the mistakes of man

What is it that makes people try to do the right thing? In a world where I am surrounded by people... the praise of peers, or those who I lead, or good words from those who I follow are almost as good as the paycheck I receive. Almost.

We talked about this in bible study tonight. People sometimes work, not for the acceptance and praise of God, but the words and praise of man. For a non-christian, this is fine... What else are they going for? Yes yes.. The paycheck... There's always the paycheck. But a little verbal pat can sometimes be weighed in gold when it comes to the soul...

But I am a Christian. Seriously.

So I realised that I make many mistakes. When I first started out as the leader for 180, I was so bent on results, on me BEING the best leader I could be.. To make everyone happy, to do what I could.

Notice I didn't say God in that last paragraph. That's not a good thing. No sir.

Months later I still make many bad decisions. Some because I was trying to please my members, my team, myself, but not really god, it ended in some ugly scenes. I have failed in a couple of big decisions, I've made some really bad judgement calls, and sometimes I've been so wrong about what God wanted for my life and ministry that you wouldn't guess that i was a believer let alone a leader. That was just in the last 6 months. Let's not even talk about when I wasn't a Christian.

Even yesterday, I made a mistake. But instead of pile up my negatives in one grave, I took time out to reflect on them a little bit. What I found today was that I'm actually learning. I'm actually doing something about them. That's not to say I'm all of a sudden supper man or superleader.. I'm just.. A little more refined. And the only way things like people are refined are to go through the fire, and melt out or burn up the impurities. Let's just say that these days I'm feeling that burn a little too close for comfort.

I am a type of person that likes to take other peoples opinion to heart. That is sometimes a very good gift to have, help discernment, helps judgement, but it can also be a curse, giving too much weight to people's thoughts and emotion rather than being objective. Just like any gift and skill, it can be used for good, or not so good.

So here we are, back to square one. If I were to look in the mirror and evaluate myself, yes, I would agree with myself that I have many more faults than I do strengths, but it is the way in which I deal with those faults that shows growth and maturity... how I manage them, and how I admit and overcome them... There was a time in my life where I never understood why I made mistakes... Years later I still make mistakes, but what I'm saying is that recently, for the first item in my life, I can say that I not only know why I make mistakes, but I can see a reason for God to have allowed AND I can say that I've actually learned from them...

Now let's see if I can do something with that new knowledge.

My goal is to be in a position where a whisper from God that I have been faithful is all the payment I need. I wish to be pure of motive and of mind. Sometimes, I get depressed that i do actually get paid, because when I did volunteer I DID only work for HIS praise and His love. It says in bible that when we receive the praises from man and that is what we desired, the we have received payment in full. That is so sad, but oh so true sometimes.

"That was awesome Derek, well done. You're so great."

"Why thank you."

Or even worse, "180 was awesome! Great job derek"


Sometimes, God allows us to make mistakes because we just can not see the obvious. Sigh... All the stuff I just wrote about learning from my mistakes? I take that back. Lord help me, with eyes wide open I still can not see. Time for some bed and some humble pie.


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