform with that microphone... i do not want to stand in judgment one day and have the Lord say to me, you did not follow your own sermon....

but then there are days, that even when i don't want to, or i feel like i'm the biggest sinner in the world.. I STILL NEED TO PREACH.

if i were to loose sight of Grace, and the true meaning of the cross, then i would end up having to make ends meet in my own strength... to keep the hype going, to BE THE preacher and THE pastor that people want and expect me to be.

that's why i believe that Mike G would come to a place where he needs to lie.... because he needed BE that person.... and maybe he lost sight of the cross. think about it for a second. Mike G lead the Planetshaker band, and he writes most of their songs. he preaches all over the world. he leads many youth movements. i believe there could have been a touch of "the show must go on"...

i don't pretend to understand why he did what he did, or honestly to what extent the lie goes. i've already had a disturbing conversation with another Christian that basically wrote Mike G off as a fraud and fake... a believer saying that another believer is a fake and fraud?

Matthew 7:2-4
2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

i refused to pass judgment on Mike because i have been in a position where i did not deserve to even carry the label of Christian, let alone preacher or pastor... so i have decided that i will not do anything else but speak love and pray.

in that light i do think we should accept this as a personal warning for our personal walks with Jesus, while also accepting that this is an attack on the global Church and we need to pray.

but it still sucks to hear the news though...

:ugh....:

2008-08-15T09:15:00.001-07:00

i've been preparing for most of this week and i'm tired and my brain hurts and i'm unsure how it's going to go this weekend and i'm walking in a distinct lack of faith right now and i just can't seem to string enough brain power together so i'll just form the longest sentence ever and so now that that's done i'll just stop.

pray for me. pity would be nice. holy spirit would be better. both would be good as well.

oh and for 4 words for you. Tung Chung Kicks Ass.

put that in your pipe and smoke it. a long post coming up on monday. till then, ciao.

:by its cover:

2008-08-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

so for the next few days i've set aside my schedule and focused on getting ready to move away from ugly and smelly (but endearing) North Point... to forsake it for the openness, awesomeness of Tung Chung. janice and i went out on a bus ride to take us to Kowloon Bay, to make one last final stop at Ikea, and then have them deliver their goods to our new home... and then we'll close the book on this side of hong kong forever....

so on the way this morning, while on the bus somewhere around kwun tong or Ngau Tau Kok... a van pulled up next to us. typical triad front, where a deathly thin dude with ugly orange died hair and style-less dragon tattoos all down the back often find work. that's just how it is in hong kong.. these wanna-be gansta homeboys need to find work somehow, so they deliver goods in van's by day... live the Triad life at night.

this van was seemingly no different, about 4 people in the van, all shady.

as the van pulled alongside us i thought to myself, man... out here on the Green Line of the MTR, i guess we're on the wrong side of the tracks. i chuckled to myself and then i started to recall all the HK gangsta flicks that i loved watching in my young age.

then as the van pulled away, i was shocked to see this blazed on the side of the van...

just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Matthew 20:28

the real funny thing for me was that i just preached about this on saturday night... i talked about patience, long suffering and enduring... and here i was judging these men without ever having spoke a word to them... and right there on the side of their van, just like a bright light in a pitch black room... the truth of God screamed at me.

it was almost as if the Lord were patting me on my forehead and saying,"My son, you are such an idiot sometimes, but i still love you very much. Now go and stop judging my people."

"Yes Lord. Thank you Lord. Please don't smite me Lord."

big sigh.

if you read this far, leave me a note so i know people are still reading this. also, if you're of the praying persuasion, please pray for Janice and I as we have less than 5 days to pack every single possession we own and move it across this island.

oh and if you're wondering about our new place, check it out at Janice's blog.

Bless.

:the Dark Knight of Gold Digging:

2008-07-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

so 2 nights ago i watched the Dark Knight, and I loved it.

LOVED IT.

i have to admit that heath ledger did an amazing job. i mean, he was seriously twisted. he took the joker to a place where he should have been. let me explain.

when i was about 7 years old, i started to read my brothers comic books. my brothers had LOADS of comics, so really i had lots to read. i remember, clear as day, when i was reading some of the Dark Knight stuff.. and some of it really screwed my head. i remember at one point reading the story of how the joker catches Robin (yes, Robin was real) and then he kills (yes, kills in a comic book) Robin.... but how does he do it?

with a crowbar. the joker smashes the FACE of robin repeatedly... all you see is a bloody crowbar hitting robin again and again, all while you see the Joker laughing the whole time. as in this typed ALL over the page.

hahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahah....

messed up. that's all i could think... really messed up. i was 7.

so when i saw the movie, i had flashbacks to that moment. i was really sucked into the movie... and heath was awesome as the joker. i mean, it was so engaging that i was like gobsmacked... like.. i was in there man! here was my train of thought:

"man... i really dont want to ever have to meet the joker... i mean, he's crazy.. he's twisted.. how can someone ever be that twisted? man.. there's something in my nose. i bet that the joker would kill everyone he ever works with... i wonder if he was really abused as a child. i wonder what it feels like to have your face cut like that. man, i can't get that thing out of my nose! i wonder how the heck batman is going to stop the joker."

then i felt a hand slap my hand away from my right index finger lodged as it was so far up my nostril that i could scrape my brain. without knowing it was in my own little scared-ass world of nose-picking.. and i didn't even know it. I DIDN'T REALISE! i dislodged my guilty pointer finger from my nostril, and then i turned my face to janice who had this smirk on her face...

i was busted.

i'm so glad that janice and i were married, because if that was our first date, we'd be finished.... anyways, that was simply one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.. and i promised myself that from now on... no matter how scary a movie is, i shall not pick my nose....

:a witness ALL the time:

2008-07-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

I've been back less than 24 hours from an amazing trip to Oz and the hillsong conference, and i'm only just beginning to process what has happened to and in me. it's was an awesome time to just receive, to hear amazing preaching, and to really grow. but really, for me it was all about receiving. yep... that was the word for me.. RECEIVE. you see, it's been a long time since i've gone to something where i wasn't asked to lead or organise. the last time i remember was Oct07. i can't remember the last time before that... maybe last hillsong in 2005? so for me, the times where i get to do nothing but receive are too few.

what was tough for me to swallow was, how does one who is called to pastor and lead do so if he or she doesn't spend enough time receiving? what is he or she pouring out? is not the adage something like, "I give out of the overflow of my heart?" here's the scripture to back that up:

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

my question is, what if the spirit hasn't filled me to overflowing in a while? sigh.. these are the questions that hurt my mind and prick at my soul.

so anyways, let's get on to the meat of this post. there was a simple moment at the end of the my time that i knew that i wasn't overflowing, and trust my amazing wife to point it out like a piece of turd lingering on my jeans after a trip to the potty...

we were forced to stay the night is Ho Chi Minh because Vietnam Airlines had a flight canceled on us. normally i'd be over the moon because we get free hotel, 2 meals and a valid excuse to not go back to work, but in this case both janice and i were bone tired and were ready to go home to our cat and to sleep in our own bed. it was a stressful night because the airline were REALLY disorganised, and the staff were not helpful at all. it seemed at every turn they have never done a missed flight before... everyone was getting upset because very little info was being given and we ended up having to wait over 2 hours just to leave airport.

by the time we ended up in a cab, we were with these 2 other random guys and we ended up talking on the way to the hotel. One guy was a rocker on his way on a 4 month tour of the west coast, and another guy was a FaLunGong practicer and he had another interesting story as well. reminds me of this joke:

"A FaLungGung Monk, Social worker, Rockstar, and a Pastor are all in a cab...." um. yeah.

anyways, the convos were short and really only small talk. i mean, we didn't even get their names. but before we could really share our lives, we arrived at the hotel. we got our room and came down for dinner. it just so happened that jan and i got their first and then the Falungong dude came and eat on his own. rocker guy came in and sat down with the the monk. at the end of dinner, janice was like, we should go talk to them. i was like... man.. i'm tired, forget it.. i just wanna go to bed. at first my spectacular wife thought i was joking, but i was very serious and i was already on the way to get out of that place. after some firm words, i said, i am not talking to them, i'm going to bed.

then janice said, "You know Derek, you should be a good witness ALL of the time."

those words slapped me in the face, you know, the way that people need to be when they are being outright insane... the kind of "SNAP OUT OF IT" deal? that was me... BUT, being too selfish and tired i said very in a very pastoral and mature way, "bite me, i'm going to bed."

as i lay in bad, i realised that it was very true... i had a story to tell about Jesus, and there went 2 souls that i could've helped get to see Jesus... i mean, i have a huge cross hanging on my neck, yet i didn't have the balls or desire or heart to take 2 steps across a restaurant and talk for 5 minutes.

1 Corinthians 11:1
1Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

sigh.. so i left hillsong thinking that.. it doesn't matter how many amazing times of worship, challenging sermons, or times of rest i get... if it doesn't ever reach the surface as a CHANGE in our lives.. it's basically wasted.

thus was the first in my many revelations. watch this space as i continue to digest and figure out what the Lord has been trying to get into my thick skull.. but at this point, it seems that i have a FAR way to go.

Jesus working through Derek 0 : Lethargy and apathy 1

:to Australia we go!:

2008-06-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

So in about 2 hours i'll be flying away to Oz-land.

bye!

(what a great post!)

:a fathers day gift:

2008-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

ok so i had no idea it was fathers day yesterday.. i'm such a bad son... i lead the 9:30 service and i didn't even mention it. oh well.

anyways, so due to being at church late on saturday for 180, then arriving at church before 9am... i was spent. like i was really out of it. after the service i snuck over to starbucks, to enjoy the paper and a beverage. i tuned out the world as my ipod was blaring, engaged in the SCMP... it was, for just a few minutes, what i needed.

since i was facing the door, i saw an ordinary looking chinese man, followed in tow by a young teenage girl. right away it looked like a father-daughter date at starbucks... VERY cute. it just so happened they got their drinks and sat right next to me. they started chatting away, and it was charming.

i was about to leave to meet janice, and so i unplugged my sunday morning jazz... and i just couldn't help and overhear their convo.

"Dad, look at the length of these sleeves... they're so long! it's SO ugly!"

i picked up the tone in her voice. it sure wasn't "dad, i love you.."

"dad, NO ONE tucks in polo shirts anymore... that went out like 2 decades ago."

at this i felt sorry for the dad, because his daughter was ripping into him... like ripping... and he was just taking it. not even defending himself.

"dad, you're just not cool..."

sigh. as i picked up my bag to go, i glanced at the fathers face, and he was not really showing any emotion. he wasn't saying anything either. in my mind i was saying everything for him, but he just nodded and let his daughter continues to explain to her own dad why he needs to sign up for extreme makeover.

it was a sad sight, because what looked like a nice, fathers day date, turned into a fathers day heart-ripout-out session in a quiet corner of starbucks. as i was out of starbucks and walking away, i silently laughed at the whole situation. what a mean girl, what a tool of a father... hahahaha.

but then the shoe dropped.

that could be me. like really. that could be me and my child... getting ripped by my own flesh and blood because i'm just not hip. not with it. because i tuck my polo shirt high into my khakis... because i wear my pleaded pants up to 2 inches below my boob line. because i'm just not cool... or the anti-cool.

i'm SO not ready to be a father.

but for the record, if my daughter/son even did that to me, i'm going to give it just a much as i can take it. yeah.... i'll rip back into that child and teach them who's boss... aint no child of mine telling me what's up.

yeah... really mature derek.

i'm SO not ready to be a father....

:where i have been...:

2008-06-13T02:44:00.000-07:00

dear reader (although i know for sure that no one reads this anymore)

i'm terribly sorry i haven't updated this in months, as life has taken over. sadly, i've been having an amazing time but i haven't made updating this a priority. i've changed this now, and i'm going to include blogging as part of my weekly routine for work.. like showering.

there are two basic things that i have been engaged with over the last months. The first was an amazing opportunity to project manage an event with evangelist Ps. Reinhard Bonnke. more on this later. The second was..... Janice is PREGNANT!! yes... we've just passed 12 weeks so yes.. we are getting ready for a child...

so i'm guess this is going to be a "this is i did" blog.. but i promise to do some more commenting later. back to the post.

for Bonnke... i was involved with the Fire Conference... it was a conference that Bonnke's org (CFAN) put together. it was amazing because CFAN identified and PAID for almost 4,000 mainland Chinese pastors and leaders to come to hong kong and receive training and resources for them to return to China. It was an amazing vision to impact china through all these people. Honestly, i've seen people come and go, but for someone to actually PAY for 4000 people.. their transport, ALL their meals, ALL their conference expenses, ALL their hotel expenses and then on top of that bless them with loads of resources.... it's amazing.

the end of the conference was an outreach for around 14,000 people, of which i lead. It was an incredible experience to lead my team to bless all these people. i didn't really get a chance to see much of what happened on the inside, but the feedback was amazing. Thousands of people were bused in and blessed from the poorer districts, hundreds of people received Jesus as their savior, and we're still receiving reports of miraculous healing.

a whole shopping list of things went wrong on th day.. of which i'll be writing about in another post... but to be honest, after the dust has settled... it was an amazing opportunity to be in a place where the Lord moved powerfully. take a look for yourself...

now.. on to more personal things.

we've got a bun in the oven... can i just say one thing?

C-R-A-Z-Y

i mean.. we talked about this for months... we knew it was coming, we prayed... but now she's ACTUALLY pregnant... like a part of me and a part of her is growing inside her... really.. it's weird... i'm NO WHERE near being able to process any of it.. but God is good.. there's grace... SPECIAL grace for fathers... especially fathers to be...

anyways. this is our child.

so i guess this is me getting back into blogging... will be back every Tuesday at the latest.

if you read this far... leave a note and let me know that people are actually reading this! thanks lah!

:finally, a chance to post:

2008-02-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

so i figured that after a nice visit to shake'n buns in causeway bay, i'd be flying high. i've been pondering for weeks where i could get a good philly cheese steak, as TGIF's one was not up to par, and everywhere, quite frankly sucked. so after a jason young reco, i was with good friends and family taking my first bite. what was it like?

salt. that's all i tasted.

the place was overly packed, and i was jammed into a booth, so i was like.. forget it, i'll just eat it. it was really VERY salty.

stupid decision.

at 4am i was hunkered over my toiled dryheaving. i kept burping up salty smell, and i felt queezy. by the time morning came around i was cramping and aching all over my body... bleagh. anyways, to make the story short, i pushed through 180 (which was awesome by the way) and after drinking 67 littres of water, and setting a world recording for trips to the toilet, i was feeling much better by sunday afternoon.

so in my lessened state, i've been pondering the whole "salt and light" scripture that Jesus uses in 3 of the gospels. the scriptures only focus on what if salt looses its saltiness, then what good is it? but what if you get too much salt? you get sick, you hurt, you get achy, you get throw-up-y.

have you ever 'witnessed' (no pun intended) that? that your Christianity is so offensive to people you make them sick? i mean, that you're so holy and righteous that the only thing they think of when you are there is that they are dirty sinners? they aren't attracted to jesus or you at all, in fact, it's very much the opposite?

the overwhelming message of Jesus Christ is that even though we are sinners, Christ still died for every single one us, to forgive us completely and that we should receive that free gift of salvation.

so why is that so many of us give off a message of, "you're all nothing but dirty sinners, i'm above you, you disgusting thing. you must join my group and be like me...."

so as i was laying in bed moaning, i was thinking, this is is literally a sort of feeling that some non-Christians have whenever they see some of us? they get that sickly feeling, that queezy feeling..

it makes me sad to think that.. but that's the truth. we are called to love, to be love in a loveless world, to show grace as grace has been given, to extend a hand of support...

sigh... have we moved so far from the true message of Christ?

to cure my disease i just needed to flush out the impurities with a bunch of water, and allow it to flow out of me. would it be so easy as to allow the Living Water of God cleanse us of all the wrong thoughts and theology, and for us to be returned to the simplicity of the true message of Christ?

i wish it were as simple as that.

:what addiction?"

2008-02-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

ad·dic·tion (ə-dĭk'shən)
3. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

so for the last week i've discovered this...

during the coldest stretch ever in my 15 years of being in hong kong, i've been turning to my newest addiction in my life. Rooibus Tea Latte... it's stellar. it's the type of thing that would alter my traveling path to make sure i pass by a starbucks and i get my fix...

it's actually more because i'm moving to cut coffee out of my life. i've had a long hard think about what coffee does to the body, and after thinking about it i've decided that it's actually just as bad as smoking. the caffeine that i believe that i need can be acquired through tea, and that's free of all the crap that burnt coffee beans bring.

so, that aside, what's the real point of this post. well, it's more about the nature of addiction.

i've been addicted to a few things in my life. ecstasy, cigarettes, SNES, jazz music, coffee... i think many people are addicted to many things, while that's NOT ok, it really depends on what you do with that addiction.

in january, many people in our church went on a fast, and people fasted many different things from facebook to food... at the end though, rather than do a post fast binge, which is rampant around me, i've taken a new deeper dive into the whole thing. i've been thinking about things in my life that i allow to take the place of God.

i mean, that's what addiction is about right? turning to whatever that thing or place is, even when you dont want... till the point it consumes you. which is actually the rightful place of God.

Joshua 22:5
But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to obey his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul."

this is what the bible defines as an idol. Something that steals worship from God. can you imagine that? my local starbucks gets more joy, more satisfaction, more attention then my God gets? preposterous? or painfully true?

so now i guess i've found out now that seemingly harmless things can be described as something that distracts me from God. yikes.

..... hmmm.. that's some bad tasting food for thought now isn't that?

let's not even TALK about TV....

sigh....

:if i had a dream...:

2008-01-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

at 180 a few nights ago i was speaking/preaching and i mentioned that i was now the pastor of this ministry for now closing in on 4 years. that's a long time. actually, it's not too long, but it just seems long. in the grand scheme of things, 4 years are actually not very long at all. i mean, there are pastors who can count in decades, not months, you know?

not that my previous paragraph is going anywhere in this post, but i just think it's weird that as i look around many of the churches and ministries in hk, there aren't many that have had a leader stay for so long.

i'm not looking for a pat on the back either, i'm just thinking out loud...

so every now and then i enjoy my day off in a different manner. most days the stress and demand from being constantly around and in front of people confine me to my sofa to literally recharge my sanity. i'm not quite there yet, but i'll keep typing regardless.

today i stumbled upon the trailer for "my blueberry nights" which has, surprisingly, Norah Jones as the lead. so, in honor of her, i put on her album and it all of a sudden it accompanies me while i walk down memory lane. her music is delicate, and emotion provoking. i'm no critic, but i know when i put it on this is what my soul gravitates towards feeling.

so one of the things i've always had in my heart was to work in a coffee shop, which eventually evolved to owning a cafe.

i know, i know.. my aspirations to shoot straight to the top of the professional pecking order must stun you, but this is something that i've held onto since i was about 16, so eat me.

while a teenager, i played tennis competitively and so i never drank coffee at all. it was too bitter for me, and i didn't understand what the big deal was. but a female friend of mine took me to quarry bay, which was a freaking TREK for me at that age, and she took me to one of the largest PCCs in HK at the time. to this day, i still remember spending that afternoon listening to jazz, reading some nondescript magazine, enjoying my first latte that i can truly remember, thinking... man.. this is amazing.

thus began my obsession with cafes.

zoom forward years later, and the first day of college in Michigan and i realised that the coffee cultural was significantly more advanced in the states than in HK, and i spent my very first arvo snuggled up with big thick book, and a honey topped latte in a moma-poppa cafe, and i thought that i was in heaven. come to think of it, i might have been.

i dont know if i'll ever own a cafe, but every cafe i go to around the world... it always makes me feel warm, like i'm home. i always tell my wife that one of the things we MUST do when i travel is go to a cafe. it just needs to be done. so, if i ever had a cafe, i'd make sure at least one item on the menu was so damn good that people will come just for that. either the cinnamon rolls, or muffins, or something that would be like legal crack. and the decor would be warm, seats cozy, and people will know my name. i'd like my staff to know people's drink, and i'd like to give away free things every now and then. my religious standpoint would be well known, by my love for people would be known more. we'd have latte art, and my workers would love working there. we'd serve free trade coffee. i'd love to have poetry slams, or spoken word nights. i'd have live music as often as possible. my customers would look down on starbucks, and own apple macbook airs. i'd have off-beat struggling muscians/artisan types coming back more for the vibe than anything else. i'd have indie hipster university students coming in large groups and being really cheap. i'd have young adults hiding from reality over a hot chai. i'd have girlfriends crying in the corner over a break up. i'd have homeless people come and hang out because they know that they are welcome. in the summer people would come to beat the heat and people watch, in the winter they would come and warm their souls with hushed deep meaningful but utterly useless conversations.

so, if i were the dreaming type... this is cafe i would have. and i might even give it a name? the janaffe (the jan-nah-fay)... i'm still working on this.

so i was wondering, do you have a dream? man.. i use so a lot..... *sigh* back to the sofa.

till next week.

:fire DONT fall down please:

2008-01-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

so last night at church we sung "fire fall down", and as i do during many worship songs these days, i allowed myself the time to reflect on the lyrics of the song. i generally believe that it's a good thing to know what it is you're actually singing. in my younger years of following Christ, i would sing everything as loud as i can, but these days i want to know, accept and believe the words i'm singing. lyrics of songs are ridiculous sometimes. not as in they are so far fetched, but ridiculous in the scope of what we're asking of God, or ourselves.

anyways, back to the song.

we get to the prechourus, and it kind of sinks into my spirit.

"Cause I know that You're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name, Jesus Christ"

if the Lord were to come and fix our broken lives, doesn't that mean that he'll have to reveal where our lives are broken first? would that not be a difficult, ugly, painful process?

we then start singing the chorus, "fire fall down"

so if the fire of God comes down to earth to burn up those recently opened up areas of pain and brokenness? i wonder to what level of pain are we as children of the Lord are willing to receive?

have you ever seen gold, silver, or any metal being burned of it's impurities? it's basically red hot flames... now imagine that the piece of metal had feelings.

it would hurt. a lot.

that's why last night i was thinking, man.... do i really want the fire of God to come, because that process of refining is a painful, crazy process that we only love in hindsight. it's a process of being stripped naked of things that we claim protect us or define us.. but is get's burnt away by the all consuming fire of God. so do we really want that in our lives or the lives of those around us?

the answer is and needs to be yes. so i decided to sing. but i guess it was the type of singing where i was begging God to really do as the song says... to burn away all the things in my life that turn it away from Him.

needless to say it's a scary thing if you really want that from God.. but as we see the first few weeks of the new year, why NOT allow God to fully be glorified with my life, regardless of the pain and the process involved?

a i guess the only thing to say now is... "bring it..."

:not Christian enough...:

2007-12-09T21:51:00.000-08:00

(please note that this is a backlog post, i have had major thoughts since then, especially about the shootings in Colorado, but for now, i need to catch up with my back posts. more to come later)

so recently in Hong Kong.. the Rev Dr Franklin Graham came to our neck of the woods to have a celebration and current day crusade (although you cant really say that these days)

growing up as a NON Christian, in Hong Kong, while not caring about anything really except myself.. i never even HEARD of this Billy Graham... like never. i didn't know he was the biggest evangelist... yaddayadda ya...

so when his son decides to come to hong kong.. it's a HUGE thing.. so huge that the stadium gets booked for like a whole week of services. that is big. just for perspective, hong kong has only one day a year where all churches are supposed to come together to do the most foundational thing we as Christians do... pray. so, the global day of prayer can not fill the stadium for one afternoon, and this guy comes to preach and he fills it... four times, and fills the overflow as well.. four times.

so already you see that while people would blow off prayer, they would rather see a son of a white mega preacher come a speak for hours.

that doesn't make any sense to me. so i voted with my feet, and i didn't go. why? because i knew that non of my friends would want to go. i also wasn't too hot on such a mega event. also i have no idea who Franklin Graham is, or what he has done.

little did i know that a LOT people from Hong Kong would be going, and apparently it's right up the alley of many locals. roughly 160,000 people... that's a lot of people.

so here's the thing. for many non or nominal Christians, this was THE event to go to. so someone to meet me, a pastor, and i'm not going? the answer is always the same...

"huh? you're not going?"

awkward silence.

"nope."

.........

"oh"

so i've been asked at least 10 times by people who i had no clue they knew anything about Christianity, let alone the whole Graham craze... and EVERY single time i get weird responses.

so i've been contemplating this question, am i less of Christian because i don't like old school Christianity? am i somewhat lacking in my relationship with God because i didnt' go and support the Reverend Doctor Franklin Graham?

after some days of self reflection, and soul searching... i've decided that i've come to a decision.

no. haha.

:so how do you feel about that?:

2007-11-12T01:23:00.000-08:00

sorry that it's been so long since the update, but better than most of the blogs out there since many of them have been left for dead.

not this one baby.

so over the last few weeks, i've been speaking regularly at either church, some youth event, or 180. speaking is something i've grown to love, while also knowing that it takes a lot out of me. after coming back from my conference in the states, people say i've grown in my preaching. i'm not so sure i agree, but then again i'm not the one that's sitting there listening to me on a bi-weekly basis.

so after speaking at 180 i tend to stay in the tabernacle to pray and catch up with people. i value this time because generally this is when people are doing some intense convo'ing with the lord. whenever i leave the tabernacle on saturday nights i get a short pang of grief, knowing that i'm willingly walking away from such a powerful atmosphere of faith.

so a few weeks ago, after speaking and honestly giving it my all, i pushed open the doors with a sigh.

*sigh*

then i put on the smile and continued to meet the new people. (i think i will blog about the post-180 experience) talking with a few new comers is always fun and reminds me of when i first came to 180. i soon found myself talking with a bubbly young woman who seemed sharp and 'with it', whatever that means.

she shared that she was in HK doing some HKG church shopping, and she wanted to commit to one before deciding to move here and accept a job offer that was on the table. i commended her priorities on the matter, and then i asked, as i always do, how did you hear about 180?

she then said something along the lines of, "Well, i've heard from other places that this church has a lot of young people, and that 180 has a lot of young adult Christians."

for a split second i felt the presence of pride welling in my spirit, but then the reality of us having less numbers these days as well as a couple failed attempts at starting some small groups brought my soaring confidence down to a respectable level...

i told her honestly that we are very far from being a perfect or even a good ministry. it wasn't fake humility, i was bluntly honest and told here where i saw the gaping holes in our ministry. we discussed this for a few minutes, then she asked this...

"I actually heard that 180 was the largest young adults ministry in Hong Kong. So how do you feel about that?"

now, i know for a fact that there are no statistics published to confirm this, and i also know that there are numerous churches who have vibrant young adult programs. i also know that we were operating way below our potential. i also knew that she was testing me, almost like this was her 'interview the pastor' session before she commits to the vine and 180. also knew that she was really listening intently and was wanting me to respond.

but i also knew that i've never thought about it.

it's not like in my leadership team meetings we put up the names of all the other churches on a wall and then throw food at them and cheer for ourselves for having the best attendance for the 5 week running. it's not the billboard 100 of young adults fellowships. the only competition that i enjoy is playing basketball, tennis, and anything on the nintendo DS... but trying for the largest ministry? come on. i've never wanted to "THE" largest anything. the only thing that's getting too big for me to handle is my waist line, and that's without even trying.

about 5 seconds ticked away while i weighed her question, and while i was thinking of what i should say as the pastor... which angle should i take? the humble 'we still have a long way to go' path... or what about the strong leader response 'yes, and we know that we walk in the blessing of the lord'... or how about the non-cholant 'yes we're aware of this but we dont really talk about it' answer....

another couple of seconds passed, and sensing she wanted a response, i decided that i would tell her the boring truth.

"i didn't know that, but that's not really an issue. i'm more focused more on our lack of discipleship, how to train our future leaders, and how to start new cell groups."

success is measured differently when it comes to a ministry. numbers is only one aspect. it's entirely possible to have a great big ministry that is lacking the Lord's presence. is God happy with 180? sure he is, but at the same time, i know beyond a doubt her grieves for this ministry as well. i know where we fall short of the calling we have been given.. but too many people jump on bandwagons and follow hype.

i mean, look at Spiderman 3... all hype, no substance. (sorry if you love spidey) same with Underworld. bleagh. transformers. ew. TMNT. poo. PS3. *yawn* hype sucks. substance... LASTING substance is what really matters.

this next year is all about that. substance. i would say that before part of me was about hype, about numbers, about having a certain type of ministry. now, i know the type of ministry that God desires... the type of ministry that the people need, no wait.. the type of ministry that the people are dreaming for. should that not be my benchmark of success? should that not be the goal?

so that it was i think about that.

:are you qualified to do this...?:

2007-10-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

So yesterday i was at KGV school in kowloon supporting Jaime Simpson on behalf of teen success, and i was leading a session called "The Power of Positive Perspective". it was part 3 of a bunch of other things that jaime had prepared, all based around self esteem. we had a class of about 25ish students, but we had about 7 special needs students, and with these students they had a team of 4 support staff.

one of these support staff was a great young man who was full of veal, promise and vision for his future. he was also muslim.

while i wasn't there to preach the gospel, heaven's forbid ESF would allow that... but i was there as a pastor who was failed at one point in his life, and in some small way bounced back from it.

so as i finished my session with my story about how i once failed in life, but then through some major incidences (ie Jesus) i was able to turn life around, and then now be in a place to prevent young adults from experiencing the same fate.

after my speaking part, he came up to me asked me a few questions. they kind of came in this vibe, and i'll spare you my replies...

"so what degree did you graduate with?"
"so why are you doing things like this?"
"so do you really think that anything you say is going to change these kids lives?"

then he dropped a bomb on me.

"so are you qualified to do this?"

i stared at him right in the eye for 2 seconds, and then i said no, i'm not.

i really am not. i'm not qualified to share with ESF kids about succeeding in life, most of them will have more credentials than i ever will have in just 5 years. i not qualified to preach to people, people in church how have more wisdom, more strength, more knowledge than i ever will.

in fact, i have NO qualifications. none.

here is my answer to his question...

no, i'm not qualified to teach these kids about how to succeed in life. i dont know the first thing about getting the right job or how to get rich. but what i did do in life was fail, and fail miserably. so in that sense, i am qualified to share what i did.... and if what i share prevents one of these kids from going down that path, from turning away from suicide, from failing in life... then this was worth it, and you dont need credentials for that. if i was one of these kids, i'd rather hear from someone who's gone through it all rather than hear from someone who just teaches theory.

surprised at what God had come out of my mouth.. we both stood there in silence for a few seconds, then it just passed. and to be honest i was thinking one thing and thing only...

put that in your pipe and smoke it buddy.

haha.

:fake it to make it:

2007-10-18T03:17:00.001-07:00

So at this conference i just came back from, i had a couple thoughts.

wait for it...

i've never been at a conference by myself, so sitting in huge conference centre that fit about 12 THOUSAND people and not knowing a single person is very strange. same God, same worship, but knowing that i was one little Asian guy in the crowd from Hong Kong on my own made me think a lot.

after thinking got boring, i decided that i was going to try and take photos. at any vine event i'm doing something on the stage so i never get a chance to snap shots. so since i was a nobody here, i decided i wanted to get some shots. having no fear because i could always pull "I lo spek englis, solly" card. which ALWAYS works with Christians by the way, i walked from my nose bleed seat and went straight to the main floor, took a deep breath, pull up my jeans, and made a bee line for the stage.

to be fair, i dont look like a photographer with my dinky little camera, but i challenged myself to use the viewfinder, and not the little screen. then i started to get a little more adventurous and i went side of stage.

then as i was hanging back a bit and watching the professionals get positions and their stances, and their demeanor, and started to think, what if i tried that? so i took in what they were doing and then i started to copy them. not only did it look like i was a real photog, it helped me get better shots!

so i was sitting here

and then i could get so close i was actually on stage and take shots like this

the best was that on the last day, when i was walking right past security, i was suddenly stopped by this woman who had 3 walkies all going off at the same time. (you MUST be someone if you need 3 walkies with 3 different channels). she stopped me and said hey, you can't-, and then i flashed my conference pass, pointed to the camera and walked right by her.

she was like "oh, ok. go ahead." score. totally.

i completely faked it, and i was spending time right by the stage taking some fun shots of the conference. i was wishing i had a better camera, but i was pretty happy with my shots. i was hanging out in the VIP area taking shots, behind the sound desk... By the way. this is my fav shot of the roll..

so i was thinking about this in a Christian church going sense. do people do the same? i mean, how do people really learn how to worship God? they must watch other people, then trail and error it to see if it works for them?

but what if it's just that? copying the other person?

faking Christianity is actually much more prevalent that we would like to open our eyes to. you go to certain churches in some cities and the people are jumping around, screaming, yet there is no connection with God. while in other places there's nothing but silence, and the connection is powerful. life changing even.

authentic worship. authentic lives. what a concept. i didnt realise how easy it was to fake it. i'm a pastor, and i've been a pastor for only 3 very short years, yet i know when people are giving me a bunch of words, rather than sharing their heart, or whether it is a real encounter with God.

sigh. it's a difficult thing, because i recall the bible talks about getting the plank of wood out of my own eye before looking at others. that's why i sigh.

sigh again.

so i guess the only way i change change this status quo is to inspire, encourage and lead by example, those people who look to me for leadership or friendship. i can be a light, so to speak.. only a light in an already lit place. the worst thing i could think of is that people would come and 'fake' their Christianity, then after a while be given rights, opportunities and responsibilities they shouldn't have. everything is fun and games until, yes, you guessed it, someone gets hurt.

and there are hurt people leaving the church every day in bus loads.

i guess i'm on a mandate to make a difference. to be real, and i'm not talking about gangsters or hip hop artist. i'm talking about a contagious passion for Jesus to be reflected and Glorified. and to answer the question in the conference.

this is what i'm going to do.

i'm out.

:holiday in Canada:

2007-10-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

so to be completely honest, Vancouver is beautiful. as you can see above. i took some photos and did my very best to sum it all up in less than 60 photos. if you'd like to view it and you're not on Facebook you can click on the photo below:

:back to the beginning:

2007-10-08T19:09:00.001-07:00

So at this catalyst conference I was there, on my, with 12 thousand people, and I was certain that not only did not know who I was, but the few that I did talk to still asked me about Japan, one person asked me if Japan was the capital of Hong Kong, not wanting to get into it, I said yes.

Anyways, I had a seat near the exit so I could pop in and out to the many vendors of Christian merch (most free), the numerous causes and bandwagons to jump on that were on display at this conference. I was on my way to look around before the last session, when I heard my name from a voice that seemed familiar.

I turned around and standing before me was my first Pastor, Jym Kay, the founder of SNA (now Flight852) and of 180. The first person to identify leadership potential in me, the first person to inspire me about missions, the first person to kick me off a leadership team, this was the MAN. I was so shocked for a full 3 seconds, because all those memories came rushing back and I was speechless. When I came around, I gave him a great big hug and he took me under his wing for the rest of the night.

He took me to his hosts home, which was beautiful, and we had home made lasagne, salad, French bread, followed with some great apple pie a lo mode. It was a simple dinner, but for me it was spectacular because I've been eating absolute fast food crap for the last 4 days.

Anyways, I was sitting there sharing my struggles with leading the ministry, with my marriage, with my dreams for the future, with everything. It was amazing to, in a minute, sink back to mentor mentee as Jym just sat there and spoke into my life.

It was weird to have a conversation with Jym in the capacity that I was in. 180 was a dream, was initiated by Jym. It was amazing because of the momentum it had when it started. Any person, Christian or not, will tell you that it's easier to start a ministry than to sustain it, yet that was what I was called to do. And while there are 101 things that I jump up and down and yell from the rooftops praises to God for, there are still many glaring holes in my ministry that will not let me rest.

It disturbs me.

Naturally, I'm a pessimist by my own doing. Christ is still changing me, but my natural inclination is think the worst, therefore whatever comes to pass will be better than expected. I think for my own life, and before I was leading a ministry, it was fine, but how can I lead people spiritually and expect the worse for them? That doesn't work.

So that's why it was refreshing to be back at square one of my walk, when I met Jym. It was refreshing because I knew that God wanted to remind me of where I have come from, of where I was when we started this crazy journey. Not only that, but I needed to hear Jym speak encouragement over me, and then to pray for me.

There is something powerful that happens when pastors allow themselves to be pastored.

Anyway, I left Atlanta still asking the Lord just how significant was this chance meeting, and I think that I wont know for years. I was grateful for every minute, but may this whole trip be... Well... A catalyst for God glorifying change in my own life, my ministry, and my church.

Amen.

:catalyst confirmed:

2007-10-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

So the title of the conference I just attended is called Catalyst. Nothing fancy, but it was cool how everything they did really surrounded around this concept of starting a change. I guess they really place highly this notion of change, as if every church that attends needs to get out the mediocrity that they are in. there were a few times where I felt that the catalyst team were a little arrogant, basically saying we are the hip and cool Christians and you guys need to be like us. Looking around though, I realised that it was true for most. However, after I got around these silly thoughts I think I had some very good things I will take away from the conference

Created to be who I am
It's a weird, and rather simple concept, but we sometimes we forget the basics, and then try to minister out of a place of advance theology that doesn't have two feet to stand on because.. Well... we've forgotten the basics. What does that look like in real life?

Me. simple, aint it?

Ok there is a basic foundational peice of knowledge that every Christian should have. From even before were we born, God knew us. He knew why were being created and he knew what life were going to live. For me, in this time, it was to be a pastor.

You know, even pastors need to get their calling refreshed, renewed. If you're reading this and you think pastors are the SWAT team of the Christians, never failing, always burning passionately, you're dead wrong. This may screw with your concept of a chrsitian leader, but I think it's healthy to know that I, as a pastor, needed that more than anything else this week.

I needed God to remind me, "Hey Derek, I love you. I have called you to this. It's ok. Don't worry, you don't need to please me. I AM pleased with you..."

You see stuff like this is why I needed to fly around the world and sit in a room with 12 thousand other strangers.

Sometimes you can be all alone in a stadium full of people, and in those times of being alone, the voice of the Father seems louder. I guess that's why we do quiet time. Just a thought.

If there is no change, we'll stagnate
I do need to honour that every ministry and every church needs improvement. This much is sure and if people can't admit then they're either blind or too arrogant. Over the last week I've taken a look at 180, at where I lead in my church, and I need to brutally honest with my team, and together we need to start instigating change that will not only spark reaction, but also a fervour for God that trumps out every other fervour that my young adults may have.

Because if we don't, it'll just stay the same, become boring, then suck. If there's one thing I never, ever want to be doing, is leading a ministry that sucks. And who's fault will that be? Mine. It's ok, I'm not afraid to take responsibility. Great coaches always say, when you win, it was the players, when you loose, it's the coaches fault. Comes with the title.

shoot for the moon, or why try at all?
I keep hearing some sort of variation of the cliché "shoot for the moon, and if you fail at least you'll hit some stars" or something along those lines. I needed to ask myself, what am I shooting for? One of the questions I was asked was, "what is a 'win' for my ministry?" it was a simple question on the surface, but I as kept digging in my own spirit what my goal, my bulls eye.. I was like.. Woah.. I'm not so sure anymore?

Have a packed out Saturday night? Surely this needs to be goal...

No. because what happens to all these people when they come? How are the discipled? How are the cared for? How are they even able to vault over our cement 10 feet walls we build around certain cliques?

So as I've just been thinking about this, I'm going to shoot for the moon. I'm going to freaking aim so high, I'm going to dream.

Paul Scanlon wrote once that he believe that Pastors, as not only leaders of churches but as a presence in the community, we OWE it to our society and congregations that we aim to build the church of dreams, rather than a church of what people need. When we start dealing with the type of church that is only a church of people's dream, then whey would they NOT come... They'd be crazy not to. What am I talking about?

A church that's vibrant, fun, living, passionate, active in the community, real, reflecting Jesus, doing things that other people are afraid to. A church that is so compelling to people that they HAVE to share it their friends, family, co-workers.. ANYONE.

That is my goal. Am I crazy? No. just Christian. Hear me roar.

:am i just another christian, Lord?:

2007-10-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

i asked myself this question every time i go to a conference. it's like a silly question i used to just playfully throw around. at hillsong conference where there's always about 25 - 30 THOUSAND Christians and leaders... i would always ask the Lord to prove to me that i'm special. it's silly and childish, but doesn't say something in the bible of having a kiddy faith? hmmm..

so today, i went through a few different emotions. GOd took me on a roller coaster, but it really wasn't too as much with the preaching as it was just due to the fact that i'm here alone and it's just me and God.

it's an interesting feeling, being in a room full of eleven thousand other people who share my same (most) beliefs yet not one of them knows my name. seriously, not even one.

it's been a strange process of understanding what my faith is built on. how much do i place fellowship, preaching, programs, ministry, church, work and just about everything else... OVER my relationship with God.

Today, during the talk of Francis Chan (you NEED to check him out), God turned my world inside out and upside down. i was so happy to hear him speak because well.. to be honest, he's probably the top Asian American speaker in the world right now. i can't think of any other ones. other than that, he was really good. as in, good in a way that set him apart from teh other speakers. it was an intense time where you could tell the holy spirit was on him. he wasn't screaming, he wasn't forcing any of it, it was simply a great example of someone being in touch with God while speaking.

to give you the short of it, he reminded us that we have been selected to be who we were from before birth, and that it is God in us. God in Us through our ministries, through our churches.. and that we dont carry the burnout, because it is God's, and He does NOT burn out.

after he spoke, they had a response song a bit later, and we sang God of Justice by Tim Hughes. it's one of the hardest songs to sing, because of some crazy lyrics. one line that kept stinging my heart

Lord, keep us from just singing. Send us out. Send us out.

as we were singing this song, something in my heart broke. i had to stand, i had to cry. in my comfort selfish life, all i had room for was how much can i bless myself. as i stood there crying out to God in groveling repentance, i looked around... i was the only one standing. it was strange, as i knew with all of my heart that hundreds, if not thousands of people were touched by God through the talk, yet for some reason it was only i who stood with hands out asking for forgiveness. maybe everyone else was, just not doing it standing, or with their eyes closed, or singing... i guess you could be worshiping while on your laptop or texting on your phone... as MANY people were doing.

that's when i felt God say to me.

"Look my child, i have set you apart. I have chosen you."

then i knew, i'm not... i CAN NOT be just a pew-warmer, a church goer... my life has been set aside for something great, not by man's standard, but by the Lords. i believe that with all my heart and the Lord reminded me of it.

God is speaking something huge to me. i'm just trying to figure it all out. until i do, i gotta sleep. the burrito i ate at lunch has come out in liquid form and i'm feeling very rough. of to bed i go. to dream of my wife, of Mojo, and a large vat of vanila pudding... hmmmm... pudddddiiinnngggg.... nite!

:what i learnt today:

2007-10-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

I need a car... and a licence

seriously.. without a car in this place makes me feel like i'm an alien. like i'm special, but in the negative way. people drive everywhere.. this place is huge. i had to skip lunch today because while everyone was driving to eat lunch, i was thinking... man.. i can't go anywhere. at least the hotel has a shuttle that brings me back and forth... it just sucks that i have a bit of feeling of trapped. if they conference people didn't have a session with free pizza i would've only had my breakfast... poor me. *sob* *sob*

People love free stuff WAY too much

during the wait to get in for the evening session, a man (or woman) in a cow suit was walking around throwing out free tshirts. now, these shirts were rather on the ugly side. in fact, i'm pretty sure that there was a reason they were being given out for free. regardless, people were screaming, LOUDLY, for these things.. it was a bit.. well.. one person saw the first shirt, then another, then people jumping on each other, then old grandmothers were getting elbowed in the face by crazed teens. that didn't happen... but it would've. i'm sure of it. all that drama for an ugly shirt. now if it was a DS, ipod, or Wii.. then i think there's would have been some deaths today. imagine the headline, "Grandma accidentally beaten to death over free Wii given out at Christian Leadership Conference..." hahah. (it's not that this is funny, but it's just that i'm typing while half sleeping and it seems funny to me now. i dont really want Gandmas to be killed. Grandmas should have curly hair and be attached to rocking chairs. and should smell funny. um.... yeah.)

I have ninja skills

i'm not kidding. i'm a serious ninja first class. these north American polite sissies have no clue how to elbow, cut, sneak past, pretend to know someone, look like staff like i do. between the 5 years at Hillsong Conferences, and 20 years in Hong Kong, i found myself able to get a seat in the front row or second row for every session. i'm a ninja. i've proved it again and again. Lines? i laugh in the face of your silly lines. *grin* nice.

I needed an inspiration jump start... bad

every session God has been speaking volumes to me. i long for the crazy preachers and deep entry in the word like at HIllsong, but these talks have been different. these are the lab days, so everything is geared to be all practical. most of the speakers are professors, so it wasn't like a sermon... but God did some serious inspiration in me.. but only while i sit on my sofa and consider that my imagination for ministry was running a little dry, i realised that i left after only one day, ready to go back. i really needed that. thanks Jesus.

BIG changes are coming up

i'm still praying, dissecting, and translating what the first day of the 6 sessions means for me. but after i seek the Lord, then my wife, i'll let you all know. but hear it here first that as the name of the conference is Catalyst, i'm asking the Lord that this is the catalyst that affects GODLY change in me, my life, my family, my ministry, my city, and my world. all for God. not just change. massive change. super size change. ludicrous change. you get it.

to give you a teaser of how my brain was blasted to mars and back, here's a question that is burning itself into my soul...

"What is your life going mean for God?" "woah", says Keanu.. "dude"

ok, i'm tired so i'm out. that's it. till tomorrow.

:what is a blessing?:

2007-10-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

over the last 10 days, i've really been stretched by God to understand the meaning for receiving. i've been thinking a LOT on this word.. blessing.

bless /blɛs/
–verb (used with object), blessed or blest, bless·ing.
1. to consecrate or sanctify by a religious rite; make or pronounce holy.
2. to request of God the bestowal of divine favor on: Bless this house.

so i guess for janice and i, we've been experiencing an amazing string of blessings.

i have a question for the one (or two) people who are still reading this blog... is a blessing from God still a blessing if you are expecting it?

i guess a blessing, no matter if you wanted it, or even asked for it, is still a blessing... but take a second to contemplate this... if you are EXPECTING a blessing from God, can it really be considered a blessing?

i think yes and no.

here's an example. for the life of me i was 101% sure that janice and i were going to get upgraded on our flight to YVR on Oasis. you know, pastor, from the vine, friend of John Snelgrove and Tom Read, THEY both had upgrades.. no worries, i'll get the upgrade. i was EXPECTING this very selfish blessing from God. when i get my ticket, not only was i NOT upgraded, i was stuck in the middle next to a smelly chinese man who wouldn't share the armrest. (i will MOSDEF blog about this later). so if God DID somehow give me that upgrade, would that really have been a blessing, or would that just have been me being arrogant with my god to deliver things for me just because i not only believe in him, but i'm a... dun dun daaah! a PASTOR.

yeah right. God showed me.

what about this example. i was expecting, as we have always had in each of our 3 trips to YVR, our own car. when we got off the plane, dad told us that the 20 yr old BMW has kicked the bucket, and it's really only good for scrap. now i pulled a hissy fit that would make any hill valley girl snap their finger in the z formation and say nuh huh sister, no you didn't! janice was like, "what's your problem?" i was like, we have no car!!!!!! we are stuck and dead in the water! panic! stress!

so here i was, more angry and tired because i was dirty and jet-lagged, i failed to see the hidden blessing that would come, which was that Kevin basically said he'll hang with us the whole time. i was thinking what a burden on him, but as the days went on it was awesome spending more time with my brother in law, and getting to know his heart. hearing his passion to see change in his local church. to reverse dunk over some pour soul and then draw comparisons to Kobe. to eat great, and sleep in. now THAT was a blessing.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

so i guess my attitude would be to pray for everything, yet not expect anything. because the moment i start thinking, yeah, I AM christian, I AM a believer.. so I DESERVE my flight upgrade?!?!? no way. but i say, Lord, i'd love an upgrade, but your will not mine. then if doesn't come, the so be it. you may laugh, but i think you'll find somewhere in your heart you do the same. something about a speck of dust versus the 4 * 4 tree stuck in your eye mofo.

the only time i'll ever believe that i deserve what i'm praying for is when it directly and completely results in the Lord receiving Glory and praise. things like praying for healing, for salvation, for provision, for comfort of the downcast... you know, the real Isaiah 61 stuff.

so this is where i am. living a dream, and really trying to understand this word.. blessing.

now, in my amazing hotel room in Atlanta, i'll try and meditate on this more in my own personal jacuzzi. (i wasn't expecting it so it's ok)

oh and for anyone who's still reading, i'll be updating every night here in Atlanta(my time), then i'll be updating something like twice a week from now on. blessing. and if you're wondering why no pictures, it's because i forgot to bring my cable to get the photos off my camera... so fotos later ok?) bie bie bie (N'sync style)

:what i've been missing in my life:

2007-09-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

i think everyone sees life from a different angle when they are on holiday.

so before i get anywhere let me apologise to everyone who thought that this site was dead. it's not, i'm back. woop woop.

so in the late afternoon on a beautiful fall sunday afternoon, Janice and i touched down on beautiful vancouver (YVR). in about 36 hours i've realised that God is an awesome God, and that i've been missing a few things in my life.

yes yes yes, Hong Kong is an amazing place. it has the fast pace, the gadgets, the constant buzz, the food, the people... but when you step away, even if it's only for a 36 hours... you begin to see how amazing perspective can be.

last night, we made Kev drive us our for a late night run to the super market. i got out of the car and just breathed in... cold, crisp, clean air, in a parking lot that had NO other people in it. it was very quiet. these things dont exist in hong kong.. other than the parking lots... (not open air ones anyways)

sure, i'm only sounding off less than 2 full days in, but it's just so refreshing. here are the other things that have blessed me...

i walked into a beautiful and famous cafe called Savory Island, for a fresh blueberry and strawberry pie. having a waitress smile at us, and mean it. people saying excuse me. going to a bookstore and enjoying it all without feeling like they want me to pay or leave. chilling in front of English language television. carpet. massive kitchen. daily sunsets to die for. great magazines.

so this will be a bit a "here's what i did during my holiday post", but at least i'm writing again. till tomorrow.

:the China udpate:

2007-07-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

i have never once said the phrase, "I have a heart for China." you want to know why? because i don't. it's really that simple. i don't work with youth either. there's my story.

so what was i doing staffing a camp for youth in China? because that's where the Lord is moving, and that's how He chose to use me.

coming here was a big sacrifice for me and Janice. It wasn't my heart to leave my wife in Hong Kong to lead 2 ministries while i'm gone. it was hard to not be in HK when 180 and SCP were going so well... i think the hardest thing was leaving home after we JUST moved into a new flat only days earlier. we still had things left unpacked and it was pretty crap of me to go, but i did everything i could before i left.

but now i'm on Day 15, including the start over at Gateway. 15 days is probably the longest mission trip of the almost 20 i've been on. even though the first 5 days were in HKG, i was still on missions mode, and really only saw my wife for a few minutes in that time. but let's get onto the camp.

The Sunshine in Your Heart Camp in Beijing was an amazing time for me to wake up to how big God really is. the major struggle besides from being away from my wife, was that i was unable to us any Christian language at all. i was not allowed to evangelize at all, and i was not able to really mention things of God for the of keeping the integrity of the camp. this was a leadership, cultural and English teaching camp. notice no 'Christian' in the title.

the the past 10 days have seen me really understand the limitations of myself. through my walk as a follower of christ i've come to try and learn from my mistakes or difficult situations. i'm still working on it, but learning humility, flexibility, patience, love, compassion, sacrifice.. these are all really difficult things to actually learn.

the camp itself was absolutely amazing. i honestly was suspect of the camp.. can these youth REALLY be able to reflect Jesus so passionately and so feverently, that in TEN days these local Beijing Youth will be able to receive salvation with OUT being able to evanglise? i found that i was very VERY wrong. the HK youth and the international youth were simple amazing. they came and just loved, did silly things, accepted and sacrificed themselves and their rights and just poured out the love of Christ. I shouldn't hav ebeen surprised that even on our last night, when all the programs were finished, that even their last team time farewell parties, were youth still secretly giving their hearts.

it's an amazing feeling, knowing that these youth are potential leaders of China. that the selection of these youth are rather intense so they are all going to be successful. but to know that many of these youth will walk away Christians, is so... i dunno.. words can't really express this.

needless to say the camp was stunning. that's a strange choice of a word, but it was. to see on one hand the quality and outcome of the youth, but on the other hand to see our leadership team and staff working together so well... now THAT was amazing. the staff included people from 180, from Argentina, from Brazil, from America... and we just gelled. i mean, it was a great team. of course we had problems, but the Lord saw us through it.

however, after of all of this, and after being where God is moving so powerfully, my heart is still not pointed towards mainland China. for me, this is a season to honour where the Lord is guiding my church. but my heart is simply to see young people reaching their God given potential. my vision is to build HIS kingdom and as of yet it hasn't been confined to just one country. So therefore i will stay where the Lord has planted me and continue to serve, until he has plans for me otherwise.

I feel in my spirit though, that this past 20 days was just a beginning to something a lot bigger in my and Janice's life. what that is we have no idea, but we know it's come.

Bring it.

:in preparation:

2007-05-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

i smiled, then laughed, then contemplated, then decided to blog this cartoon.

the worship series at one-eighty is consuming me in a good way. i'm happy that I was able to take a break from preparation from Ed and Fion's wedding last weekend, but this week has been all about getting the SCP started, and getting back on track for the one_eighty worship series. If you want to know more, click the picture below.

Worship is such a dangerous and delicate thing. do you agree? If you don't then no worries, if you do, my question is why?

I guess it's delicate because not matter what is said or thought or concluded, human emotions are volatile. There's no telling why we are the way we are. There is sometimes no explanation for why I can be smiling my face off, or huffing and puffing in male PMS...that's why I deem worship delicate, because due to our fickle nation, the outcome of worship depends sadly on the condition of that heart that is worshipping.

On the other hand, worship is a very dangerous thing. dangerous for the enemy, that is. adding on from my last point, the human emotion can change in an instant. Like I shared this past one_eighty, we can bring whatever struggles we have, whatever the enemy is laying at our feet.. Any and all of it... And through times of worship, and receiving from the Holy Spirit.. Our lives can be given hope, promise, strength...

I an unashamedly someone who loves to worship God. I'm talking lifestyle AND in communal times in a congregation. I love it. I sometimes live for it. It was worship that God used to first talk to me. and it was worship that eventually brought my pride to it's knees and allowed me to accept him.

That's why when we do the worship series it's not about learning songs... It's not about hearing a sermon.. I honestly think it's about breakthrough. It's about bringing people from wherever they are in their lives, and brining them closer to God.

Needless to say, one_eighty was great last Saturday. Great... What a word.. What does it really mean? It was great in how I define the word. There were something like 140 people at 180. We had some many people crying out to God... We've seen many people rededicate or commit to Jesus for the first time.it was great because so many people have already given feedback that already, one week into june... People are seeing the reason why God would bring them to Hong kong...

Great? Amazing is more like the word.

I look at the life that God has lay out before janice and I. it's crazy, and it's an amazing... Again, Janice and I have no idea what the future will hold for us. But in the meantime, it's been a ridiculous ride following the crazy plans that God has for myself, Janice, SCP, one_eighty, the Vine... I wonder what will happen next?

:What does one wear to meet Louie Giglio?:

2007-05-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

I think for over 3 years I’ve been watching Louie Giglio on 7:22. In many ways I look up to him because he’s done an amazing thing. He’s mobilized a huge number of college students through this massive ‘bible study’ as he calls it. Of course we cant forget his work with Passion, through basically managing David Crowder, Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman… and a bunch of others.. so with a man that’s basically one of the biggest Christan leaders for youth, and for Christian music, and an amazing speaker who I not only love but basically idolize…. There’s only one question that’s going through my mind right now…

What do I wear?

You must be thinking, man, Derek is REALLY shallow. But I’ve had a few weeks to get over the shell shock of actually being able to meet and chat with Matt Redman and Louie Giglio… you ask me 4 years ago when I watched 7:22 on my little screen in the old Vine Office with Mandy Lee.. if you asked me if I would’ve ever dreamed sitting down and ‘chatting’ with them? Yeah right… I would’ve been like.. YOU are crazy man... chi seen. But if were to let myself dream about it, I just can’t get my head around one thing…

What the heck do I wear?

Okokok, so clothes aside, so after meeting with most of the volunteers for friday's event, I found myself praying for Friday’s event, and then praying for salvations, and then I naturally started praying for the time I have with Louie. Then I kind of stopped myself.. what the heck am I doing? Praying for my conversation with Louie? What was I praying for? That Louie and I would be long lost buddies? That he would be like, WOW, you’re so great Derek! Where’ve you been all my life????

Isn’t that silly? People are needing to get saved, and I’m praying for a Christian superstar to get along well with me? Shallow indeed.

So I repented of such selfish thoughts, and I got back to praying for the concert and the 10s and possibly 100s of people that will receive Christ. I began to mull on this thought of Christian superstar… I mean, what does that mean? Is it right to hold someone on so high pedestal? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not seriously putting anyone on equal standing with God, but the fact that was so nervous about it, or so giddy about it really strikes a weird chord in my spirit. I mean, sure I want Louie to notice me, to know about one_eighty, to hear about my vision for SCP and uni students, to be wowed at how God is moving here in Asia… but who am I kidding? What is my heart here? To ‘show off’? puh-lease. there are seriously more important things in life than to sitdown with a guy i see on TV and try to blow my own horn...

So after all of these thoughts and these heart checks, I’ve laid the whole thing down. There’s nothing else to desire… I mean, what else could a young adults pastor from a small church in Hong Kong want more? A chance to rub elbows with the greatest worship leader/songwriter of our time, and one of the most awesomest preachers in the world today. I think that’s blessing enough. i KNOW it's blessing enough.

so i'll let you all know how it goes… until then, pray that I get wisdom on what to wear…. Just kidding.. no really, i'm kidding... well maybe… um…. Yeah… whatever. goodnight!

:the enemies response:

2007-04-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

after yNEEC, i was still in sermon mode and i got ready for my first ever preach on a Sunday morning. secretly, i've always wondered if i was ever going to speak on a Sunday morning at the Vine. i remember years ago hearing Andy G speak on Sunday mornings and think, man, he's awesome AND he's young! preaching at church was a surreal experience, as it was interesting preaching to the 'adults'. i went 100mph because i knew i had to cover a lot of ground, but for me it was a great exerpience. to be fair, speaking to over 100 youth in the UK that i had absolutely no relationship with prepared me to be able to speak anywhere in any situation....

this last week though has been a weird one. i've purposely not rostered myself for much this week, and i haven't taken on any new projects because i knew that i needed some time to recharge.

therein lies the problem.

if there's one thing i've learnt this week, it's that i can't take a break from being Christian... i dont mean that i went off the rails and turned to sin. what i mean is that i wasn't on the "I'm going to preach" mode. sadly, in my life there's a switch that i can flick that says ok, i'm in the zone... i'm reading the word, praying, focusing on Jesus... but there are times where i think... well, i'm not rostered for anything... i'll just take it easy.

if there's one thing you can always count on the enemy to do, it's kick you when you're down, and he'll always attack you when your guard is down.

i've always hated the notion that i've deserved anything in Christ. Do you know what i'm talking about? like me preaching at church, or running a great one_eighty, or me ministering at yNEEC is ANY REASON to sit back and say yeah God... i'm the man. the fact is, it really has very little to do with me, and everything to do with God...

that's what the Lord has been revealing to me day after day. it's really not about me, it's not about what i can do, not about my skills, it's about God. i just have to play a role. that role is to stay close to God... plain and simple.

this week i understood that no matter how many times i speak, no matter how many people come to the ministry i lead, no matter what in the world God gives me or uses me to do... i am but a man, and that my relationship my Lord is a rollercoaster at best.

and then it all comes back to a simple notion.

grace.

as happy as i can get, as high as i can climb with my God, or no matter how low i can fall, or how far i can run from my Lord, or no matter how many speaking engagements i take all over the world.... GRACE brings me back home... into the arms of Jesus... grace tells me that i'm not so successful that i'm above anyone or anything. graces tells me that i'm never too far from His love, but never too close that i can take it for granted.

grace. it's that simple.

so in the preparation of speaking this weekend in one_eighty (which i'm VERY excited about by the way... it feels like it's been forever since i've spoken at "home court") in preparation of that and for the upcoming Matt Redman & Luis Giglio visit.. and in the wake of speaking at the vine and yNEEC.... God hasn't actually said.. job well done, or you're my number one son.. or you're a great pastor, or wonderful speaker...

he has instead taught me another lesson on grace....

i entitled this entry as 'the enemies response', but after rereading my entry, i think it has very little to do with the king of lies, and everything to do with my Father who loves me beyond comprehension, and way too much to not miss this chance of using such an intense object lesson to bring clarity on a central aspect of our Lord's character.

anyways, time to turn the switch back on, or maybe it's time to get rid of the switch altogether.....

:Praise God:

2007-04-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, taking in all that went on over the last 6 days. All I can say is, my word.. God is amazing.

I'm in a complete daze because if you put everything together... the amazing opportunity to serve God in such a way, to have the possibility to minister to youth, to keynote a conference, the amazing hospitality of Matt & Karen, Vinny & Janice, and Vinny's parents, the amazing weather and amazing food... it has become a spiritual marker for my life.

since i've never been asked to keynote a conference before, i was very apprehensive at first. In fact, it took me weeks to actually say yes, as fear really prevented me from making the final decision. the only thing that made me actually agree was Mark sitting in front of me with Matt C on skype waiting for me to say either yes or no... going into this week, i went through weeks of preparation, doing hours of research, and going through constant battles with the Lord, the Enemy, and myself. in the end, it was actually Janice and that pulled me aside and said, you can prepare all you want, but in the end you need to let God move and you need to give him space to do so.

after that talk with janice, as well as a warning from Tom to not 'overprepare', i left what i did and just said to God, that's it... that's all i can do, the rest Lord, will be a move of your Spirit.

from the first talk i could tell that i connected with some of them. i'm not used to speaking to youth so seeing past their bored faces and their non-repsonses gave me tough skin. actually, my first 3 preaches at SNA/Flight852 made me ready for what i got during the conference. by the second talk i knew that the Lord was using me to speak to people as more and more youth came up to me and actually talked to me about what i shared.

the breaking point was Tuesday night. they scheduled our team to have a worship concert and they slotted a lot of time for our team to minster. i also had the most 'preachy' talk saved for that night. to be honest, i gave it everything i had. the atmosphere, the pumped up vibe, the lights and everything caused to me to give it just a little bit more than i usually did. i gave an altar call and so many youth raised their hands to receive Jesus into their hearts. over half the room made a commitment to the Lord. after a failed attempt at calling them forward we continued to worship, and then after a song, Tom called them again to not be afraid and to come out to receive prayer. then it seemed as though something broke, and then they started trickling, a few here and there... some youth crying.. then more.. then people started to pray for each other all over the room. for a moment, i took a step away and took a look out..... what i saw will stay with me my whole life.

as i looked i saw the whole room, either worshiping with all their heart, or in prayer. i saw all the leaders and councilors ministering to numerous youth. i saw tears of victory and received Love all over the room, i heard proclamations of reconciliation going out all over the room. It was then i felt that God had really used our team to impact these young people.

the last morning Janice and i conducted an commissioning service where we had our team anoint the youth with oil and send them back out to their schools and cities to reflect the Lord. At first many of the youth were taken out of their comfort zones. i guess i took my spiritual upbringing for granted, as i realised that many of the youth, and actually many of the leaders have never been anointed with oil before. there was a real wall that people had to break through. it was the same as the tuesday night conference. at first no one came up, and i was thinking Lord!!!!! what's going on??? how come no one is really wanting this anointing? but then i made another appeal and explained it in simple terms so that they would know what was happening. then one or two non-leaders came forward, then more, then all of a sudden we had a line up for anointing. then we had people returning to their seats and praying for each other. it was an amazing site. again, knowning that this was the last thing i would do for this conference, and not knowing if i'll ever be doing this again... i took a step back and enjoyed it.

looking back on the whole trip, i learned a lot about people, about my team, about being guests and about ministry. the best lessons that i learned may or may not come out here, but let's just say that in terms of ministry and building relationships with our brothers and sisters in the UK as well as our team.. this trip was a resouding sucess.

oh, and if you've read this far and want to know more, please leave a question in my comments thingy and in my next post i'll answer them all. thanks for taking the time and if you prayed for me thank you SO much, as the prayer last week was the difference, and there was definitetly times where we felt the supernatural lift that only comes with intercesion. again, thanks and blesings!

:before we fly:

2007-04-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

so tomorrow i'll be leaving with my amazing wife as well as with Tom and the vine band. This trip well have Jacinta Read, Mark Nam, Joshua Wong, Joe Chow, Chris Mellon, and Felix Szeto. We'll be going to minister at the yNEEC 2007, the youth side of a huge conference in North England. We'll be ministering to hundreds of youth who will be the next generation of Christian leaders. awesome.

to be honest, i'm completely been taken back by this whole thing. this is such an amazing blessing, to be asked to minister to hundreds of youth leaders in North England. i'm so amazed that God would ask me and Janice to minister, and would ask the Tom and Vine Band to lead worship... i mean.. who am i? who are we? i'm just a guy who's been ploughing away here in HK trying to build young adults who live unashamedly for Jesus. we're just a small church in a little nook off of China that's passionate about worshiping God and seeing His purposes fulfilled on this planet. what a CRAZY thing to be asked to do what we're doing.... God is simply crazy (in a good way), and i love it.

in light of flying away, i've decided to set up a website. take a looksie if you have a chance.

i've also recently starting taking drugs again. this time it's not in the form of pills and powder, it's called Facebook. i'm thoroughly addicted, but i'm glad that it's not rotting my brain or my wallet, only my productivity. take a gander, or add me if you haven't done so already.

so if you're a praying person, i'd love your prayers. prayers that Janice and I would be completely transparent, completely honest, completely humble. not trying to be anyone or anything, just being us. not seeking the reward, but the giver of the reward. to have a passion for these young people to be impacted by the LOVE of Christ. Pray also for Tom and the others to be able to usher these young people into a place where they can be completely changed for His glory. pray for passion, strength, compassion, energy, love, humility, and sensitivity.

pray that God moves. in us. through us. all around us.

here's my personal vision for this coming week:

Derek & Janice Vision for the yNEEC 07: “Captivated – 1cor1:8”
To inspire and equip every young person at the conference to move dramatically closer to God over the course of the week through newfound trust via intimacy, and to return to their schools with a sustainable passion to reflect Christ in every area of their lives.

and my own prayer.... will write back next week!

Lord. All i am absolutely amazed at your love and grace. please help me to honour you with this opportunity. help me to not be afraid. help me to not seek my own agenda, but to only follow what your heart is wanting. my i be nothing more than a reflection of you. i pray that this conference would be nothing short of a life-changing encounter with you and your love. Thank you lord for choosing this team to minister. please send your angels to protect myself, Janice, Tom, Jacinta, Mark, Joe, Joshua, Felix and Chris. May we be your servants, your warriors, your mirror and your instruments of Love.

Thank you Lord. You are simply amazing.

:by the Grace of God:

2007-03-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

ok ok ok, sorry i've taken so long to update, but at least posting about random stuff, like squid (sorry mark). i was watching a great movie yesterday with Janice and my family, and it touched me deep, like in a good way and a bad way.

the Pursuit of Happyness is a story about a life, redeemed, given a second chance... it was a story about a father who never gave up, who seized every opportunity, who embraced what LIFE gave him, yet was never defeated by it when he had every reason to. it was a story about how the balance between a life lived and a life lost is wavey, hard to define, and definitely dangerously thin and abstract in some places.

the Pursuit of Happyness story was a story that i felt like i was living, but it also made me absolutely afraid of the life i could've lived.

i'll post no spoilers here, so don't worry about the movie, just here my side, my fears, and my interpretations. there was a time in my life where i had no chances, no money, no college degree, no savings, and an expensive addiction to a certain drug. when i think back to those times, i realised how close i was to going off a deep end. most people think i already fell off that end a long time ago, but since then i've met and experienced people who've been addicted to much stronger drugs and i think that i still have more deep ends that i could've fallen off of. if it weren't for my family who reached out to me in my time of brokenness and desperation, coupled with a life changing encounter with the living God... if it weren't for these two things in my life, i wouldn't HAVE a life.

excuse me while i dive into a relm of self-reflection, but i'd like to point out that this is my blog and my thoughts. here i go.

without a degree, with no real skills, no connections and no desire to work.... what is there for me in a land like Hong Kong? it wasn't like this was a dream or anything.. i was there. albeit 7 years ago, it's still just like it was a yesterday when desperation was all i had, and i'm not talking about worship... i'm talking about having nothing, everything to fear, nothing to gain, afraid of what lay ahead, so afraid of a future that was quickly crumbling away that i couldn't even take first step. fear has gripped my life. fear... i hate it, but in the past i was too afraid to tackle it.

there was a part in the movie, which is also in the trailer by the way, where Will Smith's character spends the night locked in a bathroom because he had no where else to stay. too poor to rent anywhere, no friends that would take him. it was one of the harder parts of the movie, because it was so pointed, it was so... harsh.. but in many ways it was real. only the man wasn't a multimillion dollar actor with a happy ending.

secretly, i always feared that my life would be like this. that i would never make it in this world, that i would've failed at everything, and be some sort of bum. i never excelled in school, i flunked almost every course i took at uni, and i never really won anything... i was afraid.

but my story didn't end there, praise God....

the title of my post was 'by the Grace of God'. you know, in light of every failure i've had, and every failure i'll go through, in 2 weeks i'll be doing something that i've never dreamed that i would ever have been asked to do. i'm going to Wales, to speak to a select group of North England Chinese Youth, and i'm going to share MY life with them and inspire them to go as far as they possibly can with Jesus.

me? the drugged out, uni drop out? are you sure?

i guess so. you see, even saturday night, and every chance i get to speak anywhere i come face to face with the Grace of God, and i shake my head at Him every time. How can he take such a uni dropout, such a reject from the system, such a categorised failure... to bring HIS gospel, HIS word, HIS life to the future youth of a nation? that's why the Grace of God is so amazing. you may think i'm boasting or being prideful but really this post is about hos God can take anything and make it supernatural.

By God's Grace, i'll be in Wales in 2 weeks sharing my life and what God has done in me to hundreds of youth leaders. Just getting the invitation was cause to fall face down in worship and astonishment. i've gotten over the initial shock, and now i'm in full swing for preparation to be myself, and share my heart.

God, you are simply amazing. i've never dreamed that i'd be in this position, but now that i am help not get ahead of myself. keep my humble and grounded in you. help me be faithful to the call, not the reward, and help me only reflect you. Lord, i dont want to be a speaker, i want to be a passionate disciple, i just want to be your Son. thank you for this amazing opportunity, but know that i Glorify YOUR NAME and ONLY your name. Again, all glory to our King of Kings. let this trip be an offering to you. Thank you Lord.

:har har:

2007-03-05T06:16:00.000-08:00

i love this ad.....

:do i still have it?:

2007-02-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

so last week i was on the way to work, minding my own business. it was clock work as normal, on the ipod, in my own little world. got on the bus... clock work. i hit my stop outside the vine centre... time for work....

so i'm getting off the bus and this woman touches my shoulder.

"hello there, have we met before?"

oh, someone who's been to the vine. i smile and think she's gotta be from church...
"no, i dont think so. have you ever been to my church or one_eighty?"

"excuse me? church?"

what a second, if she's not even heard of the vine......... then....... is she........... PICKING ME UP? you've GOT to be kidding me... let me just make sure.

"its my church across the street over there on the second floor."

she kind of smiles and says, "Oh, no. i work over here in the Centre"

in this awkward moment i felt that she wanted to know my name and possibly have a chat. so i used my wedding band hand to wave at her in an obvious fashion and i said, "well i'm late for work (not true as i was actually early that day), good meeting you (which wasn't true either because we effectively did not meet)"

i quickly walked away thinking, wow, i was just incredibly rude to not even introduce myself to her... maybe we HAVE met once and it was a prime opportunity to share my testimony or the gospel with her.. at least i should've invited her to church...

.....

or maybe she saw the human specimen of muscle and beauty that i am and she just had to walk over and throw herself on me. AHHAHAHAAHHAAHHAA - YEAH BABY YEAH!!! DO I MAKE YOU RANDY BABY????

as i was walking up the escalator i was thinking... I STILL GOT IT BABY!!!!!! good thing Janice snatched up THIS HOT PIECE OF A$$!!!!! (then jesus rebuked me, and my inflating head was popped back to reality. i was standing in front of the mirrored door to the lift and the lord reminded me of my many imperfections, but at least for about 20 steps jesus let me indulge in myself.)

(man, i'm SUCH a lame-o, but it just makes me laugh at my own silliness when i think about this whole episode...)

:slam dunk for Jesus?:

2007-02-18T06:26:00.000-08:00

this morning i watched the NBA all star weekend small dunk competition. it was awesome. i think the true winner was dwight howard because he freaking dunked a ball and touched about 1 inch from the top of the backboard. that's REALLY high. what was hillarious was that he put a sticker on the board, i thought just to show how high he could actually put that things. it's really high. it was a funny sticker, as you can see above. and if you want to see the dunk you can click the picture above. click it soon because it'll be gone soon.

you could see the cheesy grin of the sticker on the TV. it was a funny moment. i noticed that it had writing on it, but there's no way i could've read it. it was probably his signature. do you want to know what he wrote on it?

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I just read an article from an ESPN writer... take a gander at it below.

Howard's sticker slam wins buzz but not contest

By Henry Abbott on ESPN.com (click here to read the article)

what an amazing testimony... God is so awesome. i love it when super-duper stars who make insane money, keep their faith, and use something like the NBA all star game in Las Vegas of all places, to proclaim the Sovereignty of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Dwight Howard, not only can you dunk like a master, but you preach it like pastor. (and i'm a lyrical assassin) Mr. Howard, I'm going to start praying for you brother. and as far as i'm concerned, you won the comp AND gave glory to God. bless you.

:excitement builds:

2007-02-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

sunday nights sermon has been eating at my spirit and mind all week. i'm speaking on Mark 2:1-12.
my revelation? i never needed to be given the strength to quit drugs or turn my own life or receive a miraculous healing. all i needed was my sins to be forgiven. all i needed was to be made whole by the Love of Jesus.

then i had the strength and wholeness to change. and change i did.

God is just so amazing. if you have a chance, please pray for me, and pray for Janice as well as she's working her tail off to get a paper finished today.

what people never realise is that forgiveness is the most powerful aspect of following Jesus. That forgiveness, exhibited by what Jesus Christ did on the cross, has more power than any drug, any weapon, any THING this world has to offer. that is what God has lay on my heart to share this sunday night, and to the whole world for the rest of my life.

i will never relent in sharing His message of grace and sacrificial love. never.

-amen.

oh.. and happy new year! like my design?

:God's Plans are H-U-G-E:

2007-02-14T03:28:00.000-08:00

Things happen. Things change.

So this year has seen the Lord open up amazing opportunities that I've never dreamed I would have. Starting from Jan 19th speaking at UTCCF in Toronto. That's been amazing because I've never been a guest speaker at any place like that. To hear Mike Lau's introduction for me was actually strange. I've never really been introduced to people whom never heard me before so it was strange. I listened to some of the talk and it's just crazy to hear the references. Not to the bible, but to my own life that I've lived since I've become Christian.

Let's take a step back here.

Let's just get it out there when I was kicked out of uni I was at the bottom of whatever well of despair I was in. I don't dwell here, as God has redeemed my life and taken me from that place, but let's just say that I wasn't thinking about sharing anything about my failures. Zoom forward about 6 years and here I am, in Toronto sharing with a bunch university students about how the bottom of that well was God's plan for my life. You can click here if you want to hear that talk.

Then when I get back to Hong Kong I get asked to share my testimony in China, to a group of over 100 young adults in Dong Guan. Are you kidding me? You want ME to share? Did you know how many pills of ecstasy a night I was popping just 7 years ago? Guess not.

Are you kidding me? You want ME to share? Did you know how many pills of ecstasy a night I was popping just 7 years ago? Guess not.

Sharing the gospel to about 120 hungry locals in Dong Guan, working professionals, was amazing. Tom, Jacinta and Mark did an amazing job leading worship, but when I got up to speak I was for the first second I was at a loss for words. Me? Preaching about Jesus in China? In a banquet? This is amazing! I shared with all my heart and gave a strong challenge to go to the fellowship that brought us out there. They provided about 20 bibles for free, and at the end of the night they had a LOT of names who wanted a bible because they've ran out. It was an amazing growing experience for me, and I trust that people really felt God touch them. I've never experienced my translator break down into tears. Mark thought it was because she felt that she did a bad job translating, I'm having faith that it was the holy spirit ministering to her. i'm pretty sure i'm right. I just got an email from our contact there and he was telling about more and more testimonies of what God is doing in the aftermath of the banquet. God is so amazing.

Mark thought it was because she felt that she did a bad job translating, I'm having faith that it was the holy spirit ministering to her. i'm pretty sure i'm right.

Then when we get back, the Vine Worship Band and I have been asked to go to England to lead worship and for me for to be the keynote speaker for a youth conference. This conference is for hundreds of Chinese youth in England.

Me? Are you sure you got the right person?

Last night at our leaders meeting we sprung a time of soaking in the presence of the Lord on our team. In that 45 minutes God rebuked my fear and he asked me this:

Who are they wanting to hear? They want to hear MY voice.

I was like woah God.. I was focusing too much on them wanting to hear ME, or having to rely on MY speaking... Once God corrected me I was completely refreshed and encouraged because a huge burden was taken off my shoulders.

Ok God, I'm ready. Bring it on.

:Reflections of the Canadian Way Pt 1:

2007-01-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

Now there's been loads of things that has happened, but I'll only touch on a few things here and there. I've found a powerjack at the Newwark terminal before the flight, so I thought that I'd take the spare time to update this webspace.

Torononto Airport Christan Fellowship (TACF)
So for the last 4 weeks Janice and I attended the TACF School of Ministry (SoM) School of Leaders (SoL). I know that's a mouthful of acronyms but that's the North American Way. TACF has had loads of bad press over the years due to their manifestations of the Holy Spirit. I've even read a website that has recorded some people speaking in tongues from that church and then playing backwards. They tried to prove that these manifestations are from the devil.

Idiots, all of them. But from the very first set of worship during the first day I school, I understood why there was so much anti-vibe.

Let me put in my disclaimer here first and most importantly. TACF and all their affiliate schools go great lengths to not 'force' the holy spirit to move. Not only did they provide a safe and comfortable atmosphere, the pastors explained the external workings of the holy spirit in detail. In scripture it is stated again and again that whenever people had encounters with God they were always afraid, why? Because typically you would die if you had a meeting with the Lord. I thought that was a great point. The pastor said, "It's amazing that they even lived!" ha. Furthermore, think of it like this, if the supernatural connects with the natural and then fully fills the natural vessel (ie. "come fill me Holy Spirit") wouldn't there be some sort of reaction?

Besides from the manifestations, janice and I have received some much needed and deep ministry. There have been times during the school where the lord just revealed some ugly things in my life that I needed to just repent of and let the spirit do surgery on my heart.

It was hard at some points, and I fought it at others, but in the end it was a life changing encounter while also having amazing ministry and encouragement.

one_eighty in Toronto
On Jan 19th, Janice and I were invited to the UofT Chinese Christian Fellowship (UTCCF). Since Mike Lau, an old 180er and one of my original SCPers, was president. I guess through the years I was most excited about speaking to university students and being able to team up with Mike and bless his ministry. Needless to say I was pretty pumped, but I was struggling with a few issues of pride, or fear, of 'works' mentality... But in the end I gave it my all and I believe that the Lord spoke through me. the most amazing thing was after I spoke, janice and i were praying for people and this one kid came to mic. he says, "i normally dont do this, but i felt God move in my heart to go minister to the homeless or anyone on Yong Street."

it was -25 C with windchill. i was like, you're crazy.

about 10 people responded to the call, and in the early evening, in freezing weather, a group of uni students went to share the love of Christ. it was awesome and nothing i could've said made that happen. it was all God.

after the meeting we went to eat and fellowship. it was great hearing the stories of the people, talking about one_eighty and HKG life, giving advice and praying for more people. i'll be blogging about this another time but it was the first time i was a guest speaker like that outside of HKG and it really was strange. all in all it was an amazing night and i have to pray to keep under the plans of Christ for our future.

pt 2 to come later...... stay tuned...

:destroying the box that i put God in:

2007-01-16T13:33:00.000-08:00

God is using Toronto Airport Church to turn my understanding of Him upside down, inside out, and basically giving revelation after revelation. woooooooooooooooah!

i'm convicted. it's a great thing.

the conviction is simple. i put God in a box. i've always tried to make sure that i never did that, but here i am, having God completely break out of a mould that i've placed him in. it's like over the years i've been christian i've had the attitude that "oh yeah, i know that. i'm ok in that, i know what there is to know about him" sigh...

amazingly arrogant. that's what i believe was revealed to me. it's pretty spectacular how God pains at His children being so prideful. it's like i've been strong because i've seen God move once or twice before and now that he's moving so freely, more than i've ever experienced before.. it's like blowing my mind. for shizzle.

in the almost 2 weeks i've been here i've been challenged to look into the heart of who i am in God, of what being His beloved Son really means. to understand grace... grace for ME and grace for those that follow me.

i have much to repent of when i return to Hong Kong before everyone at one_eighty.

anyways, i'm rambling, but i did want to ask anyone who still reads this site to pray for me. i'm going to speak this friday night (Toronto time) at University of Toronto Chinese Christian Fellowship. my heart is to share what God is doing in Hong Kong, to share my heart for university students as part of my testimony, and to encourage the students to live a life that fully reflects the true Jesus Christ. i dont want to be some crazy awesome speaker, i dont want to have to fill anyone's shoes, or be someone i'm not. all i want to do is share my story, and what God has lay on MY heart... basically, allow me to be humble, to only share what He wants me to share, and to stay within His perfect will. to not desire the platform He has given me, but to simply follow His will. i'm so thankful that Mike has given me the opportunity to share. my prayer is that something happens this friday that sparks young men and women to be so driven by the real redeeming love and grace of Jesus Christ that they are inspired and compelled to action. not because of me or my words, but because the Spirit has so moved in their Hearts and filled their lives that action must come forth. this is my heart. i pray that this message comes across loud and clear.

i've been digesting this notion that God would fly me around the world to receive ministry, but also to speak to His young people. i've always believed that i have a message for these people and that i would be doing this, yet when he called me to do so i immediately was filled with doubt.

doubt be gone in Jesus name.

this friday i will share my years of failure in university, and my revelations in finding Him, yet at the same time hating christians and hating that they have this grace from God. no one ever told me it was mine to have. no one ever told me i'm able to just receive it. isn't that so sad? that the one thing that christians are supposed to be known for is the one thing i never knew i could have for myself. and freely at that! i will share the story of only one christian showing love in a way that i could actually receive. Chrissy Cheung, you're an awesome vessel of the Lord.

sorry everyone, i'm preaching. i'll stop that.

anyways, life here in Toronto has been SO DIFFERENT from life in HK. i can't put a finger on it because there are so many differences, but let's just say that i'm loving spending so much time with Janice, and i love the fact that the Lord is revealing so many new things for me and in me. i'm struggling a little bit being away from one_eighty, the vine, family and basketball for so long, but this is growing and stretching for us, so it's all a great thing of God here. and so with that, i'm out.

:1000 stories:

2007-01-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

Hello there. It's been a while.

It's been forever and a day since I've updated here. So many things have happened in my life since my last post, I have at least 1000 stories that I can share. Some are sad, some are happy, some are just crazy, but I'm sitting in the bedroom of a person I've never met before yesterday, in a city I've never been to.

It's been a crazy ride to say the least. 2007 is in full swing.

Let's see, some people have been rather upset of my lack of posting, so let me update everyone. I have time today because Janice is working on her paper, and since I've a few hours to kill, I'm excited to finally get around to updating.

November and December were crazy months for me and Janice. Janice was going hard core for her masters course, full of exams, papers, presentations and meetings. It's been pretty crazy with my wife going to uni again, albeit a masters, it's still weird because she's totally in a whole separate world. Anyways, the months were crazy for me because of how one_eighty has been so challenging and stretching for as the leader. For nov-dec the true discipleship series, a series that came from my heart for everyone in one_eighty, was something that I've never done before. I spoke a whole series, 6 instalments, one after another. Since there was no significant drop off in numbers, and no one asking the pastors to fire me, I think went down well.

I look back at my growth and where God has taken myself, janice and my leadership team and it's just amazing to chart the progress and the victories.. There's been our fair share of tears, of failures and of disappointments, but the Lord has been so good, and so faithful.

So yeah... Basically I've been just going for it, and it's been amazing. But let me share where I am and why I'm here. Here is Toronto, Cananda. Why is because my pastors have sent us to receive ministry and training. We're going to be with Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship, the famous church of the Toronto blessing.

We've been here for a couple of day it's been very enjoyable. We're staying at a host family bed and breakfast, so we stay in house and every morning have an incredible spread, and milk in a bag (torontonians will understand). We've walked around the area, so we've already been to Tim Hortons twice, subway, the asian flea market... But tomorrow I'm super excited to see an NBA game. We're going downtown baby.

Time for reflection. Being away from HK, the Vine and one_eighty is very difficult for me. don't get me wrong, I love it, I love travelling and I love taking time off, but I always get weird when I leave HKG for extended periods of time. I've only really left twice, once when Janice and I got engaged, and a second for a much needed holiday. Both times we went to Vancouver and both times we stay for over 2 weeks.

Basically, it's fear. I have fears, totally unfounded but nevertheless there, that I'll miss out something. Of course I'll miss out on loads of stuff, but I take a look at myself and I realise I HATE missing out stuff. I love experiencing everything to the max... So missing out a month of church life, one_eighty stuff.. And life in general.. Well.. It's hard for me. of course, there's always the fear of returning to HK and everyone forgetting who janice and I are. I'm sure that'll never happen, right guys?

As much as I'm missing life in HKG, there's a LOT that God is doing here in Toronto. Over the last few years, especially after I started the summer college program, Toronto has been a major area that God has been moving in. The Lord has been brining some amazing people here from all over Toronto back to Hong Kong and so it's just an amazing part of God's plan that I can come here and see the fruit of the program in the people here. Last night I had bubble tea with a few of my key students from when we had our first SCP and it was crazy to see them all going for God and growing well. in two weeks I get to speak at Mike Lau's campus fellowship where I get to see the ministry that Mike has been leading. This is an exciting thing for me because I discipled him while he was in HK almost 3 years ago, then he came back last summer to be one of my leaders, and 6 months later I'm speaking at his fellowship. It's a strategic move as well, since Mike says at least a quarter of the people going to CCF will be going to HKG after they graduate. Since CCF has over 100 people attending, I'm sure this is the Lord plan to further call His servants back to China.

You know, sometimes you labour for the Lord in whatever capacity it may be... Serving, ministry, worship, leadership, greeting, prayer.. WhatEVER it is you do... But isn't it awesome to everyone now and then see some tangible and measurable fruit from that labour? I have and will always believe that one_eighty is a global impacting ministry. I believe it with all my heart, because I just KNOW that the Lord has called us to dream big and to never confine Him to a box, no matter how big that box is. So, being able to come almost exactly to the other side of the world, and to see what some one_eighty'ers are doing to impact their world for Christ... It really blesses and invigorates me to continue burning for Him. It's like this world trip God is saying to Janice and I.. "Keep Going, it's not in vain. You're making an impact. Keep Going". That's awesome. That I can have faith and confidence that when we send out people from HKG that they continue to run with God no matter where they are in the world. But I guess as the leader it's great to be able to see it with my eyes, or experience it for myself.

So anyways, here I sit... Jet lagged out of my head. It's like 6am here, and I've been wide awake since 5am.. Currently it's 7:39pm and I know the evening service for the Vine is packed solid with Rueben Morgan leading worship and Andy G bringing the word. God is good.

So I guess I'll be posting a few times while we're here in Tdot. If there's anyone who's read this far Janice and I would really appreciate your prayers. Prayers that God would really minister to us, speak fresh vision in our lives, encourage us, use us and eventually bring us back safely.

Oh, and if it means anything to you as a friend and reader of this blog, I really appreciate your love and support. thank you.

:creature of habit:

2006-10-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

i dont normally post this much but i have to give honour where it is due...

ok so if i like something, especially if it's food, i can eat it forever. i can repeat the same order, every day. and i do. every morning across the street from church is a bakery called Casa Patisserie, and it is spectacular. i think for 6 days a week i patron this store and eat and drink from their bakery. most of the time i get the exact same thing for $23, a sausage w/cheese bun, a tuna bun, and a cold blue mountain coffee. every morning. For about 2 years now.

but today, my breakfast world shattered when i found that Casa was closing down due to rent increases.

when i read the sign, my heart skipped a beat, and immediate darkness came on to my spirit. it wasn't as bad as when satan entered Judas's heart as he betray Jesus... but it's comparable. i was so sad that i stood there for a full minute.. unblinking, if i stayed any longer a tear would've crept out of the corner of my eye. feeling the wave of emotion looming, i deeply inhaled and took the courageous first step, and as bono sings, I just walked on.

as i crossed the street i looked back, as if Casa were already gone. like lovers, i tore myself away. images of piping hot bread and wonderful tuna dancing in my mind, i put my head down and ploughed on.

as i sat down at my desk this morning, the meal was bittersweet... a last breakfast. with a deep sigh i looked down at my tuna bread, still hot from coming out of the oven...

and in the corner was a 1 inch long bug, that was dead and baked into my bread. my next bite of tuna would've included wings and a bit of bug-head.

so all i have to say is, after 2 years of eating breakfast at Casa... is..

Good riddance you cheap shabby establishment! bugs in my breakfast? BLEAGH!!!!!! Kiss my buttocks Casa! GROSS!!!! i feel so dirty now! serious yuk!

:where God has taken me:

2006-10-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

just wanted to say thanks for everyone's encouragement. i wasn't fishing for it, but it definitely made the difference. it was an interesting week, but God is good, and i'm still doing what i do.

anyways, so while i was thinking all this stuff through, my mind was racing 100 miles a second so on the way to work a few days i watched the Who May Ascend Doco.. and at the end i was watching the credits... and i saw my name.

i've never done something that would require my name to be in the credits, but seeing my name on first percussion for the vine album really made me so.. i dunno.. blessed. i've been playing for years now, and i'm not really that technical, i just know how to bang the thing hard... and Tom asked me to play for the album? me? i was so blessed to do it, but in the whirlwind of making the album and all the practices i never had a chance to really soak it all up... but the other day, in the middle of a double decker bus.. i enjoyed the fact that the Lord has brought me so far...

i'm really not saying that in a "woah look at me" type of way.. but I AM saying this in a "i can't believe that i'm doing this" way.

now THIS is a small miracle. i've only recently been snapping away on my little ixus400.. and i've just really loved it. i then got a hand-me-down from my eldest bro, and i've really grown a love for taking photos. i've NEVER.. EVER in a gazi-billion eons ever thought i would be taking photos... and then when i saw this on the SAME bus ride.. it made me praise the Lord even more.

anyways, i had to plug the oneighty.hk update. i love the one_eighty website and mark nam has really done a great job. everyone thought that this site wouldn't be updated but mark and i knew that the way he built it, i'll be updating it every week.

and it looks awesome. thanks sparky ham!

:my so called life:

2006-10-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

this is who I am:

I am emotionally unstable. I am hypersensitive, but I'm also arrogant and prideful. I love to give correction but I hate to receive it. I'm a walking hypocrite most of time.

i'm offensive, pigheaded and sometimes I'm an extreme pessimist. Sometimes i'll not even try and see the good in you and wish you would not burden me with your troubles. I gossip, I even slander. I have no respect of boundaries, and I judge everyone I meet without fail or mercy.

I'm extremely competitive but I'm also a sore looser. I'm a master at appearing spiritual, while not even thinking of Jesus. I've walked the church block enough to know what to say and how to look. But believe me, I'm not the only one.

I swear, I lie, I lust, I sin. everyday i do these things. you think just because I lead a ministry I don't do these things. Sorry, here's the real painful truth. Who am I kidding? I'm not a trained pastor, I don't even carry a university degree. I couldn't even pass a calculus exam. In fact I was so high on drugs that couldn't even get off my couch to sit the exam.

this is who I am. This is the man that god has called to be a leader for a group of young men and women. I'm not pretending to be anything more or less than everything l've just written.

This is the complete and ugly truth. No frills, just honesty. Now let me ask you a question...

Would you commit to my ministry? Would you allow me to be your leader?

No? I don't blame you. There's the door, please don't slam it on the way out.

The only thing I promise as your leader are 2 things.
1) I will fail you
2) God will move in your life if you are willing.

:before I leave the tabernacle...:

2006-10-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

A one_eighty service is a little different from most other services. Similar, but different. You see, I guess over time I've really wanted a one_eighty service to be ear-marked by the Holy Spirit meeting lives and hearts, and absolutely changing them.

That's a hearty call... But it's not like it's me doing the changing.. I've only followed the leaders example before me who lead Saturday nights where I would sit.. Stunned at the end of sermon. Or I would be screaming my heart out during the ministry time. One or the other, without fail.

It is and will always be sweet to be at one_eighty on a Saturday night. I've been doing this every single week for about 6 years straight and almost every week I find that God always.. ALWAYS has something to say to me. This hasn't changed since I've taken over this ministry, but as the leader it blesses me whenever I witness the Holy Spirit moving. At the end of the night I look around and I can see people receiving prayer, crying out to God, on their knees in repentance, any and everything...

But that's inside the tabernacle.

Every night at one_eighty, especially if I speak and people have been receiving prayer, I always struggle to leave the tabernacle. The reason being is that I know that the blessing, the feeling, the euphoria of a room full of God moving in the lives of young adults.. Finishes when I push open that door.

Tony shared something last night at church that people tend to forget the sermon 72 hours later. For young adults, I wouldn't be surprised if by church the next morning they've (or we've) already forget who spoke about what... That's why.. I always struggle with leaving the tabernacle.

I always place my hand on the doors to push it open, and almost uncontrollably I stop because all these thoughts come rushing into my mind. I know that it's spiritual and emotionally draining to lead this group of people, I put my life on display for everyone that comes, as well as a full team of other people sacrificing every single week.. And almost not wanting to ever have it end.. I can't bring myself to end the moment of such intense intimacy with Jesus. I love it. I live for it. So naturally I don't want to walk away from it. Not that I don't think that the Holy Spirit will continue to work in their lives through the week... But I think you all know what I'm talking about.

But we cant stay in the bubble forever. There's a world outside of the tabernacle, outside of the church.. Yet ever week I sort of enjoy and extra 30 seconds of it, then I take a deep breath, double check my smile, regain my composure, then with one last look back on the empty tabernacle, I remember one thing that brings a smile to my face as I open the tabernacle doors and see to the hordes of people fellowshipping and getting food.

There's always next week.

:one_eighty website:

2006-10-10T04:14:00.000-07:00

edit :: i just made this.. you like?

So Mark Nam has completely revamped the one_eighty website. click below to check it out. I'm really proud of this site as it truely reflects our ministry and what GOD is doing here in Hong Kong. Check it NOW!

i'm also including this because many people around the world have asked for the one_eighty podcast. click below, follow the instructions.. and BAMN! one_eighty sermons on your itunes every week.

by the way. i will be updating very soon. with something more substantial. i promise.

:one year...:

2006-10-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

today i am 27. go me!

:pastor...:

2006-09-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

what does the word PASTOR mean to you?

i've been thinking a lot about this recently. Someone at oneighty heard me saying, "Please don't call me pastor, call me derek..." and now he calls pastor all the time. i think he's the only regular that has even joked like that... but it makes me think.

young in my faith, our church did not have any pastors, except a youth pastor, and a young adults pastor. For the first years of my Christian life i put these men up on pedestals, thinking and seeing that they were great men of God...

after some years passed, i grew to know my pastor's faults, but it was still easy to accept him as my spiritual leader. then leadership changed as that pastor left for the states. then the Vine commissioned two of their elders to be pastors.

then i became a pastor.

there are some days where i flinch whenever someone address me as pastor... ME? i'm thinking... i'm no pastor! it's pretty funny because there are some days where i have trouble believing i can actually hold the title of Christian, let alone anything half as spiritual as 'leader' or 'pastor'.

my call is simple. to inspire the English speaking young adults to fulfil their God-ordained destiny. To impact them to be closer to Jesus. To raise up future leaders who will in turn disciple the nations.

the walking out of that call... the execution is an entirely different thing, and simple it certainly is not.

i've had a long talk with one of my senior pastors about this, and being a pastor is about the call, the heart, the blessing of the congregation, and a commitment to follow biblical humility... the art of raising people around up (consider them better than i). i haven't gone to seminary, i haven't been dowsed with anointing oil from head to toe, i haven't travelled the world, wrote any books, performed any miracles, nor converted thousands... i'm not a big conference speaker.. i'm not even a little conference speaker... i'm not really dynamic, i'm a little on the predictable side... i'm not a looker, i'm just who i am.

and yet, here i am Lord.

there are times when i look out into oneighty, where i look out into a room full of young men and women who are earnestly seeking the Lord... and i just smile... because i know it's CERTAINLY not me that has brought these people here...

and yet, here they are.

anyways, some days i look at the mirror and i have to remind myself that i need to walk out the things that come out of my mouth. i look myself dead in the eye and i know the truth of my sins. i know the extent of my hypocrisy. i see the areas in my life that are shrouded in darkness... it's always at that point where i consider giving up, packing up shop, running away and hiding from God.. pulling the Moses in the dessert style of dealing with hard times. i may sound like i'm making light of this, but i'm entirely honest when my mind is screaming to my soul... "RUN AWAY NOW" somedays it's a feeling, somedays it's the only thing i can hear.

and then... almost like clockwork, every single week.. Jesus reminds me that it's about Him receiving Glory... it's not about me. He whispers my name. He fills my heart with His Love... and only recently have i felt that God, when He whispers to me with a voice that can only be heard by me... He calls me Pastor... and it rips my heart apart because i know that i have and never will earn it, but then it forces me to remember and receive His amazing, perfect, and never ending grace.

it is never about me. it's about Him.

Lord, i thank you so much for allowing me to be who i am... for blessing me, Janice and our role at one eighty. every week i'm amazed at your work in the people i lead, and it blesses me because i know that i have very little to do with that change. Keep me behind your Glory, keep me under your wing. Lord, i'm a weak and brittle man when i try to do this one my own, so help me boast in my weaknesses so that you can be Glorified.

and Glorified you will be. Through my life, through my family, through my ministry, through my weakness... through everything that i am and do, good and bad:

Be Glorified.

Thank you Lord.

-amen

:Who May Ascend?:

2006-09-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

Rock Edge Records are selling the CD's online. If you want to purchase one please visit them. (but check with me first because you may be getting on in the post already). click below for their site.

September 16th, 2006 - Who May Ascend? Album Release Party. Click any photo below for photos. amazing night.

:Global Lounge, HKU:

2006-09-14T01:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the Global Lounge of HKU, and I'm pretty impressed.

So this is janice second day of grad school, and I'm enjoying it with her. I came in to see what HKG's best U has to offer.

my my my, its not too shabby.

So the campus is on a hill, and was not with any sort of inclination towards representing a uni campus. it's like an urban planner was working late at night, and violently sneezed while drawing up the map, and then said, "Screw it, i'll go with this." So its a nightmare to get around. Being adventurous I walked through about 30 flights of stairs until I finally found the right building. I doubled back on myself 3 times in certain areas, was lost twice... what i thought was funny was i passed this booth for potential leadership training... i applied for this in college and i was turned down (bastards!) and here i was, 7 years later in another uni getting lost right in front of these 'leaders'. But anyways, FINALLY, here I am chilling in a nice lounge with a nice seat, free water and 7 tvs for me to watch and now I know it has wifi and powerpoints. Everything here is super cheap as well so this will now be my Monday arvo hang out.

Ok, "this-was-my-day" part over, let's talk feelings.

Over the past few weeks I've been real excited for janice. You see, I left my uni on a horrible note. I was basically expelled, due to an undying thrist for certain mind expanding drugs. So it has and will forever leave me with a scar. To be honest I now know I wasn't ready for that life. If I were to go now, I would be infinitely wiser, and i'll have something to prove... So it'll be MUCH different.

Anyways... So its weird to be back in a uni experience. Although it is worlds different from university of michigan... Its still a uni, which means there are certain things that are universal. With so many young people around I can't help but see ripe ground for Jesus to be lifted high, but at the same time I can see why uni people are one of the hardest demographics to reach...

Like I said, I wasn't ready to go to uni... I was too sheltered, too much of a baby to go.. But after 6 years of working, finding Christ, leading a ministry and most importantly getting married to an awesome woman... I look at uni and uni life with new eyes.

I don't know what god has for me in terms of finishing my degree and attending seminary... But I know what I secretly dream of...

So while I sit in a uni lounge, with a great vibe, surprisingly good music, and a comfortable seat... I sit and do what I excelled at when I was last a student... Drink coffee and people watch.

At least I can enjoy being a pseudo student for about 5 hours every monday.... And enjoy it I will!

:pictures of YVR:

2006-09-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

i've finally sorted and cut out fotos... click above to see my photos... so tired now...

:7 days in:

2006-09-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

[i wrote this on friday so it's a bit dated, but it was a good reflection of where i was over the weekend]

I'm in love with Jazz music all over again. Thanks to alison my bank of double bass and free-flowing piano solos has doubled, and I'm happy.

So in a few hours, I would've been back in HK, the Vine and oneighty for exactly one week. A week compared to my almost 6 years of being here is not really that much, but added on to 3 weeks of being in Canada, and it causes for reflection.

I've had a strange time coming back. Don't get me wrong, janice and I love HKG, love the Vine... But I'm in the middle of something like reverse-reverse culture shock.

I'm reading a book by Eugene H Peterson, the great man who wrote the Message Bible. He's an amazing pastor and has such insight into what being a pastor really is. when I read his book, I've felt that I'm just a masquerading young one compared to his experience and knowledge. Anyways, he has this exert that struck a cord in my spirit while on the toilet today:

after giving an amazingly uplifting of the pastor and of the church on a Sunday, Peterson gives this reflection of the other 6 days of the week...

But after the sun goes down on Sunday, the clarity diffuses. From Monday through Saturday, an unaccountably unruly people track mud through the holy places, leaving a mess. The order of worship gives way to the disorder of argument and doubt, bodies in pain and emotions in confusion, misbehaving children and misdirected parents. I don't know what I am doing half the time. I am interrupted. I am asked questions to which I have no answers. I am put in situations for which I am not adequate. I find myself attempting tasks for which I have neither aptitude nor inclination. The vision of myself as a pastor, so clear in the Lord's Day worship, is now blurred and distorted as it is reflected back from eyes of people who view me pawn to their egos. The affirmations I experience in Sunday greetings are now precarious in the slippery mud of put-down and fault-finding.

Ministry is ugly sometimes. In a place like the Vine and Hong Kong, 3 weeks is a literally a life-time. I've recently heard a story of someone being firmly planted into the central life of the church and is considered key.. All within 3 weeks? i've never met, seen or even heard of this person and now they're key? Crazy.

Anyways, so being back within 7 days has really opened my eyes to my role here. After reading a few chapters of this book I've been so blessed but also challenged. I'm a very emotion-orientated/driven person. Being away from my ministry and my church for so long has made me wonder how much am I really needed?

Needed is not the word. No one ministry should ever depend on one or two people. if it does, then it's not healthy. I think through this whole trip, God has spoken to my pride the most. It really isn't about me, and I got to see what that really looks like in reality. Who I am is not based on my title, my role, or my platform. Who I am is in Christ. Amen.

So here we are again. Janice and I return to a ministry we lead, and a church we call home. While it is my job, it is also a large portion of my life. There's been projects and plans made without us, and with that I'm so excited but also careful about how to re-insert back into this mad house we call the Vine. It's been an interesting week, but I hope and pray that we can find our feet again and just focus on what the Lord is calling us to do and be.

Ah.. Yes.. That would be nice. to follow the call.....

so i went to the DB soft launch and it was amazing. took loads of photos, and i guess here's the best of the bunch. click the photo to enjoy.

:death by krispy kreme:

2006-08-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

i hate krispy kreme now.... props to Matt Cook for having 10 in a row.. i'm not talking just plain glazed.. he had the choco's, the ones with fillings.. it was gross... he's the guy next to me on my left.. he's crazy...

:goodbye canada!:

2006-08-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

it was amazing, but it's time to leave you. thanks for all the good times, great food and wonderful memories!

Hong Kong, here we come!

:forgotten pastors:

2006-08-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

we've been gone for almost 20 days. do you remember us? We're Derek and Janice.. leaders & pastors of 180? members of the Vine?

there's a phenomenon when people come to Hong Kong. they are loved and welcomed and accepted so fast, that sometimes people are amazed at how amazing this city is. people find that they can have a new home in HK so fast.. then they sucked into the culture of the city and of the Vine that's it impacts their live... sometimes so much so that people leave HK never to find that sort of acceptance and love anywhere else...

it's amazing isn't it? but you know, the opposite is true.

people can be forgotten. dropped, like a bad habit. one week, it's I LOVE YOU MAN! the next WEEK, it's yeah, it was fun, but they're gone...

Janice and i will have been gone for 3 weeks, and it really feels as though i've left the country never to return. already, there are new people in Vine and oneighty who are going to be like.. "who're these two" when janice and i show up at church this weekend.

since this is my personal blogspace, i'm going to be narcissistic and just vent. i miss home. HK is an amazing city, the Vine is an amazing Church, and oneighty is an amazing ministry. what is it about these 3 things that have impacted my life so much? so much so that janice and i are yearning for a Vine/oneighty service... we miss the people, i deeply miss the worship, i miss my home, i miss Killer, i miss Causeway Bay, i miss the Vine Centre...

don't get me wrong. life here is amazing. the church that we've visited, Janice's old church called Lord's Grace Church (LGC), has opened their arms to us and have really taken us in... but it's different. the city, is amazingly chill. great FOOD! the sun stays up till like 9pm.. we've alfresco dining, beaching, chilling.. and it's been amazing... the vibe is awesome here too. people out BBQing, but still home early... i've enjoyed the culture and i've been recharging...

but it's not real. it's holiday.

so, with just a few days left, i'm going to enjoy this place with all my heart, recharge more, stuff my face with great but $$$ food, hang out with my family here, keep joyriding as a janice's number one passenger... but come friday night.. janice and i will return home.

home. what a strange notion... home.... i miss it. to anyone who's forgotten about who we are... WE COMING HOME SOON!!!!!

:In the eyes of pain:

2006-08-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

There are many differences between the church here called LGC and the Vine back home, but currently LGC is going throuhg something very difficult that I truely respect every member for, and for their Pastor Ted. There is a member of their congregation who is currently in the hospital fighting for his life. His name is Roy, and while I've never met him, nor have I even heard of him before, I've admired and respected that the whole church is standing by him & praying for him.

It's never easy to accept these situations, because our whole lives we're fed that God is good, fair, lover of our souls... All these things, but there's just so many conflicting feelings and thoughts when "Bad things happen to Good people"....

I don't know the details, but if you're reading this please pray for Roy. Pray for healing and pray that his family is comforted. Please also pray for 'Lord Grace Church' (LGC) to be able to continue to trust in the Lord and find strength in these difficult times.

Lord, while I wont even try to understand why, I pray for healing for Roy, comfort for his family, and strength for LGC. Lord, as your word has shown, and your promises ring, have mercy.

while it's difficult to hear that a brother is in the hospital, i do pray that through this whole situation, your truth and your love still shines through. i pray Lord that through this whole episode you bring this whole church closer to you, and closer to each other.

-amen.

:one week in:

2006-08-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

so we've been here in Vancouver for just over a week, and time has really slowed down. maybe it's due to the absolute opposite in lifestyle, maybe it's due to me not having to work out here, maybe it's due to not really being plugged into a church... but whatever the case, I feel like I've been here for a month already, and it's a good thing.

I've done many things here with janice, but one of the most eye-opening and thought provoking is that I attended Janice's old church summer conference. it was intense in the fact that I've only ever really experienced 2 churches in my life, The Vine and Hillsong. that's it really. I've come to realise that The Vine is one of the craziest, passionate, driven churches out there... another thing I've come to know is that...well..

not every church is like that.

while Canada has an amazing lifestyle, amazing weather, amazing food... spiritually, from what I've been experiencing, is something that I can't sum up any easier than: comfortable. it's not a bad thing, and I don't look down on anyone here, but I've come to know that how one 'follows Christ' is interpreted differently out here.

for me, there was a time in my life where Christ was all I had. overcoming a drug addiction, expelled from university, being torn away from all my friends in the states all lead to me eventually opening up my heart to receive Jesus, and then actually depending on Him for new life. the life that He so boldly proclaims was mine to have in the bible once receiving Him. out here, the people I've met here, the CHINESE people, don't do that. they have great families, go to school, get a good degree, and then get a great job... there's really no need to depend on Christ... what for? they have everything they need! they present-day equivalent to the white picket fence style of life.

I mean, that's why some families move out here. to get away from the stress that a city like Hong Kong imposes on you. sometimes people DON'T want to rub shoulders with people who are demanding, with social outcasts, with 'needy' people. to me, that's the life that I love... I look at oneighty and the Vine and I know that we're just full of that type... of course, I have a bit of prejudice because I was, and I'm still one of them.

I'm not saying that there's no fire here in Vancouver. I'm not saying that there's any cutting edge spirit filled churches out here. I've only seen people from 3 churches here in Vancouver, all of them predominantly Chinese... and in all of them there's such an uphill battle that none of them really see or understand because this is their culture. this is how it is.

it's comfort.

I never knew just how amazingly powerful the effect of comfort can be. you see, so many people I've come to love and call family over the last 6 years have anything but comfort. I guess that's because I've never really known comfort, it's been a slap in fact just how much comfort can impact someone spiritually. I would say that it can be summed up like this:

I'm used to sayings like, "Even though everything is not alright, it is Christ who defines me and through Him I will overcome, through Him I will conquer!" what I've been kind of hearing over here is, "Everything is going great, I've bought that new flat, I've got a great job, and it's just great. Oh, and I'm christian as well."

when there's comfort to the extreme, when everything is dandy... is there really a need for Christ? the wife, the job, the new apartment, the car... if all of these things are there and are not in jeopardy, then what IS the need for Christ.

I woke up this morning asking myself just that question. I need Christ because I'm on a mission with my wife to change the world through the young adults in Hong Kong. Plain and simple. when you undertake a mission like that, you NEED the power of the risen Christ otherwise it'll never come to pass. I have a over-arching life goal to have a world-impacting discipleship ministry. in that light, I can't settle for a 9-5 and then have christ added on to the end of my week on the sunday...

it says in the bible that the only way i'll GAIN my life, is to LOSE it for the Gospel, otherwise i'll be hanging on to it too much, and Jesus says i'll lose it.

I'm loving my time here to recharge, to regain passion, to love what God has given me and Janice in Hong Kong. only by spending time away can all the blessings of Hong Kong be truly appreciated. So as I'm in my 2nd week, I look forward to spending more time here expanding my spiritual horizon, and my ever-growing waistline... but I do so with the utmost joy of knowing that Christ is anything but an option, anything but an add-on to my or Janice's life.

He IS our life.

:Salso Machado:

2006-08-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

i was at the Vancouver Festival and it had a free concert on the steps of the Art Gallery. it was amazing, as they had a big band for an hour, and then they had a brazilian.. and his trio was amazing. take a look.

:i'm a youtuber:

2006-08-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

alright, let me explain. so we're in canada. janice and i went to a Richmond (seriously more hong kong than.. well.. hong kong) night market. think Ladies Market only much nicer, 2-3 times more expensive, and less white people. they had a stage where they had dubious talent that entertained the passer byes until they had the real acts around 8pm. when we got there, we saw THIS... a chinese man with a heavy chinese accent singing and dancing to billie jean... it was as embarrassing to listen as it was to watch... some of his moves were good, some were REALLY bad.. i had to youtube it. watch it till the end to hear his singing voice & accent. you gotta love Richmond Chinese MJ wannabees...

check it.

:SCP 2006:

2006-08-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

Every summer for the last 3 years, i've run a program called the Summer College Program, SCP. it's a program that is very close to my heart, as university was where i failed in life, where i became addicted to drugs, where i lost my chance at graduating from a great school... it's where i fell.

it's also where i saw some of my friends who claim to be Christian, take advantage of girls, and party harder than most... it was a place where i saw drunk and high people inviting me to their Friday night fellowship, or their Sunday morning church service.

hypocrites, losers, fake people, idiots. that's what i thought about Christians back then.

most of it was jealousy, but it was warranted. after 3.5 years, i had nothing to show for my tens of thousands of US dollars of education, i was asked to leave the school, i was about 20 thousand USD in debt, i was addicted to ecstasy, and i had to return to HKG. it was a blessing to do so because it eventually forced me to meet with God through the Vine, but i always remembered my university years, and i always asked God.. why did you allow me to go through all of that? why was it so hard for me?

now i know the answer.

With such a strong burden to see university students truly walking out a contagious relationship with Jesus Christ, i began the program 3 years ago. it was a humble beginning, as i had no idea how many would turn up or what exactly we were going to do. our first meeting 3 years ago had 20 people, most of which i had no idea where they came from or how they found out about the program. cut forward 3 years, and we just finish our last meeting for 2006... i looked out at the last song, to over 70 students crying out to God, for a passion for the next year, to live for Him, to see their friends saved, to see unity in the school, to see their city and nation turning to God.. it was an amazing sight to see, it was an amazing feeling to experience.

the question is and will always be... what IF just one of the students goes on to spark revival? what if they are key in moving the people to Jesus? imagine that! i clearly had it in my head that from what i was doing in the vine centre on a Wednesday night, would impact the nations.

USA, Canada, UK, Australia, New Zealand, China and Hong Kong were all prayed for. in room we had over 40 different universities. in one room, about 62 out of the 70 would leave HKG and be sent out. what an amazing opportunity to send out passionate young people.

this years SCP has finished. i was very sad last night, more so than other years. i've really poured my heart in 180 and SCP, but the difference is that 180 we grow together. with SCP, we grow intensely for about 10 weeks, and then most of these kids I'll never see again. some of the students impacted me, and i'm blessed to have impacted them.

my leadership team this year was also very special to me. people i have grown to trust, people i've grown to understand and do battle with. they are different to my 180 team, but no less skilled, no less talented...

so with a heavy heart i looked back at the room where so many souls would BURN for Jesus.. as i looked the door, last one to leave.. i remembered again the reason why i do what i do for these students... and with that.. i closed the door on SCP 2006.

Heavenly Father, please protect them all. i pray that every single person who attended SCP would be strengthen and able to do all the things you put in their heart to do. some of them have asked for their whole campus to know you, i pray that you give them the strength and resolve to do so. keep them Lord, and walk closely with them. I thank you for using someone like me to be able to Minster to so many students, but Lord, i pray that each one of the will have victory back at their schools. i pray for a harvest. i pray for a contagious fire to spread through the world. i pray that your name is lifted higher than anything else. i pray that you God will shine. use them all, in a mighty and powerful way.

I thank you Lord for bringing so many students into our program... but now Lord... send them out. Leave these 99 so that the ones can be brought back to you. I pray that from this group of people, you will change the world for Your Name.

In your precious and powerful name.

-amen

:my childhood...:

2006-07-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

Janice and I braved the daunting streets of causeway bay and did something adventurous. You see, all over the streets are loads of buildings and shops but what we never really do is visit the shops and café/restaurants INSIDE the buildings. They're sometimes called "si fong choy", as there are some amazingly expensive and snazzy places that are in places the size of a flat. But there loads of gimmick shops because the rent is cheaper if you're off street level.

Where am I going with this? Patience my friend.

Well, janice and I ventured behind the Krispy Kreme about-to-finished spot, and we found a place called, "Small Potatoe - Your living room". We were like, ok, we're tired of walking around, let's check it out.

We took the rustic lift and we went to this cute hole in the wall, found a sofa and sat down. First impression is, well.. Cheap, small, but cozy. Had some nice sofas, and a few small tables. What was pretty cool was that each table had a small screen on it with some TV to watch. Pretty cool. My eyes took in the room, and voila, to the far left was a fooseball table. MAJOR bonus points. And free to use as well. here's a couple bad picks.

The table was in good shape, so I was happy about that. Janice beat me once, but I won the best of 3 series. Boys still rule as far as I can say.

When we sat down I looked at the TV and noticed that attached to my TV was an xbox. Sweeeeeeet. I looked around the other TVs and I noticed that connected to every TV was a TV game systems. They had 2 PS2s, xbox, gamecube.. But the gem of the whole bunch was they had a SNES, a supernintendo. Man.. I haven't seen one working in like.. .10 years? Here's a couple pics..

So this place had basically everything that I had growing up, in terms of TV games... It had other old school chinese board games.. The plane games... Man... It was great.

Ok so the point is this. Every now and then we need to be transported back to our childhood. It's nostalgic bliss to close your eyes and remember things of days gone bye. It wasn't like I just sitting there drooling and not saying anything.. But it was really nice to just remember thoughts that I had apparently forgotten. Anyways, this place made me think.. And I it was a great experience... And I got to play fooseball with my wife? I love IT!

ofcourse... the icing on the top, was that they had a little box of models... and then in the box, they had about 5 transformers. i'm talking REAL transformers...

since i'm sworn to secrecy as a 'friend of Krispy Kreme', i didn't tell anyone.. Joe and Linnet are not real friends because they didn't keep the secret. anyways, i give in, since it's raining, i'm STILL going to go...

:Ephraim, Brooke & Krispy Kreme:

2006-07-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

note to self. never post heart wrenching personal thoughts and uber honest reflections and then throw in pictures of krispy kreme.

speaking of which, i am now a FRIEND of Krispy Kreme... They call me FRIEND! woohoo!!!!

click on the above picture and YOU can be Krispy Kreme friend TOO! i'm thinking of relocating 180 to attend the opening. get dressed up as different doughnuts.. could be SO MUCH FUN.. could be REALLY gay.... i'm willing to take that chance....

anyways, here are some pictures from Ephraim and Brooke's wedding. click below and enjoy my crap photos.

:turned 180:

2006-07-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

someone recently asked me what most loved about oneighty.

i couldn't readily answer him because i've never made a top 5 list... in fact, i NEVER make top 5 lists of anything. maybe it's fear of putting things in little boxes and say 'this is what i think', or maybe it's because i'm decidely fickle with things like top 5 lists.

high fidelity has just made me reconsider.

regardless of order, or what the other 4 were, one of my top 5 things was something that i cherish as a leader in this ministry.

Transformed lives. doing a 180. changing. for God.

well, i dont say it's because of 180 did i become the christian i have become. it was due to the love of Jesus, the Vine, but my friends and closest relationships as a christian, and my marriage, have all really come out of this ministry. my own personal change was due to finding a cause to live for, the cause of Jesus Christ, yet this was translated every week in the fellowship/outreach of 180. one eighty. one_eighty. oneighty. let's take a break and look at my next failure to trim down

well.. that's all fine and dandy, but was it just me? not at all. recently, i've been praying with someone who is kicking a serious weed addiction, the type that causes your life to surround around smoking "The Pot". i've been there, only with E... i've recently prayed with another person who has had a life of relationship angst, only to find release in Christ, never knowning that Jesus had such power or love to care about his problems... and then there's another person with professional burnout, almost wanting to turn on the industy, yet after time in oneighty, she's decided that God has ordained her to be the lone missionary and go for it. these are all transformed lives and it's individual stories like this that make what i do worthwhile.

but what about lives that aren't changed? what about people who've been coming to oneighty and the vine for months, for years, and never change?

i was thinking about this as i typed the first half of this post and i have answer. it's not that i shun these people, or look down on them because change is subjective. change must happen from the inside out and when it does, who's to say that anything has happened? of course over time you can always tell by the fruit, but WHILE the change is happening nothing can done or gauged.

i am leading a ministry where if i have a microphone or not i want to inspire a God-directed change. a self-inflicted desire to strip away things that they KNOW God does not want of them, and then to take on the life of Jesus as their own. at the same time, i must be undergoing the change as well, otherwise it's all just a bunch of fluff.

anyways, there is no conclusion, dare i say there's not even a point to this post, but i have to admit to all that sometimes there is no conclusion to ministry. there is a point, but sometimes that 'point' is far off in the clouds. that's sometimes where i am, not in the clouds, but stuck in this inbetween... i am changing, we are changing, yet we are not fully changed, yet we are not the same person we were? that's confusing.

speaking of changed lives... just wanted to end with some pictures of the Ephraim and Brooke wedding... it was fun to say the least.

:Lord, who am I?"

2006-07-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

i was talking with a friend a few days ago and she made me think. that is enough right there to get me blogging.

the revelation is this... i am actually no one. i am a failed uni student. i'm actually a failed student of life, succumbing to drug problems, getting 'removed' from school, going into debt... but then i became christian, and in Christ i became someone.

or did i?

no matter what success i have as a leader in the Church, no matter how well oneighty does, no matter how many packed services we have, or how many people come to know the Lord.. there are days where i know that... i'm no one. i'm nothing.

yes, i preach, i'm in a pastoral role, yes i run a ministry... but people just dont understand that i am no one. i would say 9 out of every 10 people i lead are more qualified, more able, more... everything... in capacity to do what i do. i struggle with sin just as much or even more than the next person.

dirty, no one, failed, lair, fake, alone... that i am. so then i preach a sermon about breakthrough... spit, scream, sweat and cry to inspire people around me to get closer to God...

but where am i? where is MY God?

Do you know why i love this photo i took while on the star ferry? it's a rope, but ripped apart and frayed on the end. i feel sometimes this is me. sometimes i'm a strong unbreakable force that holds a vessel full of people.. keeping it grounded to the Rock. sometimes.. i feel like a broken, frayed string that has no use except for cheap-ass tourists from otherworlds to take photos of... bad photos at that...

this is normal. just a few days ago i spoke to one person about having breakthrough.. and here i am, needing yet another one just to get through the day. another day i spoke to someone about not comparing her relationship with Jesus to anyone else, otherwise it'll breed jealousy & judgement.. yet here i am, almost doing the same. hmph.

one thing i said in my very own talk was that i'm am tired of putting Jesus anywhere else on my list of priorities other than first.. the top, because it sucks, it's a waste of Jesus' sacrifice and it's a waste of my life, it has lead to years of hypocrisy and it's time to stop. and so here i am, listening to my own sermon, waiting for the Lord to come and rip away the old, and bring in the new.

another thing i said is that breakthrough is not for the person to your left or you right, not for anyone else but YOU... but ME. yet here i am, looking for everyone else breakthrough, yet putting my own on the backburner.

this is burden that a speaker must carry. to walk out life, to walk out the sermon.

so here i am. sometimes a rope to the Rock, and sometimes the torn end of a useless string. last night i made my peace with God. He not only heard me, but he reminded me that my life is not mine, but HIS. ultimately that means much more to me, because it shows me that in light of all that i am not, HE still loves me beyond my understanding.

breakthrough? i think i'm actually at this very second still undergoing that breaking-through. that the Lord for Grace & Love....

I have never, and i promise to never, portray an image of myself that's beyond the truth of that i am a sinner. nothing more, nothing less. Lord, your will amazes me in the fact that you would choose me, my family, my ministry, and my church to move in and through. while your movement is not exclusive to these factors, it's still wonders me that you would partner with me. Lord, help me to see my life, who I am, through your eyes... with eyes of love, of compassion, of grace, and forgiveness.. and only then allow me to minister. out of brokeness and harsh truth, it is only in You have i an identity.

who am I Lord? i am your Son, your Heir, your Beloved, your Chosen, your Forgiven... I am your Life.

now help me walk in all those things today... as long as it is today..."

if you want to hear my last talk that i gave at thirst please click here, and know that i have NEVER been so reved up before in my life... what do you think?

:amazing:

2006-06-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

when was the last time you said, "i've never done that before in my life, but..." last night, i was able to say that.

i lead a ministry that is growing, and i've lead 4 missions trips, while going on over 10 trips in my short life as a christian. in all of these things, i've lead people to respond to my call with a microphone in my hands, a band behind me, a stage and lights. sometimes it's one person, and sometimes it's hundreds of people like it was in the Philippines. but when was it one on one? without the stage, mic, band.. when was it just you a couple other people? ............ for me, i dont even remember the last time.. or if there WAS a time...

i run a program that is so close to my heart. it's called the Summer College Program, along with my wife, and a few loyal leaders, such as mark nam, alison.. in fact, my whole SCP leaders team... it's an amazing program. this year though, because i'm years removed from college, we all agreed that this year would be the year i wouldn't lead any small groups, but i would just vision cast. last night, 4 of my leaders couldn't make it, so i had to step in.

so even when we started last night, i felt excited. SCP is always exciting, as we never know who is going to turn up, how many new people.. it's like 180, but toned down a little. we split up into small groups and i had a cute little group of young, budding uni students that ranged from the hawaii, to toronto, to london, to hong kong (another amazing aspect of SCP)... i've never met a few of them, but after sharing i felt that i could pry, get into their lives a little bit.

as i'm preparing my sermon for tomorrow night, and the topic is called "Breakthrough NOW!", i was actually in the mode to see every single person i came into contact have breakthrough. it was borderline arrogance how i confident i was, because i was overly confident in the ability of God's love... of His Spirit. i know that the majority of almost 50 people at SCP was not living the full life that God has for them.. they just needed.. well.. breakthrough. so in the middle of the talk, i chuck away the study guide, and in essence all the small group training i've ever recieved, and i made each person in my group answer this question...

"IF THIS summer, was THE summer where God is calling you personally because he wanted to absolutely change YOUR life and grow you into the man or woman that you know He wants you to be... would you recieve it?"

a few murmured yeses around the room...

"THEN, what is stopping you all from seeking that change, in THIS country, in THIS summer, in THIS program?"

well.. after a little discussion, the answer was really simple when you weigh the possible benefits of those things being possibly true. the answer is nothing. absolutely nothing. and i wasn't going to let anything of these kids tell me otherwise. this is my saviour, my king, my GOD that they were doubting. i hammered it home.

breakthrough.

i could see it. it was on their faces. some people were starring off into space, not because they were bored, but because God had just spoken to them. and then i went back to the girl in our group that wasn't a christian.

"How about you, do you believe that this is true for you to?"

(this is where i didn't listen to any of the trainings on not putting people on the spot, leaving people in their comfort zone..)

"yes" she said.

(taking a quick breath, i asked with a dead-straight face, and as warm a smile i could muster without giving away my 100 mph beating heart) "would you like to become christian now?"

".......Yes"

excuse me!?!? what?!?! haha.. i almost wanted to say all those things, but i calmly explained to her the prayer of salvation, what it is, and that we'll do it together with the other people in the group. everyone in the group became giddy.. and right there and then we said the sinners prayer together.. we prayed and then we ended the small group.

amazing.

in the lift i was on a bit of a high, a holy spirit buzz. stepping out of the lift i saw the lounge filling up, and then i noticed this guy on his own. talking to him i noticed to referred to the group as though he wasn't really part of it. "they shared some good stuff, or THEIR stories touched me..." and then it became clear...

"are you christian?"

"no actually..."

(we talked a little more.. and seriously... since i was on a role, why not?)

"have you ever wanted to become christian?"

"yeah.. i have"

"has anyone ever asked you"

"nah"

"how about right now, would you like to become christian?"

"ummm.. yeah, yeah.. i do"

so.. i ran over to the friend that brought him and said.. that friend you brought? he wants to become christian, would you come with me to pray for him? him mouth dropped to the ground and then in the tabernacle we prayed the sinners prayer.

break out the non-alcoholic beers in heaven. the heavenly host must be going crazy!

i have never done that before. never asked someone in a small group if they wanted to receive christ.. i've never asked someone in the hangout time after a program if they wanted to receive christ... even in 180, i've never asked someone to receive christ AFTER the program, yet i'm thinking that the reason why i've never experienced what i did last night, was because i've never asked.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that in no way was it to do with anything i did. there was no sermon, nothing on my part.. all i did was just step out and ask... and seriously.. that's what happened.. please dont think i'm anyone special.. but it was just amazing that somehow, i forgot about being scared, judged or ashamed.. and just asked... it was seriously that simple.

god is so amazing that it's just so crazy. SO crazy.

breakthrough....... in the craziest way......

i can't wait till i get to preach this tomorrow night at thirst... i can't wait to see what God is going to do... all glory to the father.. all glory to the father...

:Penang, World Cup, and mean faces:

2006-06-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

So penang. nice place.

when it's not raining.

i wont explain too much, i'll just let the pix do that.

The customary trip to BK. i had a double whopper with cheese and bacon, XL drink and Orings. janice had the junior. her burger looks so small.. i was stuffed, but very happy.

i love flying. like I LOVE IT. even before the TV sets were put in, i still loved it. the excitement, the visiting new countries, airports.. i love it. i ALSO love CX's new cupholder and other thingy in the seat, and now i watch the landing and takeoff.. i was amazing for almost an hour by these 3 things alone. janice was knocked out so she loved it too.

walking around Penang is actually fun and amazing. coming from HK i dont really appreciate old buildings, but in Penang they made it a point to keep some old school buildings. since it rained the first day we just really enjoyed the old part of town. here's some pics of the old buildings. some of them were really cool because they commissioned banks to go into these huge oldschool buildings and restore them. so you have a colonial looking building with HSBC inside it. i loved it. anyways, here are the pix:

walking around the malls and stuff was ok. it was like HK in many ways, just.. well.. cheaper, as in quality wise, but actually more expensive. everything has an additional 5% gov tax. what the heck is that? anyways, i saw this place and i loved the sign. doesn't anyone realise what S & M is?

the apple corner. people in Malaysia have not caught on to Mac yet. it's really sad. we went to starbucks and everyone had the biggest, ugliest dells i've ever seen. this one guy had a HUGE battery pack and cooling thing under his computer. it was the anti-sexy..

we passed by a bus depot/bus stop that took people phuket. cool... i just love travelling, so bus stop or airport i love it.

eating in Penang is fun. this is where i really felt that gay tagline for Malaysia tourism is actually spot on. Malaysia is truly a mish-mash of Asia, and since the only thing i know with supreme confidence is food... i loved it all. gotta love the street vendors:

one thing i really appreciated was their love for the alfresco dinning. well.. it is a tropical island resort type of place, so i guess it makes sense. but honestly? i love being able to sit outside, dine, drink good coffee, and enjoy the vibe. in this particular place they had, in a row, about 10 restaurants/cafes and they ALL had good business except dominos. every single place. amazing.

like i said. GOOD coffee. after working behind the Vine coffee bar, i know what good coffee tastes like. we were on the way to the coffee bean, but we found this cafe that had in bold, "The Best Coffee in the World"... you can't make such a lofty statement of quality and not expect people to be suspect. unless you're like pastor john who says that just so people will test it. (the Vine has the best coffee in the world though, let's be honest now).

anyways, this place was great. cool cups, nice vibe, great coffee (not the best, but great), and the waiter was definitely on crack because he was enjoying his job way too much, and all jumpy and stuff, and the other waitress was a reincarnated Malaysia Queen Latifah. no joke. a dude on crack, and Queen Latif... it was an experience.

ok so on the last night i dragged janice to eat at the grottiest cheapest place i could find, and it was great. it was chinese-malay style, but it was different, tasty and ridiculously cheap. i wanted to try their mei goreng, or fried noodles, and when i saw this.. i knew this was it.

i've never had mei goreng with so much sauce, but i have to say that i loved it

janice has some funky fried rice. it was alright, but the heart shaped fried egg made up for any lack in taste...

man.. i was so happy....

after the carnage, 2 plates, 2 drinks, 10 satays.. we ate our full for 13ringit, about 30 HKD. schnice.

world cup. it's amazing that anywhere you go in the world, there's one thing happening.. and that is the world cup. nothing is bigger than football (soccer)... and it's just insane. this is the only time in all the years i've known janice, that we can watch a sporting event and be totally engrossed in it together. i'll talk more about this later.

in the middle of an uptown bar district in Penang, we found this massive screen that was playing the games. janice and i sat there for something crazy like 5 hours straight of only going to the bathroom... of watching world cup football. it was amazing.. and the thing was.. it was HER idea, not mine. HA!

so on wednesday morning our flight was at 7:50am, so if we had to be at the airport by 6am, and the england game finishes at 5am, then we can watch the game, pack, check out and then voila.. back in HK. everything was going to plan until the plane was delayed. then janice and i got upset.. so we made faces.

so all in all it was great to get away, and while the hotel was really not that nice, we paid for what we got. I never mentioned it, but it was supposed to be thunderstorms and rain all week, but for some crazy reason, God heard our prayers and he sent out the sun for the whole morning and afternoon for janice and i get burnt. then when we went in for dinner, the rain came back and didn't stop. in fact, it's still raining now. so that was great, because janice and i loved getting burnt, lazing around a pool or beach.. we're very good at it.

anyways, let me get on to some words of substance. in case anyone has read this far that is.

janice is a world cup crazed fan. she's so into the underdogs, especially any African nation, that she's loved the group games. cheering and even seeing the underdog score is great. the amazing thing is, that this is something we share. it's like we have a common ground that we love walking together.

let's extrapolate.

if something is major in either of lives and yet we cant share it, then how does it benefit the relationship? you see at the highest desire in my life, and in janice's life is Jesus Christ. that is a huge area in which our lives have connected, and ultimately been cemented, but life has capacity for many things. therefore for me to enjoy something crazy like world cup with my wife, at a level that is not only enjoyable, but has healthy rivalry... it's a real joy.

it saddens me to think that there are so many couples in life that never make connections, never make bridges to one another, and yet when the going gets tough they wonder why they choose separation rather than toughing it out. these little things like world cup, and these big things like Jesus Christ, all add to the joy of being able to share my life with Janice.. and not just share life, but devote life to one another.

i'm not saying we're perfect, because we're not. i still piss her off with things, and she certainly does for me too, but we have chosen to fight for our marriage, friendship and lives as one. so yeah.. it was an excellent anniversary. different, but everything we needed. can't wait for all the next ones. okay, you can all stop throwing up now, the mushy stuff is finished.

Lord, you are amazing. help me to never forget that. and help me to always thank you for giving me Janice.

and thanks for World Cup.

-amen

:1 year...:

2006-06-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

it's 12:01am, June 18th 2006. I've been married for one year.

wow.

not only can i not believe it, i can't believe that my beautiful wife hasn't 'woken up' and dropped me like a bad habit. yet this will be the first of many years.. how this has happened.. who knows?

Lord, i have done nothing in my whole life to deserve a person like Janice, but i thank you for your grace and your mercy on me. Help me to honour my wife on this day, and forever more. I thank you for being the bond that Janice and I share, and the goal that we reach for... -amen.

so.. in about 15 hours janice and i will be in Penang, relaxing, enjoying, refueling, refreshing, and just .. well.. being married.

pictures to come later from out holiday and from Matt and Meg's wedding!

:fame:

2006-06-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

i wanna live forever!!!!

this is something that's been on little bit on my mind since the album recording, then it was really major when we did Global Day of Prayer, then last night it came up again.

now, dont get me wrong or anything, i'm not famous, neither is Tom Read... neither is brett, eph, joshua, ben... but.. check out this photo

so what happened was that after Tom lead worship in a stadium that had less than 30,000 people there for global day of prayer, and after sharing a stage with Steven Curtis Chapman... he had a line of girls and a few boys waiting to take photos with him.. i've seen this before when it came to him playing in a band, but after a worship set? this moment was short lived because the small gaggle of people ditched tom and went for SCC sons, who were pretty rock-starish. check'em out...

last night for the first time ever oneighty had about 120 people. at one point we had live jazz last night which turned into an adhoc ice-ice-baby karaoke night.. 2 people at one point separately told me if they didn't know any better they would have thought this was a bar and everyone was drunk. anyways, for me, the night was simply amazing. we had a HUGE number of visiting students but we're also getting visitors who could potentially stay on... what happened was that after we finished the program i went to the bathroom and i kept getting pulled left and right. meet this person, say hi to this person... while it was great and i couldn't believe how many people and new comers there were... it was weird.

last year, after i mc'd hillsong united in hong kong i had a few people wait for me to come off stage to take pictures with me... me?

ok so there's a point here. basically i know that as we grow in influence and grow in impact in the city and beyond, there's something that my spirit has to deal with...

success.

even if i'm just a member of worship and not any of the front worship leaders.. it's still hard to lay down all the feelings that people have when their face is all over a HUGEMUNGO stadium TV screen with thousands of people going for it. it's weird to leave the tabernacle of prayer and holy spirit to walk out into the lounge where it's no less than crazy party atmosphere. it's weird to even have someone i dont know say, "can i have a photo with you please?"

i always think to myself... why?

ok, call me shallow but it's something that i think about more because The Vine, Tom, Oneighty and just.. well.. everything seems to be growing and if i dont deal with this now, i have a nagging feeling that it will come back to defeat me later on in life. you see, i completely believe that Tom is going to a world renowned worship leader. i believe that in my lifetime i would have touched thousands of lives through my role at the Vine and oneighty. but if i dont learn how to just deflect all the weird-ness of being successful and famous.. it'll never happen.. or it'll happen and then god will take it away.

i always said that i would lead 180 into a season where we would move out of the vine centre. i believed it from the first day i moved into that place and our first meeting was less than 20 people. i always knew that the vine would record a cd. i always knew that the vine would eventually move to a bigger venue. i always knew that i would play in a stadium with thousands of people worshipping the Living God. i always knew that i would marry a beautiful women who loved God and was super cute. i always knew i'd have a child. i always knew that would speak on a world wide platform.

but knowing, seeing, believing, and trusting... these are all things i'm still learning. some of those things i mentioned have happened, and some haven't... but i guess i'm learning to be a good steward of those things that happened already, so that that God prepares my heart for the next...

Lord, in no arrogant or up-my-self way do i mean this when i say this, but i am no-one. i've believed that it wasn't ever me, or my gifts, or my personhood that will get me anywhere, but after meeting You, you've given me ability to boast in the things i have not, and rely on the supernatural things of you. Bless you and Praise you God because you are a Good God, and i place my life, my future, my ministry and everything in Your hands.

To You be the Glory, Forever and Ever. Amen.

i took a few shots at the global day of prayer.. check it out if you want:

:Global Day of Prayer:

2006-06-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

will update tonight about this crazy event.. but i'll tease you with my fav pick of the batch... this was taken by janice and i just love the colour contrast with the long hair in the wind.

nice. more to come tonight...

:thoughts, sparky ham, & parties :

2006-05-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

i'm engrossed by Donald Miller. this is his website, click to go there. i like it...

i'm currently reading, more like eating up, his book called "Blue Like Jazz". it's an amazing look into a life that is reflecting uncertainty in Christdom.

i haven't finished the book, but i've thouroughly enjoying it. i realised i've only been reading christian leadership books and while they are great resource, it's not something you cuddle up to in starbucks. this has been a refreshing break from all the resources i've been going through. i had a passing discussion with janice about ever questioning faith, existence of God, or complete validity of the bible. she flatlined me by saying she doesn't question anything anymore, which i completely believed because my wife is like that. there is no question. there is also no spoon.

anyways, it's good to read that a christian doesn't know if they fully believe in everything about God. a crisis in faith is vital in following God. faith is all about making that decision to believe EVEN WHEN the whole body, mind and soul is questioning that choice. that's why i love following God. i love everything about Jesus, his church, and his teachings. it's amazing, and i love it. i dont understandit one bit sometimes, but i dont understand why fresh bread tastes so good either.. they just do. it just does.

one point that i found in this book that was profound, and there are many, was that it's easy to die for something, because that eludes to glory. in a moment you give it all for something that everyone observes, then you become a hero. either for a cause that's amazingly world changing or for an old grandma crossing the road.. purple hearts for all... BUT LIVING for something, that's MUCH harder. as i stopped and lay down the book to think, i took it all in. (that's an amazing thing you know, when a book makes you stop reading and think... i love that, thinking...) living every day for something, constant commitment and sacrifice is MUCH harder to do. it requires patience, it requires so much more than diving in front of a car... it requires a laying down of the life, yet Jesus himself says that is highest calling a person can have.

these thoughts aren't new. i mean the bible clearly states that nothing under the sun is new, and last time i checked every thing on Earth, and in our solar system is under the sun. it's just that miller portrays in a way that i can smile about it, and not get upset or condemned if i think the same as him. unless of course you condemn me, which is another thing entirely.

yet i still live. i LIVE for my wife, and my God. i have nothing against miller, but i found myself questioning how often he LIVES for his ministry of God. just this last week i've been having a difficult yet rewarding week. i'm not complaining, just stating the facts. yet i love it. i LOVE living. is that strange of me? maybe.

anyways, here's some of the things i've been up to.

so this is behind the scenes at filming Vine News with Mark Nam. sparky ham is a good guy, but this shot makes him look like a movie star who needs his fully white decked out trailer with blue m&ms.

i like this shot. got the real man blurred in the background, yet the digital image of him clear as day. (that saying doesn't really apply here in good old smogged out HK does it?)

i haven't been to a party/pub/gathering outside church for a while. and while this is from someone at church, it wasn't really a church going. i've been working all week, then we had an intense prayer meeting, so going out to drink and party wasn't high on my list. HOWEVER, nina P is one cool chick, so we happily went. stole a shot of the glam gals when arriving...

below is Joshua absolutely taking advantage of poor old mandy lee, although you wouldn't know from how he's wrapped her up, leg's and all. i love Joshua's facial. mandy is either very strong or joshua is really light. i think there's a healthy mixture of both really.

and let me introduce to you Daisy Lou Lou Daniels, Toby and Sarah's daughter. She is precious, the biggest craziest colour eyes you can imagine. sorry for the blurry short, but babies just dont know how to pose for shots in low light situations. and i didn't want to use flash and render her blind you know....

and here's my wife holding daisy. does any other husband without kids feel strange when their wives make a beeline for the baby? it was nice, and i'm glad janice LOVES it, but something inside me was screaming. it was either my deep desire to have kids right there and then, or an all consuming fear of fatherhood. i loved it, so i took a picture of it.

ok so there's a few things with some photos. i've been a bit lazy with photos because sparky and i are busy with live & church and we're working on a book for the live album recording. a picture book. kind of like a coffee table book, but cheaper.

in case you're wondering, the oneighty.hk forum will be taken down and revamped...

:creaky knees:

2006-05-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Well, since the whole VINE extended family is writing about the live album recording, I've decided to write about personal stuff, since this is my blog and I have so much happening in my life that I can't just ignore it all on this piece of webspace now can I? Nosiree bob.

So I'm laying in bed and I realised that I have a nightly routine. It involves stretching my leg in a certain way that cracks my knee. Now you may think this is not a huge thing, but actually it's been making me think, and that's always a good thing.

I have creaky knees.

Is creaky a word? Anyways, I've always pictured old people who've lived a full and happy life to have clicks and cracks whenever they move around. Kind of like the old version of Rose in Titanic. It's just one of those personal things that I've coupled with advanced years. Old people have trouble moving around, therefore there are clicks and cracks whenever they move... But now, my knee cracks every single time I tuck in for my z's.

Sigh... Due to my own personal definition of old, I'm already there.

Anyways, I've been mulling this over the last few days, and then something else hit me. David Ng, one of my 180ers and fellow members of my church, also went to the same university as I did, university of Michigan (umich). He recently returned for something and over the last days it's brought back a flood of memories. A flood is a polite and understand way of putting it. It's the perfect storm of memories.

You see for me, university was a mixture of complete euphoria, joy, growth and experience, yet was also a time of complete and utter failure, destruction and death. University was the first place I had complete freedom to be who I wanted to be, and it was that same freedom that lead me to throw away my college career and ended up a college drop out, addicted to drugs and in debt with tens of thousands of USD...

Let me tie this all together now.

I don't regret. Let me say that again. I don't regret. I AM utterly remorseful at the wasted chances, BUT I DO NOT regret throwing my life in to the soft drug of ecstasy, I don't regret wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on education, I don't regret destroying my body, I don't regret walking away from my old life as I did. Every single thing I have today is due to the fact I have failed in a significant area of my life, yet still decided to move on. I must pay for my choices, yes. There is consequence for sin, yes. One day I will repay is some way shape or form my family for all the years of stress and money, yes. Would I change what happened? No. none of it.

I've been studying this notion a little bit. Sometimes, pastor operate out of a circumstance of failure, and it is that fear of failing again that drive me. Sometimes pastors are driven due to previous failures, rather than a genuine desire to see God's purposes on this planet. Other theories suggest that pastors operate out of a failure and have a need to be needed. There that certain rush when people you lead look to and seek out your advice/prayers/council concerning life & spiritual issues. There is also the "saviour" complex that many pastors have. This is basically a convicted attitude that the pastor needs to enter in a failed situation and make it work; the idea that everything needs his/her attention because without it it's doomed for failure...

I don't subscribe to any of these ideas, nor would I ever want to be labelled as such. However, I can admit to anyone who has read this far that I have a pinch of each in me. Never have I or will I ever say that I'm perfect or anywhere near perfect. That doesn't give me the right to just accept that I have weakness, but I shouldn't be judged by the fact that I'm just willing to be honest.

So what does this all mean? Who knows, other than the fact that I'm excited. I'm excited because I have intimate and legitimate experience on what it means and feels like to fail. Therefore, I don't fear it anymore. This has been years in the making, as in it has taken me years to overcome fear of failure. I have faith in the Lord so much now that I have the freedom to step out, to take calculated risks, to push the envelope... These times are more exciting than ever because of my family, my church, my ministry. Janice begins her masters in just a few months, the vine is absolutely moving forward in claiming more ground for God, Tom and our worship band have recorded Hong Kong first ever large scale live worship album, 180 completely surprises me at the growth in people, and what God is doing in the young adults of my generation, small groups sprouting up for 180, my summer college program that is only going into it's third year yet we have the most faith we've ever had for this program...

God is moving.

Inspiring lives to be impacted for Jesus Christ. That's my calling for when I'm here on the this planet. 5 years into my walk with Jesus, and I can really see the effect of what I'm doing and have done has span continents, nations, generations... That my friend, is achievement, and I don't say this in an arrogant way.. I mention it more like a "Wowzers God, you choose me??? type of way...

So yeah, creaky knees? No problem. Bring it on!

:eight hundred seventy seven:

2006-05-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

that was the number of photos i took over the album making process. that's AFTER the really bad ones were taken out. mark thinks that i can cut another 150-200... but i can't just chuch the memories you know? my iphoto is pretty jammed now..

the album making process was amazing, and a memory that will stay with me forever. small moments that make it all worth while. (and since i only took the practices and backstage pix, i dont have any of the actual stuff on stage. sowwie)

and then the chilling afterwards. matt, our synth & effects man, was pooped and crashed out. i love this shot.

sigh.. the life goes on. can't wait for 180 this saturday. can't wait till janice and i celebrate our 1 year anniversary... can you believe it? one year already... God is just SO good.

:worship overdub:

2006-05-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

last night we had an amazing day with Andy G, and Ned... but after the evening service we had a chance to overdub some free choir parts for the worship album. basically there are a few parts where tom was like "now you sing" and the congregation sounds like 3 people who were singing out of tune. so about 30 of committed worshippers stay after service to just sing their hearts out and finish the album!

below is the recording set up 2 rooms away from where we were singing. amazing stuff what you can do with some super hardware and a jacked up ibook. (as well as a freaking $$$ mic)

here's Meg chatting before we started signing

our leader, conducing us while doing powerpoint. it was funny seeing conduct us, but it was a great time

the 'free' choir

"clean hands"

as i left the vine centre that night i mentioned to janice that it was an amazing honour to be a part of such an amazing project. i have no idea what tom's or God's plan is for another worship album, but this one was years in the making in terms of when the songs were written. even if we dont have another, i have amazing memories, over 1000 photo's and a new dvd to be a reminder of it.. oh.. and a cd as well... God is SO amazing... there are no words to describe...

:Vine Live Album Recording:

2006-05-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

in 4 days we have our first ever live worship album. 2 nights, over 500 people at each night. i'm so excited, but we've been practicing for a long time. i'm determined to take as many shots as i can. here are some of my better shots, but i've saved the best until it's all said and done. hope you enjoy it.

:thoughts on missions:

2006-04-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

I tried writing a short entry that would very simply go over our journey in the Philippines, but it was turning into an essay, so I simply stopped, and decided to just record my thoughts and reflections from the trip.

Leading a mission trip is infinitely harder, worlds different and more tiring than just attending one. Maybe it's just my style of leading, but I have a strong style of leading a team of people. I believe in team. I believe that every team needs a leader, and I believe that God has called me to that role whether I've been given the title or not.

On my 3rd or 4th mission trip my 1st young adults pastor gave me the chance to lead and coordinate one outreach. Everything from who gives testimony to which dramas to the challenge. After 2 years of being Christian this was one of my biggest assignments, yet if my memory serves me correctly I did alright and people came to the lord.

Zoom forward another 3 years, and here I am leading my 2nd team on my own.

In my almost 6 years as a Christian I've learned a lot about leading people, about human resources, about people dynamics and about what it takes to motivate people to do things they normally wouldn't do. Anything from taking out the trash at 180, to preaching in church without any support from the team/leadership, to praying for healing. Motivation, decision making, conflict resolution, ministry leading, preaching, example setter, hearer of gods word.... This was something that I've been doing in spurts, maybe every week at 180, maybe every once in a while the SPIRIT will move in such power and strength that it was be a life changing episode.

Now I was looked to lead a team and ask the Spirit to do that every day, at every outreach.

I welcomed the challenge. I think I do really well in high stress situations. Ever since I went on my first mission trip I can see a gift in my to really see needs, to be aware, to have initiative. Even for when doing ministry here in HK I could that God has enabled me to have positive impact. What made this trip so precious for me was that I really didn't do it, it was completely the Holy Spirit blessing me and the team, and working in and through me to see such an amazing time.

What did God teach me?
This is a question I've been asking people in my debrief meetings. I thought it only fair that I answer it.

God taught me that if I completely rely on Him, He will do amazing things through me. You see, that's not an arrogant statement, it's a statement that has come out of being throw in the fire, being tested, refined and then coming out the other side refined. Usually for mission trips, our teams are asked to do outreach at every possible moment. Get as many people saved, then point them to the local church, then pack up and go home. Simple worm and true formula that has worked over the years. This trip, we only 2 major outreaches, but every day we we asked to minister. To pray for every Christian worker that is there 24/7. It was a ministry trip as far as I'm concerned, and that meant lots of preaching, lots of ministry time. I've been so spiritually spend on a trip, as some days I'd preach 3 times, with each having just as passionate ministry times. That takes it's toll on me as the speaker, and my team as the prayer ministry team. What I saw repeatedly was that we certainly did not have anything left to give, yet we were still called to keep giving and to keep minister... So without too much thought, we prayed for the holy spirit to fill us and to us, because, well... We didn't have anything left to give.

Another thing I learned is that I CAN DO IT. I can lead. I was so strengthen by the constant encouragement I received from the team, but every day I was asked to make hard decisions, on the spot, and then preach, and then minister. I was ok by it all, but ever since I started leading 180, I've secretly questioned my abilities, questioned whether I can really do what I've been asked to do. In the end, my conclusion is will always will be I CAN'T do it in my own strength, it HAS to be God.. But you see, that was a complete Christian cliché.. How many times have you heard that? Yet how many times have you actually experienced that feeling of being empty, having nothing left to give, of not knowing what decision to make, of having a completely blank mind, yet having a number of other people looking at you waiting for an answer to a question... I was there every single day of the trip, and yet after praying I just knew the lord was there. You see, it wasn't about questioning whether I could or not, I was really questioning God... And now my answer is that GOD CAN DO IT THROUGH ME.

God also told me again that there is more for my life.
You see, the general view on missions to the Philippines is that it's a feel good trip for the people going. Language not too hard, people know a LOT about Jesus, people generally ready to receive Christ and receive prayer, loads of Christians... BUT, even though I got to preach in ways I've never dreamed of, whether at a crusade of almost a 1000, or a room stuffed with Pastors.. It was an amazing experience. Looking back, and even while going through it I knew with all of my heart that this is only the beginning. This was god's way of saying to me, here's your experience to kick start your expectations of what I am capable of doing through you.

Wow.

I'm a believer. Not just in god, but in what He has in store for my life, my wife & future family, my ministry and my church. There is more for me and my life.

God also taught me that I'm a very in your face leader, yet when I'm confronted with a person who can potentially be in my face back to me, I've always stepped down and let that person get their way. Over the last year I've been growing in this area, and this last trip has broken that condition over me. I'm stronger now, but more of an emotion strength.

What was your God moment of the whole trip?
I have a few.

When nicky lost her bag, and after 2 hours of praying, intercession and watching the security videos... And a whole 5 minutes before they were going to shut the gate and I was literally going to get nicky to give it up, the police turned up with nicky's bag.

Feeling god wanting our team to turn a generic film showing into an outreach. I forced the issue with the local team and they went with it. We saw at least 20 people come to know the lord on that court. Had an amazing divine appointment come forward to bless the local pastor. Certain answer to months of prayer for both sides. Amazing.

My 3 other speaker/leaders. Mandy, Anna, and Nicky. They responded well to finding out they were going to preach for a church service AND prepare words for all the pastors that was under care, about 50 of them. We cried, prayed, cried again, prayed again and they really came through. Each one of them.

Carmen read, friend and sister-in-lord with me and Janice for years, and she was on my first mission trip with me 5 years earlier. I've seen her go up and down in lord, and she was struggling a lot with the Lord about dancing. At the pastors meeting she got her satin cloth that she brought to dance with, draped it over a pastors wife, and prayed such a heartfelt prayer that it brought them both to tears, then carmen had a major breakthrough and started dancing. It was the answer to 4 days of struggle. Amazing.

Adam, the vine intern that I've been discipling, doing amazing on the trip. He ministered well, lead worship perfectly, prayed when needed, was exactly what was needed for this team. My god moment came when adam was visibly having a spiritual attack and he was going to throw up, yet every single feeling in my body said it was an attack and not going to happen. After prayer on the jeep he was healed. Amen.

Laura playing with an orphan who had something wrong with control of her limbs and actions. I've never seen a girl smile so much from just receiving love and stickers.

Anna gardener for completely allowing herself to be broken by the lord in being stretched beyond what she imagined. Her leadership, tears, prayers and friendship made this trip a lot easier.

Lea for being so energetic and ready to serve and willing to be pushed. So supportive and welcoming to the whole team.

Karen chan for also being super supportive, and honest, and ready to serve. Her testimony at the end made me realise why I was in the Philippines.

Shane for giving his testimony. I loved it. Shane is such a trooper. His strength, resolve and all round stubbornness blessed me and actually helped me have strength.

Mandy lee has and will always be a great source of joy, pain, headache and friendship all wrapped into one person. This time though, she showed amazing leadership strength, and she really shined this trip. Made me very honoured to be her leader.

Patsy... This is one of my defining moments of the trip. Right before going up to dinner I asked patsy a simple question of how the trip was going for her. She then unloaded a whole thing about being hypocritical ministering gods love when she didn't even feel that she knew or had gods love. Sensing a heavy talk, I basically gave it to her hard and straight that she needed to realise that she already knew and had it, she just needed to open her eyes to it. God continued to dramatically and extensively reveal his love to patsy personally, which I believe will forever impact and change her perception of who and what God really is.

The other God moments for me was preaching to almost 1000 people, preaching for the pastors meeting, rocking up to a church meeting, preach for 15 minutes, then have every person in the church raise their hand for a greater revelation of worship, praying for healing and NOT seeing it with my own eyes... Receiving prayer from my team at debrief meeting.

What is your next step?
I'm still digesting. I'm still hearing from God about this trip. But I know I need to move on, keep going, keep growing. My life, 180, my wife.. They all require my best, I desire with all my heart to give.

Lord, thank you so much for giving me the honour of leading this team. It blessed and stretched me more ways that I ever dreamed, yet it also enabled me to have spiritual victory again and again. You taught what it really means to trust in You, and to allow your name to be glorified. Heavenly Father, please help me to not forget what you taught me. Please help me stay humble and not think that anything was achieved through my own strength. Thank you Lord for giving me the chance to be a part of 13 other people's lives, to positively impact them, and to inspire them to get closer to You.

Lord, I am absolutely amazed by your love, your grace, your provision, your people and your Spirit. I give all I am to you, all that I have do and will do to you, and may you be glorified.

-amen.

:The Mission:

2006-04-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

update will come soon. i promise.

:OneFlight:

2006-03-26T16:05:00.001-08:00

what is it that makes God so amazing?

i have a new camera which i dont know how to use yet, but i'll let it tell the story of my weekend.

before 180 the Food and bev (F&B) team lead by Linnet and for this night team leader was Kristy Tong on the right.

below is janice, chilling with Mandy Poon, one of our crazy uni students

the pre 180 chill out time is a great chance to meet people. it builds the vibe and buzz before we start. i love it.

worship at 180 was amazing on saturday. tom and jacinta along with some of the flight people made an awesome team and the lord really moved powerfully that night. here's nate not even knowing i was there. he's rather styling in this photo

here's tom going for it during practice

and there's gotta be the fancy artsy shot somewhere...

this is lolly law. she's the most craziest woman of God that i know. she just never stops sharing the gospel where ever she goes and she shared an amazing testimony. she's great.

worship at 180 is always crazy. i think because i kind of grew up in 180, i always feel at home worshiping God on a saturday night. i love it.

jason young did an awesome job preaching about having our whole lives be a mission... that we would take on the mantel of missions.. "what would you do to save a soul?" the answer? any and everything.

the other side of of the room.

as much as 180 sometimes breaks my heart, as much as it tires me to the bone sometimes, and puts a strain on my sanity, and sometimes spills too much into my personal life with my wife... there are times when we're worshiping God, when he renews my call, my strength, my resolve, and tells me that it's ok... i am with you.

numerous people heard the voice of God, or at least the urging of the holy spirit, a refreshing, salvations, and then Tom also was inspired to write a bridge to his song, Who May Ascend.

Lord, you are simply amazing. in spite of every wrong decision that i make, or all the things i dont well, or i don't do well in terms of leading my team, you still pour your blessings and your spirit on us every saturday. Lord, help me to stay fresh, stay focused, and to also be blessed in my personal life with my wife as well.

Lord, i know that in every way it is you who guides, you who provides, you who enables, and you alone who receives the glory. thank you for allowing someone like janice and i to lead a ministry that so amazingly reflects you and what you're doing in the Young Adults of Hong Kong, and the World. Keep us humble, but keep using and growing us. i, we, 180 loves you Lord.

thank you. -amen

:the struggle:

2006-03-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have my first ever day off alone since being married. Exciting, but it's weird being without my wife. Sigh. Maybe I'll clean the house? Year right...

2 nights ago was one of the harder times I've had at 180 that I can ever remember. I had prepared one of the hardest words that God has ever given me to share, and since I actually haven't preached at 180 for months I was very excited. God had a rough time ahead of me, but being rather arrogant I just kind of went with it.

Let me explain.

After days of solid prep, meaning actually sitting down on the computer and writing the talk, and weeks of pre-prep, which for me is prayerfully considering my major points and flow, I was ready for an awesome moving of God's spirit. The week before we invited the panel down to 180 and had Dave Prideaux in the lounge. It was a great vibe, the place was packed and it was an awesome night. So naturally I just kind of expected God again to move and bring even more. It's that kind of arrogant, expectant attitude I have that sometimes drives me. This time it almost broke me.

By the time we started worship I knew that we had not as many people as we normally had. I don't do a head count until we start the sermon, so I just kind of left it. As the first prayers were being said to start worship I gave in and looked around. In a split second I estimated about 30 people. I then started to slightly panic.

This is where the enemy is such a jerk, but amazingly talented. Fear of man crept in. man, I can't preach my heart out to a half full room. Condemnation crept in. was the hard word I received really from God? Then lies crept in... It's MY fault people aren't here, I'M a bad leader.. I shouldn't even be here. I could feel the enemy saying all these things to me, "No one wants to hear you speak, you don't have God's word in your heart, look around, it's empty and it's your fault. Just quit now while you still have a little bit of pride left. You're worthless, look at the empty seats."

Before every 180, especially when I speak, I allow myself to have a lit of bit of a breakdown of fear and anxiety. I never allow it to be seen, because it's always just between me and God. Kind of like how the lead character Jack says he deals with fear in the first episode of Lost. I give in to it, realise what COULD happen and all that I CANT do, or HAVEN"T done, or HAVEN'T achieved... Then it brings me to this place where I have to completely rely on God. Then, He redeems and restores me, then I go to 180 and I'm in a place where I believe that I can be used for His glory without taking any of it for myself. It's a cliché, but this is my process in getting 'prayed up'.

So, with the voices of enemy resounding in my mind, the middle of the first song was going loud in my ear, something inside me snapped. I felt the undeniable truth of the word of God speak through the music, the enemy, even my own thoughts.

"Don't be a hypocrite. Come to Me."

One of the only ways I know how to draw close to God is worship him insanely, with every once of my being, and for me, that means I need to scream. I don't normally do this, as composure is something that I've developed over the years of leadership, but in light of what was about to happen, I needed to push through and just worship Him. So without abandon I screamed His praises, and expectedly, the more I worshipped God, the more I focused on the lyrics I was singing, the more I knew the truth of the matter. ALL the answers to what the enemy was saying to me was in my talk; in God's word, and then as I worshipped, I went over my talk, and remember that it WAS GODS WORD that spoke this talk into being, and whether it was one person or one hundred people hearing that word, I will be faithful in delivering it.

That all took place, beginning to end, all within the first 2 songs.

By the time I got up to speak, I was there, in the right frame of mind to preach, and ready to be used. I never rank or grade my talks, I just know if I was in there, switched on to what I was saying and to what degree I was able to interpret what God wanted to say to the congregation.... and this time, I did it better then I can ever remember.

Afterwards, my intensity was confirmed when I was talking to Amy, who BV'd. She said, yeah.. I could hear you screaming. Inside, I knew she understood, and once again I could see why God placed someone like that on my team.

Speaking of my team, I need to thank them and especially my wife, without them I would not be able to do what I do, as they all lifted me up so I could be freed up to lead, and preach. The more I realise that my team are the key, the more God is glorified and the more our ministry moves forward.

i want to change the world. that's my vision for myself and for this ministry, that we would be a ministry that impacts the world.

-Derek Ma (180, March 11th, 2006)

Praise Him, for He and He alone is worthy of our Praise.

-amen indeed.