:I am not perfect:

Life has been funny. It always seems to go up and down. I guess that as the leader of people, there's so much pressure, so much expected. I think that's true of me, but I also know that I can not live up to anyone's expectation. I'm so certain that so many leaders fall because the people they lead expect them to be people they are not, are be something that a leader can not be.

One of my leadership team said something that was funny in a painful sort of way, but actually very very good. She told someone that you can't and shouldn't rely on Derek for anything.


Now, she said this to a person who obviously held (past tense) me in high regard. her point was to rip me apart, but more say soemthing about this other person. Being the super sensitive person that I am, I really didn't take it well, but in hindsight I know that was my pride speaking. i thought she was saying Derek is so unreliable that you can't ask anythign of him... what she was saying was that you need to be strong if you're going to be a leader and shouldn't rely on anyone really. You can't and shouldn't rely on Derek on anything...

She meant, you must be strong, and you have to be able to handle feeling hurt. Derek can't do or be everything for you. he's your leader, not an emotional crutch.

You know, one of the basic human needs is to feel needed? That feeling of people 'needing' you is great... But then when you abuse that? it hurts.

I'm called to lead this ministry, not be perfect or to be the focus of the ministry. Since the honeymoon time is still running strong, I guess this was the first real knock on my character, rather than any of the things I've implemented... And honestly, it wasn't nice, but it was the painful truth. However if there's something to learn, it's that I was trying too hard to do things that I know I can't be..

as long as I keep my eyes on God, and run after Him with all my heart, I know these growing pains will pass. It's never easy leading people because my life is now under a microscope, and mistakes never stop with only me. When I screw up, people get hurt, people make judgements, and real life emotions are at stake. For all my failures already, for every bad decision, for every bad move... I KNOW I've made some good ones. I KNOW that God has been moving in 180. So I WILL lift my eyes and head up, as I found out something very encouraging. I've failed in many areas already, but today is the 122nd day I've lead the ministry. It's still early in the game, and where we have already gone is very encouraging


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