:creaky knees:

Well, since the whole VINE extended family is writing about the live album recording, I've decided to write about personal stuff, since this is my blog and I have so much happening in my life that I can't just ignore it all on this piece of webspace now can I? Nosiree bob.

So I'm laying in bed and I realised that I have a nightly routine. It involves stretching my leg in a certain way that cracks my knee. Now you may think this is not a huge thing, but actually it's been making me think, and that's always a good thing.

I have creaky knees.

Is creaky a word? Anyways, I've always pictured old people who've lived a full and happy life to have clicks and cracks whenever they move around. Kind of like the old version of Rose in Titanic. It's just one of those personal things that I've coupled with advanced years. Old people have trouble moving around, therefore there are clicks and cracks whenever they move... But now, my knee cracks every single time I tuck in for my z's.

Sigh... Due to my own personal definition of old, I'm already there.

Anyways, I've been mulling this over the last few days, and then something else hit me. David Ng, one of my 180ers and fellow members of my church, also went to the same university as I did, university of Michigan (umich). He recently returned for something and over the last days it's brought back a flood of memories. A flood is a polite and understand way of putting it. It's the perfect storm of memories.

You see for me, university was a mixture of complete euphoria, joy, growth and experience, yet was also a time of complete and utter failure, destruction and death. University was the first place I had complete freedom to be who I wanted to be, and it was that same freedom that lead me to throw away my college career and ended up a college drop out, addicted to drugs and in debt with tens of thousands of USD...

Let me tie this all together now.

I don't regret. Let me say that again. I don't regret. I AM utterly remorseful at the wasted chances, BUT I DO NOT regret throwing my life in to the soft drug of ecstasy, I don't regret wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on education, I don't regret destroying my body, I don't regret walking away from my old life as I did. Every single thing I have today is due to the fact I have failed in a significant area of my life, yet still decided to move on. I must pay for my choices, yes. There is consequence for sin, yes. One day I will repay is some way shape or form my family for all the years of stress and money, yes. Would I change what happened? No. none of it.

I've been studying this notion a little bit. Sometimes, pastor operate out of a circumstance of failure, and it is that fear of failing again that drive me. Sometimes pastors are driven due to previous failures, rather than a genuine desire to see God's purposes on this planet. Other theories suggest that pastors operate out of a failure and have a need to be needed. There that certain rush when people you lead look to and seek out your advice/prayers/council concerning life & spiritual issues. There is also the "saviour" complex that many pastors have. This is basically a convicted attitude that the pastor needs to enter in a failed situation and make it work; the idea that everything needs his/her attention because without it it's doomed for failure...

I don't subscribe to any of these ideas, nor would I ever want to be labelled as such. However, I can admit to anyone who has read this far that I have a pinch of each in me. Never have I or will I ever say that I'm perfect or anywhere near perfect. That doesn't give me the right to just accept that I have weakness, but I shouldn't be judged by the fact that I'm just willing to be honest.

So what does this all mean? Who knows, other than the fact that I'm excited. I'm excited because I have intimate and legitimate experience on what it means and feels like to fail. Therefore, I don't fear it anymore. This has been years in the making, as in it has taken me years to overcome fear of failure. I have faith in the Lord so much now that I have the freedom to step out, to take calculated risks, to push the envelope... These times are more exciting than ever because of my family, my church, my ministry. Janice begins her masters in just a few months, the vine is absolutely moving forward in claiming more ground for God, Tom and our worship band have recorded Hong Kong first ever large scale live worship album, 180 completely surprises me at the growth in people, and what God is doing in the young adults of my generation, small groups sprouting up for 180, my summer college program that is only going into it's third year yet we have the most faith we've ever had for this program...

God is moving.

Inspiring lives to be impacted for Jesus Christ. That's my calling for when I'm here on the this planet. 5 years into my walk with Jesus, and I can really see the effect of what I'm doing and have done has span continents, nations, generations... That my friend, is achievement, and I don't say this in an arrogant way.. I mention it more like a "Wowzers God, you choose me??? type of way...

So yeah, creaky knees? No problem. Bring it on!


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