Day 4: Be angry, and do not sin...

(if you're reading this and have no idea what i'm talking about, please go here to get an update on our situation. Also note this is day 4. Please go here for the first post in this series. thanks!)

Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.

i'm not really an angry person. i've neer been so angry that i loose control and do irrational things. i used to pride myself on this aspect of myself growing up. other people would get so angry it would throw them out of whack, and they would be unreliable and unstable. me? i would crack jokes, albeit sometimes at inappropriate moments, always under control.

it's not that i trained in the Himalayas' to control my anger, it's just something i guess i was born with. i mean, don't get me wrong. i DO get angry, but never throw chairs out the window angry.

over these last few days, i've found myself being angry. there are so many reasons why. angry at myself for not being a better husband to Janice, as in not putting down my foot when i had an inkling of fear that she would be flagged at the border. angry at myself for not being a better dad, as in this time with Ethan should be amazing and adventurous, not tiring and stressful. these are valid angers that I believe are fueling my days to grow.

however there are unhealthy angers.

i'm angry at the immigration guy at the border, because ultimately he was the one who stopped us. i'm angry at the Visa people, who have their heads so far up their asses they forgot they are actually dealing with living human beings. i'm angry about.... well, you get the point. but as i was driving from Canada, i found that there's one anger i'm not familiar with.

it was being angry with God.

now, i believe in the Sovereignty and Grace of our Lord. i do. i received it, i believe it, i partially understand it, i preach it... but this whole situation has hit home in ways that no other scenario in my life has. i have very rarely been shake-my-fist-at-God angry.

there was one time i was so angry at God AND myself because i accidentally gave Ethan 3x the dosage of medicine and we were worried that i poisoned him. i remember this so clearly. i was crying and i was on the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and i was punching the ground. but.... this was more being upset at my own stupidity than being angry at God.

yet, this time i found that i was talking, angrily, with God while driving. there was no audible response, or miraculous signs indicating God was replying to my rants. it was more like i was giving God a diatribe of emotion.

days later, i've calmed down and i've moved to repent, but as I have repented, I have not felt convicted.

under more scrutiny of the scritpure, it does not say "DO NOT be angry"... but "it actually says BE ANGRY". note that this is ESV, a more reliable translation that's closer to the original text. the NIV says "tremble". i like the ESV more in this circumtsance.

be. angry. and do not sin.

anger is such a tricky emotion. it is combustable, and can lead to so many divergnent outcomes. fire is much the same way. a controlled fire can be a vital light, saving warmth, cooking heat or even for comfort on a cold winters day. uncontrolled fire can rage and destroy everything in it's path.

my anger has led me to sin. i have critically broken the face of the immigration office, and i have napalmed the Visa processing office, and i have also brutally murdered some key individuals in my life... for that i have repented.

but as the Holy Spirit as my witness, i have no repented of my anger towards God. the only way this is possible is because i have still stubbornly and stoically held to the sovereignty of God. it is his will, but i am just trying to not sin with upholding the other part of scripture. being angry.

for my whole life i have shunned and forcibly pushed away the cancerous emotion, but now it seems i'm embracing it. my goal, much like with fire, is to harness it so that the Lord can use it for his glory.

my closing thought on this is that it is only the harnessed blazing fires of adversity do things truly become purified. i'm just doing it angry. But while not sinning.


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