:the bigger picture:

I knew I couldn't go. Even when I knew I wanted to. I knew I couldn't go.

In 5 days, a team from hong kong will be going to Indonesia to offer support, medical, financial, spiritual.. Any support really.. Whatever we can. Actually, whatever they can.

I have never missed a mission trip that I wanted to go on. God has been extremely grateful to me in that he's always provided the time and the means for me to go. 8 trips in 4 years, 3 different countries... Amazing. To even go on one trip, I know that I've been blessed beyond belief. Strangely enough, I've never been in this position, I can't go.

My reasons are simple. I have never been in such a position of importance, responsibility... I've never been such a part in such the big picture. I say this lightly, as anyone who knows me knows that my role isn't as big as I make it out to be.

The big picture. In my own little world, in my little church, my little city... I need to be furthered trained, our team needs to be strengthen, we need to be a team, we need to serve our low to middle class well off members of our congregation to be more blessed, to deal better with apathy, on how to save their money as best as possible and to not spend on silly things, to mature and maybe find the best job, the one that pays the most, or provides the best opportunities, brand names, blue chips, suits and cars..........

In Indonesia, of the reported places, a small island named Nias along with Simualue are two of the worst hit places. Not aceh. You see, aceh has received most if not all of the aid going into Indonesia. Planes fly in and out, international organisations, every big name you can ever think of is there.. Along with every tv news station in the world.. Therefore billions of the dollars, US dollars are there or will be there too.

Nias has YET TO RECEIVE ANY AID. Crazy huh, smaller, less significant, smaller body count, but the whole body count is less than aceh. I just read the most, something like over 80% of the whole area has be destroyed.

That is everything. Every single way of life. Not set back. Not decreased. Destroyed. These people... Some who were already poor, now have abosultely nothing. They have no aid, and no aid is coming. It's all on the planes to Aceh. Every day the people on this island see planes going to aceh, they see the planes fly over their home.

I read a report from a church in Nias. In 4 more days all of their food supply will be spent and they will have to resort to scavenging the already rotting surroundings for food if no aid arrives. I read that today, 15 days after the tsunami hit.

In 5 days a team from hong kong, of which janice will be one of (god willing) will be on will go to Nias. And for reasons which I know are practical and needed in my church and my everyday life as a local young adults leader/pastor... I can not be on that team. That team will be going to make a difference in Nias, to encourage the local churches there, to provide medical support, to bless and to do whatever they can to bring a smile to an otherwise desolate place.

I know. I know my responsibilities, my needs, my role... But the only time in my life I can respond to a crisis.. The biggest in asia, the worst natural disaster in decades... And I can not go. I can only sit in my 4 star hotel, buffet breakfast team-building retreat and ponder what I could be doing.

Sigh.. I will be over this tonight. But just for one night, for maybe 2 more hours of this night, I can spend some time venting to god.. Asking him to put my heart at rest, to trust, and to submit.

My church, my life, my job, my role, my team, my responsibilities... It all needs me to be in town next week. Regardless, my heart and spirit follows janice to Nias.

When I decided to follow Jesus, I made a pact that I wouldn't question His ways. I never questioned His reasons for allowing me to go down the path I went down, to fail so spectacularly as I did. Feeling pain and loss... But then to be gloriously raised up to where I am today, with a bright hope for tomorrow. Never question, just follow... Since boxing day I have openly, for the first time in my life, honestly fringed on breaking that pact. Tonight, more so than ever before, my not being able to go on this trip has pushed my faith to limits i haven't been before. Yet I know. I know what is asked of me and I know that He wants.

But it was never easy to follow jesus. It never will be.

Thank you god, for it is simple days like this where I understand what being a disciple means. Please protect that team, and use every person to provide the aid that's needed, and to be the blessing they can be. Lastly, please help me know your peace.


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