Day 2: Careful what you ask for

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation.
Also note this is day 2. please go here for day 0 & 1.)

since quitting my pastoral role back in Hong Kong, i moved from a 55 hr work week... to no work at all. needless to say, life changed. it was an amazingly good change, because i got to spend so much time with Ethan and Janice. it was great because i could be a father and a husband, instead of just working.

however, with that change came adjustment. my commute to work used to be about an hour, 1.5 if i took the train. i used to look forward to that time, and i came to rely on it for worship, quiet time, devotion, etc. many times i used it to just exhale and have space since sometimes it's crazy to have a baby at home.

no matter what i did, i could never give Janice those times alone like she gave me. i mean, for the first 14 months of Ethan's life Janice was breastfeeding so she really couldn't be away from ethan for more than a few hours. and even in the months after that, Ethan was clingy to his mom so it was a stretch for me to take him for any longer than half a day.

when we got to North America, my commute to school was a 5 min WALK, and i had no other time to myself. at first it was hard, but then i had good days. it was a see saw, but then i started to pout and get silly with God.

i would ask God... "i wish i could have my alone time back"


i think back to these moments, and i laugh at my stupidity. now i have all the alone time i can handle, and i hate it. i hate knowing that while i have alone time while ethan is sleeping, janice is 7 hours away wrestling with being away from her husband and son.

it goes to show that sometimes we are so selfish in our desires, that we ask for things from God that we should never have.... yet we do it repeatedly. and then we get angry at God when He does not deliver things that we shouldn't have? it seems like non-stop stupidity.

so what i'm learning from this situation, is to not pray my desires. i'm seeing this as the height of idolatry masked with Christian-speak. there's lots of this happening in the church. we tell God what we want, and then say Amen, and there it's sanctified.


out the desires of the heart does the mouth speak. and if all we ask are things for ourselves...?

so the moral story of today is that be careful what you ask for, because you just may get it. and then you'll be sorry. try, just once, to pray the desires of Jesus' heart. it's scary to do that, because the focus shifts from you, to your God. then perspective comes, and shows us Jesus' heart... and then, funnily enough, your desires change to that which can satisfy a carnal desire, to that of eternal significance.

thank you Lord that you are God, and I am not.


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