so.. due to bad weather.. yesterday's outreach, the biggest i've even been part of in my life.. was cancelled... because of rain.
i had many questions that i asked God yesterday... i'm still thinking about it now... i'm actually a little confused... people prayed for the event to happen... many many churches were involved, many schools and principles were involved... we had big lights, stage, and great audio visual equipment... we had the whole shabang... minstry team, intercessors, media coverage, 3 worship teams, 2 drama teams, 4 dance teams, 2 different singing medly teams....
but then the rain came.
i had a good 5 hours to really think about it all. i arrived at the site around 12:45 with the others from the Vine worship team and i was going through my notes, gett'in my MC skills on, and watching the first stages of the sound check. at around 1:30, it was getting dark because of the clouds, then by something like 2... it started to drizzle. slowly but surely, by 3ish we had to stop the run through and scramble to cover the equipment.
it was here that i began to ask God questions. why? i knew full well that i shouldn't have question His motives, or His plans.. but... i was just praying, along with many other people... praying our hearts out.. and worshipping... asking and some begging.. for the rain to stop... i asked God.. why make all this happen, only to be stopped at the 11th hour? i knew the answer was because He had plans for a better time.. .and maybe even a better location... even though it wasn't His audible word... i knew the answer in my heart.
still... seeing some tears, the unity, seeing some teams be visibly upset that we couldn't hold the outreach... it was an akward feeling. at the end, we held a group prayer and thanksgiving... small groups of 4-6 people littered the area.. and only then did i see just how many churches and how many people really invested in this outreach... and it sadened me.. but also encouraged me... to see the unity and love mixed with partial disappoint was almost bittersweet.
it's these times where i ask God... where's the personal message for me, God? and His answer was simple...
"Where was your heart?"
i knew God asked me this. i knew exactly why. you see, only days ago... after weeks and months of me critisizing and bitching about the whole deal.. about questioning my church and own personal place in the whole outreach... i honestly didnt' care that much. in fact, i turned down every oppourtunity to help. i honestly didnt' even pray for the event... i wasn't even EXCITED.. i didn't care for the unity of churches, school kids salvation, or the chance for our church to join hands with the local church... i only saw the flaws. then when i was asked last minute to be the English MC... i said yes.
then all of a sudden, things changed.
i went to dress rehearsal and then i was blown away. the amount of work people put in, the number of different teams that were involved, the sheer excitement of other people in the program caught on to me... and then for friday night, and all saturday.. i was pumped... i was praying for it, and i was asking God for people to come, for this and that...
but when i look back... i wasn't a foundation layer.. i wasn't a pioneer.. i just jumped on the bandwagon.. about 72 hours before the 3 month project finished. wow... some hero.
and after the dissapointment of the rain.. God asked me.. simply.. where was YOUR heart, when it was only on paper... where was YOUR faith when your mind said this was done poorly, where was YOUR vision when i made unfair and ungiving judgements...
i learned alot about God.. about myself.. and about many things over this past weekend. i know now what the Lord wants of me.. i was affirmed, because i know that the Lord wants to use me.. but he doesn't just want my skills, or my attention, or views, or words, or tears.... he only wants my heart... and for this one time.. i didnt' see it until it screamed at me.
but now... since youth alive will happen someday in another place and another time.. i'll be ready.. not to serve, not offer my skills.. but just to understand the heart of what God is doing... until then... there's always prayer.