:am i just another christian, Lord?:

i asked myself this question every time i go to a conference. it's like a silly question i used to just playfully throw around. at hillsong conference where there's always about 25 - 30 THOUSAND Christians and leaders... i would always ask the Lord to prove to me that i'm special. it's silly and childish, but doesn't say something in the bible of having a kiddy faith? hmmm..

so today, i went through a few different emotions. GOd took me on a roller coaster, but it really wasn't too as much with the preaching as it was just due to the fact that i'm here alone and it's just me and God.

it's an interesting feeling, being in a room full of eleven thousand other people who share my same (most) beliefs yet not one of them knows my name. seriously, not even one.

it's been a strange process of understanding what my faith is built on. how much do i place fellowship, preaching, programs, ministry, church, work and just about everything else... OVER my relationship with God.

Today, during the talk of Francis Chan (you NEED to check him out), God turned my world inside out and upside down. i was so happy to hear him speak because well.. to be honest, he's probably the top Asian American speaker in the world right now. i can't think of any other ones. other than that, he was really good. as in, good in a way that set him apart from teh other speakers. it was an intense time where you could tell the holy spirit was on him. he wasn't screaming, he wasn't forcing any of it, it was simply a great example of someone being in touch with God while speaking.

to give you the short of it, he reminded us that we have been selected to be who we were from before birth, and that it is God in us. God in Us through our ministries, through our churches.. and that we dont carry the burnout, because it is God's, and He does NOT burn out.

after he spoke, they had a response song a bit later, and we sang God of Justice by Tim Hughes. it's one of the hardest songs to sing, because of some crazy lyrics. one line that kept stinging my heart

Lord, keep us from just singing. Send us out. Send us out.

as we were singing this song, something in my heart broke. i had to stand, i had to cry. in my comfort selfish life, all i had room for was how much can i bless myself. as i stood there crying out to God in groveling repentance, i looked around... i was the only one standing. it was strange, as i knew with all of my heart that hundreds, if not thousands of people were touched by God through the talk, yet for some reason it was only i who stood with hands out asking for forgiveness. maybe everyone else was, just not doing it standing, or with their eyes closed, or singing... i guess you could be worshiping while on your laptop or texting on your phone... as MANY people were doing.

that's when i felt God say to me.
"Look my child, i have set you apart. I have chosen you."
then i knew, i'm not... i CAN NOT be just a pew-warmer, a church goer... my life has been set aside for something great, not by man's standard, but by the Lords. i believe that with all my heart and the Lord reminded me of it.

God is speaking something huge to me. i'm just trying to figure it all out. until i do, i gotta sleep. the burrito i ate at lunch has come out in liquid form and i'm feeling very rough. of to bed i go. to dream of my wife, of Mojo, and a large vat of vanila pudding... hmmmm... pudddddiiinnngggg.... nite!


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