things have been strange as i continue to find myself. in church, it's a little different when i praise and sing, i've noticed. i think of others, i think of the ministry, i think of the future and of the present. it was strange, because i couldn't shake personal issues either.. it was very weird to not be able to completely worship God for all He is and what He has done in my life.

but i realised that this WAS from God.

strange, isn't worship supposed to be about me and God.. and meeting of the holy spirit and my heart, where challenge, encouragemnt, spoken words and his will is infused.. how can this time be full of so many otehr thoughts.

simple, my life is no longer my own.

this is true on a number of different angles. i have decided to pour out my for God and His purposes in my life, which currently is 180. i have dedicated myself to the growth of the ministry spiritually and physically, and to the devlopment of the leadership team and future leaders.. on the other side, i have also given my life to Janice.. i know that sounds weird, but to consider living forever with someone, you need to make decisions, and i have decided that she needs to be a strong present in my life if i am to even consider marrriage with her.

that said, when i worship, when i praise god.. these things aren't just an afterthought.. it's part of me. it consumes me. how to bless the people at 180, how to encourage them, how to get them excited.. i worhsip for them, i praise because of them... it's the same with janice... i worship god because of the blessing she is to me.. i worhsip god so he will have mercy on her and she will be protected and blessed. i realised that it wasn't a matter of me being unfocused during the worship time... it was God focusing my worship on the things so dear to me and close to my heart.

i full 24 hours, i've dwelled on that church meeting, that time with God... i fear sometimes... maybe worry is a better word. what if things dont work out? what if i fail? what if i'm not hearing right and this is just me trying to do stuff? what if the Lord is TRYING to use me but i keep getting in the way?

doubt, fear, worry... the devil knows many tricks and many ways to get into my head.

but alas, i stand still... with an ARMY of amazing brothers and sisters... with gifts and skills and passions that go far beyond me, which is my source of joy and strength... and in them, and in God.. i can find the encrouagement i need to press on... and i haven't even BEGUN leadership of 180 yet.. strange huh?

that's my word of the moment..



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