i just interviewed someone who is a few years younger than my father for a position in my that i wouldn't want some of my enemies doing as a full time job. sadly he was surprised that they got someone who looked scrubby and young to interview him. and i thought that i looked rather nice today... his face told me otherwise. it was sad...

i don't know if any of you guys conducted interviews, but i had to do everything that my soul did not. judge him, find faults and ask hard questions and study body language and see where the eyes look and where in the sentence the stammer or cough came... i will have to repent for extrapolating on his faults. i felt dirty afterwards, that i knowingly sinned, the i have to turn people down, and choose the best fit.. i have talk about this guy behind his back and pick him apart for my co-workers and boss to get the best person.. which may reflect my work standards...

yes.. today i feel disgusting. i know that i'm painting an extreme picture.. but i really hate the fact that looked a guy in the face and had to be the one that after i see the good in him.. it wasn't enough to outweigh the bad. who am i to deny this married 55 year old man a job where he would be making less than 1/3 of what i make... with no family to support. who am i to just make this decision based on 15 minute interview? who am i to hold such a power over a person i have never seen before, but now i can't get his face out of my mind. i see him, and i see a desperate man, and wife behind him, rent, family, bills, worry.. maybe it was just me, but he was visibly sad at the mention of his potential salary... when asked him if it was likely that he would stay beyond the probation time he looked like he was going to cry. maybe the man i saw was a reflection of what i was feeling on the inside.. or what i wanted to see but what wasn't really there.... or maybe i was scared to my very soul that i was looking at myself 30 years down the road.... 30 years ago i wasn't even sperm... 30 years from i don't want to be the man that i saw today.... what's wrong with me... what else can i base on his life on a resume and 15 minutes worth of pretentious jabber and surface speculation.... this is why feel so disgusted with myself.... i need to get up from this computer.

enough.. it's lunch and i'm going to Ikea and fantasise about the world i would live if i was rich, married, had 1.3 children and a nice flat overlooking the harbour. i'm such a jerk.. what can i do though? anyways, i'm gone.


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