Day 0 & 1: TEARS

if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation

it's hard for me to remember the moments when I cry, because they aren't the best of memories. granted, it doesn't happen very often, but they've been pretty hard times.

one time i was so upset and sad and angry about breaking up with janice, i cried on Ps Bob Strachan's shoulder for a good 10 minutes (which is an ETERNITY when you're a guy that's crying). it was when 180 was in the Ho Lee building, and i have no clue what the sermon was about, but all i knew was during ministry time i just broke, and i sobbed. Bob did nothing but pray silently, and i honestly thank God that he did nothing. the shoulder was what i needed. the great ending to this story is that janice and I married now. yay.

another time i cried my guts out was while watching Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ movie. it was 9am and i watched it with Mandy Lee because we got tickets to a special screening as we were church staff. yes, i sobbed, but it was for obvious reasons. and another time i fought back tears was when Janice and I found out that she had a hematoma in her uterus, and it threatened the young life of Ethan that was growing in her womb.

see? all not the best of memories.

but for the first time in a seemingly long time, i cried, but i couldn't even place the emotions, or reasons why. mainly because they were so many.

it was two nights ago, when Janice was bathing Ethan and then putting him to bed. It would be the last time she would do this for weeks, possibly months. the weight of the situation was dawning on me, and that the next morning i would driving Ethan away from his mom. possibly it was due to driving 12+ hours in the last 16 hrs prior to that moment. i was running on redbull and not much else. maybe it was because i was in the moment of woe-is-us...

but i was listening to janice speak with ethan, telling him she loves him. that daddy will take him home and mommy will stay to speak with the immigration people. janice was speaking slowly, ensuring that Ethan understood every word. i heard janice kissing Ethan and him laughing.

as i listened, i cried. i cried because i love my wife, and i love my son, but they have to be apart. granted we have so many things to ease the distance. text, facetime, skype... and we are only 6 hours away. but it was the physical touch that he will miss. it will be his mother's hugs, kisses and cheek pinching. he will miss it all.

i cried because i was so exhausted from this process, from the driving, from the stress. i cried because i was so upset at God. i was being selfish, but at that moment i wasn't trying to be Ghandi. i cried for many reasons.

i pulled myself together only to feel so tired that i almost fell asleep while doing the dishes. i went downstairs and lay in bed, and i read james. i read the whole book, and i was gritting my teeth. i KNEW what GOd was saying to me, it was so loud and clear.... but in my spirit i was saying to God can I just have this moment to be upset? just because i'm a pastor do i need to smile and put on a happy face? would it be right to put my situation in proper perspective and then compare our lives to the thousands of families that have been torn apart?

it was then that i fell asleep. i did not feel justified in my self-pity or anger, i just fell asleep.

the amazing thing was that the next morning when we drove off, Ethan was the strongest one out of all of us. he didn't cry any tears, and it was the fear of his tears that brought me to tears the night before.

during the 6hr drive back, i laughed at how the fear of tears could bring me to tears. in the end, God revealed His power, mercy and sovereignty even though it looked a bit murky for us. but at that moment, while my son was happily napping and i was driving through Seattle... i laughed. i didn't cry, but i laughed.

thank you Jesus.


Cel said…
praying for you guys dpma!!! :)

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