one night... a lifetime ago........
after snorting the last half pill, making my total 4 pills in just over 6 hours, things got a little hazy. E has effected me before, and i used to roll super hard, but not like this time. it started with one innocent pill at the party, turned into one at the after set, the i sorted another half, swallowed another half, then snorted about 3/4, then licked up the rest. that, with a couple bong hits, and a chugged can or two... i knew that i was beyond my known limits. my eyes were focusing on their own things, while my brain was processing another. i put the rolled up 1 dollar bill back into my pocket and then went to see what the world outside my hotel bathroom had for me. it was like i was living in a different universe from the moment ingested alien substances through my nostril. that meant that the roaring dinosaur head outside the hotel room was really a pile of trash after closer inspection. it also meant that the lady smiling at me in the red dress was not really there after a double take. it also meant that my friend's face going from normal, to bald, to the painted face of mel gibson from that movie where he was a Scottish dude... that was also not real. it meant that looking at my own face change in the mirror was just a side effect of pumping myself way over the typical limit of drugs that i was used to. the night, or should i say morning, ended with me on my knees staring at the repeating pattern on my neatly folded bed sheets... at around 8 am. i was still more high than i've ever been, but i couldn't tear my eyes away... my friend came into the room, and picked me up and tucked me in to bed. he said i was there for at least 5 minutes. i could have sworn to you i spent my adolescence there. i didn't know any different... it felt the same.

that night, was a milestone for me. it was a memory and a half. the day after that i hated everything that i saw, myself being the most hated. i was depressed, and my nose hurt. i'm telling you all this because i fearlessly will recall that night as a low point in my life. i will also in the same breath tell you that I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. without Him, i would be there... doing the same thing... or worse. how i came out of that.. and how i got to who i am now... there's no need for the details... the only thing that's needed to be known is that God waiting to turn your life around... but it's only a matter of when. it took a lot of crap for me to understand the truth... and now it's all i have.

without God.... there is no me.


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