:painful truth:

Over the last few weeks, I have learned so much about myself that it's actually rather scary. I feel that most people think of themselves a certain way, and until something completely destroys that same person's view.. Their self evaluation isn't going to change.

Kind of like inertia. If there's no opposing force to your acceleration, your current speed will be constant. In other words, unless you open your eyes to your faults, you'll never change.

Never change.... Hmm.. What a scary thought.

Tonight at 180 we split all 60+ of us into small groups. We talked about ourselves. The topic of focus was titles, "Issues of the Self". I confessed to the group that sometimes I look into the mirror and I'm confused that this is really the person that I see...

You see, I am many things. But I'm also not many things.

In the last week, I've been called weak, unfocused, insensitive, a bad listener, lacking of decision making abilities, a liar, hypocrite, false teacher, and irresponsible.

You know what? Without stuttering or reserve, I can simply look you straight in the eye and tell you that I am all of these things.

All of them.

Sometimes I look out over the crowd at 180, or sit at my desk, or lay down at night, and not have a SINGLE CLUE what God is doing in 180, or where we are going. I have no 3 year plan, I have no long term vision, I can't even picture where 180 will be 1 year from now, let alone 10. I look at myself and I know that 90% of the people I minister to/lead are more qualified than I am in what I do. I can't lead worship to save my life, I'm not the most learned in 180, and I certainly am not a grounded teacher of the word. At best I can pass as a coordinator and a motivational speaker...

I lack so many things. In my leadership, in my decisions, in myself. I'm not perfect by any standards... In fact, I know that if I were to have free choice of anyone in the world to lead this ministry, I wouldn't even choose myself.

But tonight, I learned that I AM here. I DO lead. I AM a follower of Jesus IN SPITE of every single area that I fall short in.

Actually, you know what I say to all the criticism? I'm still here, and 180 is still here.

you can tell me whatever you want, say whatever it is that is on your heart. Tell me exactly what I've done wrong, or decided poorly, or said something bad or inappropriate, but I am still here. I am compelled to be where I am. Do you know that means? It means that I am here because God has placed me here... And until the Lord says stop.... I will not stop.

I'll improve, thank the lord, but I will not stop.


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