december rants
so i'm pretty tired. i'm hating sleep these days. this week i've averaged like 5 hours of sleep. people say that's bad, people say that's weird... but i'm enjoying it. i think i'm one of the only people i know that doesn't really enjoy sleeping. it's funny that i'm not awake until i hit my first cup of coffee when i get to the office. the shower doesn't wake me up anymore, esp since i cant wash my hair. i miss water running over my head and over my body. speaking of hair, i've updated my xanga pic, how's my blue steel?

christmas.... is a time of giving thanks, and celebrating the birth of christ. yes.. true. but for me... EVERY christmas i have found myself in a funk. i get like this because i've always got like this. it started in school where i would spend it at home and just do nothing... i wouldn't see any friends, and i would be lost in things that used to define me.. books, tv games, food and staring out the window listening to old love songs. so sad. because back then there were days apon days where i could just eat, close my door and pretend to speak, but really reflect on my life, and usually also reflect on the past year. this year is no different, and even though Christ is my lifeforce now... and i understand what christmas really is... i still get like this. there's nothing wrong at all with reflection... but can too much be harmful? i not really sure. reflection to me is always a tricky thing... cuz i'm never really satisfied with who they are... or maybe i stand alone in that sense. but december to me is think month.. or dissect month... what was good.. what was not.. and what was totally crap....

there are times in my life where look back on and i shake my head and ask myself what was i thinking... but there are also times when i look back and smile beacuse i knew that God was just doing amazing things in my life. i guess while people are beginning to take their time off work and school... please look back and see the good and to see where the times were good. it's so easy to be depressed during the holiday season.. esp if you're single. i certainly am. single that is. depressed... well... yes and no.. i'm working on it though.

i give thanks this year because i have grown this year. i have had things help me see... my eyes have been opened... but to get there i have needed to be torn down. there is a process of demolition before something old can be turned into something new. therefore i thank god for the ripping of my heart this year, for the construction of this new one, and with that new eyes to see, and in some cases a new mind... i thank God for the many blessings that i have received this year... and i also thank God for making me see that i am nothing, but in that i rely fully on God to be my substance... even in the last month i have so much to thank god for that will have eternal impact on my life... it's completely amazing to live in that place.. a place where you know you with each month you are going through life changing things with God........

but if you change every month? wouldn't you one day look at yourself and not recognise who you are? woah.


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