:Lord, who am I?"

i was talking with a friend a few days ago and she made me think. that is enough right there to get me blogging.

the revelation is this... i am actually no one. i am a failed uni student. i'm actually a failed student of life, succumbing to drug problems, getting 'removed' from school, going into debt... but then i became christian, and in Christ i became someone.

or did i?

no matter what success i have as a leader in the Church, no matter how well oneighty does, no matter how many packed services we have, or how many people come to know the Lord.. there are days where i know that... i'm no one. i'm nothing.

yes, i preach, i'm in a pastoral role, yes i run a ministry... but people just dont understand that i am no one. i would say 9 out of every 10 people i lead are more qualified, more able, more... everything... in capacity to do what i do. i struggle with sin just as much or even more than the next person.

dirty, no one, failed, lair, fake, alone... that i am. so then i preach a sermon about breakthrough... spit, scream, sweat and cry to inspire people around me to get closer to God...

but where am i? where is MY God?

Do you know why i love this photo i took while on the star ferry? it's a rope, but ripped apart and frayed on the end. i feel sometimes this is me. sometimes i'm a strong unbreakable force that holds a vessel full of people.. keeping it grounded to the Rock. sometimes.. i feel like a broken, frayed string that has no use except for cheap-ass tourists from otherworlds to take photos of... bad photos at that...

this is normal. just a few days ago i spoke to one person about having breakthrough.. and here i am, needing yet another one just to get through the day. another day i spoke to someone about not comparing her relationship with Jesus to anyone else, otherwise it'll breed jealousy & judgement.. yet here i am, almost doing the same. hmph.

one thing i said in my very own talk was that i'm am tired of putting Jesus anywhere else on my list of priorities other than first.. the top, because it sucks, it's a waste of Jesus' sacrifice and it's a waste of my life, it has lead to years of hypocrisy and it's time to stop. and so here i am, listening to my own sermon, waiting for the Lord to come and rip away the old, and bring in the new.

another thing i said is that breakthrough is not for the person to your left or you right, not for anyone else but YOU... but ME. yet here i am, looking for everyone else breakthrough, yet putting my own on the backburner.

this is burden that a speaker must carry. to walk out life, to walk out the sermon.

so here i am. sometimes a rope to the Rock, and sometimes the torn end of a useless string. last night i made my peace with God. He not only heard me, but he reminded me that my life is not mine, but HIS. ultimately that means much more to me, because it shows me that in light of all that i am not, HE still loves me beyond my understanding.

breakthrough? i think i'm actually at this very second still undergoing that breaking-through. that the Lord for Grace & Love....

I have never, and i promise to never, portray an image of myself that's beyond the truth of that i am a sinner. nothing more, nothing less. Lord, your will amazes me in the fact that you would choose me, my family, my ministry, and my church to move in and through. while your movement is not exclusive to these factors, it's still wonders me that you would partner with me. Lord, help me to see my life, who I am, through your eyes... with eyes of love, of compassion, of grace, and forgiveness.. and only then allow me to minister. out of brokeness and harsh truth, it is only in You have i an identity.

who am I Lord? i am your Son, your Heir, your Beloved, your Chosen, your Forgiven... I am your Life.

now help me walk in all those things today... as long as it is today..."

if you want to hear my last talk that i gave at thirst please click here, and know that i have NEVER been so reved up before in my life... what do you think?


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