there's something about following God that makes me want stand on a huge soap box and yell up at Him. I want to know... why things dont ever seem to go as i want them to... i want to ask Him why following Him has so many hardships... so much pain.

have you ever fought with yourself? for example... God wants you to learn a lesson, and you dont want to face the reality. He wants the best for you, but you dont have the faith to believe that. all you see is the situation before you... the pain you have now is real, the brighter future that is promised is like a far off lie.... so can you understand how hard it is to follow God sometimes?

so the christian part of you is calm, and whispers to your brain that God loves you, He wants the best for you... but you need to understand that before you change... otherwise the change is not of nor for Him. the evil side... he's saying but why does it have to hurt so much? (louder whispers) if God really loves you, then why so much crap? why do things happen that hurt you down to the very soul? What happens when those dreams that you thoguht were from God are shattered BY God? (more whispers) you shouldn't have to take this... (screams in my head)God owes you... complain.... lash out.... its everyone's fault..... anger..... hurt.......................

there's the fight. i'm not gonna say that this is an exaggeration... the fighting is real....that light at the end of the tunnel is supposed to draw me nearer to the exit... the way out....right?

and so there are days when i have the faith to say that this day God wants me to learn.. to grow and to be better... and there are times when i look to God and my heart is wounded, my tears real and He heals me.... there are days when that promise for that brighter day is the only thing i have. in my heart.. i know God is real.... i know He loves me... but sometimes the battle in my head rages.......

the screams in my head are silenced by the cries of my heart...

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