sorry all, no spell check. after last weekend, i've slowed down to take a breath. i guess speaking at 180 was awesome... if nothing else than just to serve, it was good to be on stage. i felt crap when i got off stage, but i did what i could for the lord.

it's funny... i've flown all the way to Sydney to see some of the world's best speakers... and i've only really found out how hard it can be by actually stepping out of my shell and doing it. you see... in the world, people publicly speak for power, for influence, for money, for self gain... but in the church.. people speak to BLESS others, and only if the Lord has something to say to the congregation. how do keep your heart pure? how do people make sure that they dont have any personal desires on there on stage with them? i'm just learning.. i'm eager to push my own envelop and to really be the best i can for God... but then.. sometimes... "I" want to be good.. I want this, I want that... when it should be all about God... nayways.. talk #3... done with. in 4 days.. i would have started my next step... talk #4.

so the topic of this post is about a movie i just saw... Black Hawk Down.

i guess i haven't seen a modern war movie in a while and i guess this one was just really good. i could go on for a while why it was so good but... there's this one part in the movie that really stuck to my brain. it was rigth at the end.. the ranger was about to go back in just hours after they got back from the craziness... he said.. that when people ask.. why.. why do you do what you do?... and the answer was that he just didn't answer these people anymore.. they just wouldn't understand... because out there, it's about the person next to you.

they won't understand.

sometimes, when i try to explain to people why i have given up my job, and have taken up a volunteer job.... i just am at a loss for words. sometimes, when i try to explain to people why i willingly give up 5 days a week for church stuff... i try can't... because... well..

they won't understand. they can't.

it's about the person next to me. i dont expect people, especially those who dont know God... to really see the reason why. i serve the lord.. and then i want to serve the people around me. for me.. i dont see it was 'wasting' my time... or even 'service'... it's now my life. i wonder if this will ever change? i wonder what happens to me in a year? in 5? in 10?

ouch.. my brain hurts.


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