on my own
there was a time on saturday where i was early for my fellowship, so i decided to stroll around the area, grab a bite, pray and chill before the craziness began. any bar disctrict is dead around 5pm, even it was saturday... i've been drinking in that area since i was 15, working there for God for the last 2 years... i knew from my own expereince that it was the calm before the storm. so i got a slice of pizza from a new joint, then was just sucking in the stillness, when it kinda hit me.

i'm single, but i'm not lonely.

woah. i've seldom been in situations where i've been single and enjoyed it. throughout my life i've had a girlfriend, or at least was actively looking for one. simple. but now... i'm not looking at all. and i'm very happy. w-e-i-r-d. usually, while walking around i'll have someone to call, someone to want to call, someone i wish i i would could call... ya know? that's why i had a nagging feeling of going through a time where i was simply alone. it was refreshing, to know that i'm not tied down to anyone emotionally, because i've had my share of that, and i've taken a vow to not do that anymore. i smiled while thinking all of this, because i know that i'm walking uncharted waters in my life, and that is always a good thing.

i really like not having that commitment. it's a cliche, but jesus is my source of intimacy now. my physical needs are just mental, as they are not necessary for conituation. the more i consider them something i can't live without, the i make myself believe that this is true, when really it isn't. what i'm getting at is that i'm actually happy beign single...(or maybe i'm just living with the fact that even if i wasn't ok with being single, i couldn't change it if i tried)

of course, separation issues with my ex still linger... but they always have. it's nothing new. but it's like now i'm living with it... like a small cut. aft er a while, the pain just becomes part of you. voila. there's the best explaination i've heard in a long while. anyways... life goes on...


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