.:|thoughts that race|:. (written late last but wouldn't post)
today a word came to mind. i'm glue. i often try, in any and all of my groups of friends ranging from high school to my current workplace and church... i play the in betweener.. the middle man.

today i spent some time with myself. something i have often been.... how shall say... afraid of doing for a while. something that i've vowed to really try and do more, but saw none of my actions try to achieve. interestingly enough, i learned some things about myself that eye opened.

glue, by very definition, holds things together. i would never go as far as to say that i hold any group of people together, but i would go as far as to say that i try to be a common bond between people. i have this thing, where i care about the big picture of people involved when it comes to relationships, i welcome people, and i make sure i know names and simple facts on that person that i call up to make conversation. every now and then my outstretched hand finds a person in need on the end of it and i do what i can to help them. i'm not saying i'm a savior nor am i doing anything special. the only difference between myself and others is that when i say, "Call me whenever you need something... anything...anytime..." i mean it. and when people realise you DO mean it those same people take that invitation. it's a blessing, but it could take it's toll on a person.

anyways, i've always wanted to be someone who people knew they could come to because they not only trusted me but they knew that i could help.. if not to fix whatever problems but to at least pick up spirits. that in itself means that my time is occupied following up on people, reaching out to new friends, keeping old friendships going... you know.. the big picture. in taking into account any big picture you sacrifice the smaller details. in my case, especially today, i've realised that in always having that outward focus, that, "you first, me last" mentality, i end up not being able to take care of myself. i heard this before from my leader, as he spoke more about setting boundaries for myself SO that i can understand OTHER people's boundaries. fair enough. i also heard from another friend that i spend too much time on others and i don’t spend enough time on my own problems. true. both views very true, helpful and applicable... but it didn’t' come from me, so i didn’t' take it to heart... at least not right away. (did i also mention i was stubborn too?)

as much as i hate to admit it, it was only when i thought it through myself, on entirely on my own, did it really sink in. maybe months after the first initial seeds are planted. how silly. sometimes, the obvious could be at your ankles biting you till you bleed, yet you can still be oblivious to it. or at least i can. so today i imagined what would happen if I went to MYSELF and asked for council. i'm not kidding, i mentally pictured the phone call, the meeting over coffee, the convo.. it was weird. but i then also realised that i'm my own worst nightmare... i would probably get so frustrated with myself i would loose my temper or something silly like that.

anyways, not that anything went entirely wrong today, because i know for a fact that no one has a perfect life. everyone has issues to deal with, and some better than others. i needed time for me to talk to me.. and to just chill out. the pull of the crowds didn't affect me at all today.. in fact it was the crowds that i ran away from today. sometimes, it's good to be alone.. and to mull, reflect, repent, pray and read. i did all those today and i feel like i did something that was needed. as much as the part of me wanted to join the party the majority knew that i was reaching limits with myself... although the phone calls from select revelers made the decision much easier than i first thought.

the reason for this heading of this blog is that my mind is racing. at least i can write it here, not knowing if it will ever reach those who need to hear or having any effect on anyone... since i write whatever my fingers decide to tap. today i let my mind race unchecked all day and i put up with it having weird, and somewhat disturbing conversation with myself... only to have a fraction of those actual words form in my own mouth. for a talker, today was an amazingly quiet day. but expression always finds ways to be noticed, and today the chosen medium was blogger... please excuse the length of the entry... a pensive afternoon.. apparently. so the words here are just thoughts... that race. and yet, there's one underlying tone...

my apologies to you and i hope this finds you well, if indeed this finds you at all.


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