i've tried my best to stay away, but Jon has inspired me to continue my blogging life... my peeling off of the layers that traps my innermost soul.

so what have i done in the last 10 days? easy... i destroyed my friendship with my ex-girlfriend... i was more depressed than i've ever been in my life, i took myself off the leadership team for my fellowship, i did absolutely NO work which i'm now close to being terminated, for the first time in my life i let my anger get the better of me, and i intentially caused someone as much pain as i possibly could with words.

it's been a weird time. but i stress the past tense of all those things... except for the job... i'm feeling the heat, but it's fine. at least now i can smile.

so i'm not going to explain, cause the details aren't important. what i needed to say is that i learned what it's like.. for the first time, to really have feelings for someone.. and then to be honestly heart broken. i have never been heart broken... thus pushing me to think that i'm ALOT further from the truth of Love than i once thought. i thought i knew it all in college, now.. i'm pretty sure that i knew nothing. Is it over? no my friend, the pain has just begun, but at least now i'm familiar with it, and i begun the slow and timely process of healing. i have a lot more respect now for someone's heart.

so here's my brain fart for the day. everyone has crap in their lives. when they accept Jesus, they also begin a life long process of cleaning themselves of all the crap that they used to do that is hurtful to themselves or others. following Jesus and getting rid of that crap is not easy. in fact, no one ever said that any part of following Jesus was easy. BUT... what is really the sunshine on my rainy day is that i'm going through all this crap so that i can be a better person.. cuz that's a bible promise. i learned the hard way that God loves us so much, He's willing to put us through pain... pain like you've never felt before... but it's all for a greater purpose. it clearly states that in the bible, but studying anything was never my strong point. i've never regretted being a hands-on-experience-it-for-myself learner... but now i'm open for change.. anyways, we never see the purpose of the pain untill much after the fact, since God's plans are that complex. but i encourage anyone going through tough times to find God in it. i dont care WHAT the circumstance.. but God is there.. Christian or not. if you, in all your anguish.. understand that God is doing something that will be for a greater good later down the road... there will be a peace of which nothing on this earth will match.

that my friend... is what i now call Life.


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