:reflections:
here i sit.
the office sometimes is the best place on earth. the headphones do not enable me to hear the things happening in the peripheral... much like my life.. i focus on something and then the things on the outer just melt away. what the heck? did that make any sense?
here i sit.
for the month of june, i co-lead with bob. then in july, bob will be there to support, but mostly in the background... then august begins the tenure of which i will be the new leader of 180. often i ask god, why me? what do i bring? what can i provide? who am i to be where i am? not that the 180 leader is a 'prestigious' position... but it's strange. jym was my leader when i first stepped into 180. almost 4 years ago, i went and people took me under their wing... jason and bob specifically... josh, eph, ed, ben, janice, mandy, koryl... all these guys helped me grow so much. did you notice that half the people i mentioned are gone or leaving 180? is that my fate? will i lead for 1 year, and then burnout? feel the strain and give up. i was given advice... and that advice pointed to a "no-way out attitude"... you will have days where you WILL FAIL, you will get knocked down, you'll feel like it's just useless... but then you just get back up again. wow, and i thought being a Plus leader was tough. i pray, i plead, i beg that God will use me for years to come.. that 180 will be a place that i could be forever. honestly, i see myself years from now STILL LEADING 180... strange? or just happy to start a new job. no... it's about how much can i be excellent in the charge that the Lord has given me? sometimes, it's all too overwhelming..
here i sit.
people often bring up marriage with me... asking me when, what are you waiting for, why haven't you already gotten married..... well.. i have answer for most of the questions... but is it just me or is marriage a strange notion? i mean.. i spent the morning getting ready really slowly... thinking to myself at every set action that i do every day before work... shower, brush teeth, shave, change, turn on tv, drink water... if i were to live with janice forever, these things have to change? right? i mean.. doesn't that weirdout some people?
here i sit.
after 6 months of volunteering, i found out that the Vine is now ironing out my contract and my job description... weird huh? to be honest i don't know if i was not planning my future due to fear/laziness or i was just so full of faith that God would provide for me. either way, i have committed my life to this church, this ministry... like it or not, my heart is to do everything possible to pour myself out like a drink offering for God's purposes.
here i sit.
i guess yesterday i had to reflect on my life as a non christian, as luke was asking me about my past, and about my testimony. click here in case you don't know it. strange, that a college drop out, an ex drug addict, a very spoilt failure, would be turned around so utterly and completely over 4 years. it was accelerated, as the Lord saw my heart... my whole life i was looking to believe in something... i never knew that until i found it. in college, i was seeking something, anything.. and i found so many other things that almost destroyed me. years later.. i'm a new creation, a completely different looking person to that shell of a man.
and so here i sit. able to enjoy my life, my future, my prospects... knowing God's grace, love and provision so much that i'm willing to bet my life, and my future on it... and guess what? i've never been happier.
time to get some dinner.
here i sit.
the office sometimes is the best place on earth. the headphones do not enable me to hear the things happening in the peripheral... much like my life.. i focus on something and then the things on the outer just melt away. what the heck? did that make any sense?
here i sit.
for the month of june, i co-lead with bob. then in july, bob will be there to support, but mostly in the background... then august begins the tenure of which i will be the new leader of 180. often i ask god, why me? what do i bring? what can i provide? who am i to be where i am? not that the 180 leader is a 'prestigious' position... but it's strange. jym was my leader when i first stepped into 180. almost 4 years ago, i went and people took me under their wing... jason and bob specifically... josh, eph, ed, ben, janice, mandy, koryl... all these guys helped me grow so much. did you notice that half the people i mentioned are gone or leaving 180? is that my fate? will i lead for 1 year, and then burnout? feel the strain and give up. i was given advice... and that advice pointed to a "no-way out attitude"... you will have days where you WILL FAIL, you will get knocked down, you'll feel like it's just useless... but then you just get back up again. wow, and i thought being a Plus leader was tough. i pray, i plead, i beg that God will use me for years to come.. that 180 will be a place that i could be forever. honestly, i see myself years from now STILL LEADING 180... strange? or just happy to start a new job. no... it's about how much can i be excellent in the charge that the Lord has given me? sometimes, it's all too overwhelming..
here i sit.
people often bring up marriage with me... asking me when, what are you waiting for, why haven't you already gotten married..... well.. i have answer for most of the questions... but is it just me or is marriage a strange notion? i mean.. i spent the morning getting ready really slowly... thinking to myself at every set action that i do every day before work... shower, brush teeth, shave, change, turn on tv, drink water... if i were to live with janice forever, these things have to change? right? i mean.. doesn't that weirdout some people?
here i sit.
after 6 months of volunteering, i found out that the Vine is now ironing out my contract and my job description... weird huh? to be honest i don't know if i was not planning my future due to fear/laziness or i was just so full of faith that God would provide for me. either way, i have committed my life to this church, this ministry... like it or not, my heart is to do everything possible to pour myself out like a drink offering for God's purposes.
here i sit.
i guess yesterday i had to reflect on my life as a non christian, as luke was asking me about my past, and about my testimony. click here in case you don't know it. strange, that a college drop out, an ex drug addict, a very spoilt failure, would be turned around so utterly and completely over 4 years. it was accelerated, as the Lord saw my heart... my whole life i was looking to believe in something... i never knew that until i found it. in college, i was seeking something, anything.. and i found so many other things that almost destroyed me. years later.. i'm a new creation, a completely different looking person to that shell of a man.
and so here i sit. able to enjoy my life, my future, my prospects... knowing God's grace, love and provision so much that i'm willing to bet my life, and my future on it... and guess what? i've never been happier.
time to get some dinner.
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